Here We Go Again. . . .

Remember how Zen I was feeling a few weeks ago? All "if it doesn't happen this cycle, I'm still confident it will happen, blah, blah, blah? " Well, not so much anymore.

I have to admit I am both excited and nervous. It has been almost a year to the day from my last negative beta, following our 2nd failed IUI. I can clearly remember how positive I was it had worked, and how devastated when it didn't. I remember feeling so frustrated, angry, and depressed. Even my husband, who can ALWAYS make me feel better, could do nothing to console me.

One year later, we are in a much better position. Our marriage is stronger, having endured some extremely difficult, (non-IF) circumstances. We are still coming out from some of them, though every day feels better than the day before. Financially we have been blessed: a year ago, we struggled to come up with the $500 per cycle for the IUI, and now we are able to tell the RE "whatever it takes." It comes at a price, though: my children will never know their grandfather, nor the wonderful gift he left that made their existence possible. Through our trials (perhaps even because of them?) my faith in God has been restored; my anger toward Him has dissapated and been replaced with hope. For all these reasons, I'm excited to begin again.

I'm nervous, though, too. What if this doesn't work? How much longer can we endure this? My husband says "whatever it takes." What if THAT doesn't work? How much are we willing to spend: emotionally, financially, spiritually? Can my recently renewed faith withstand another negative? Can it withstand 2 or 3 more? I just don't know. I want to say, YES! Without reservation. Yes, we can do this. But ---I just don't know.

Either way, here we go again. Some of it is new territory (daily injections), some of it is old hat (ultrasounds, trigger shot, IUI, the long, long, 2WW). I'm going to keep trying to stay positive. I'm going to keep praying that this works. And I'm going to keep hoping that one day, we will have our little blessing. Because if there is anything I have learned this past year, it's that you have to keep going. Even when we are not sure where exactly we are headed.