IVF In Black and White

That's kind of what I was expecting today, almost hoping for. I really wanted Dr. Optimistic to spell it out for us: this is what you need to do, this is when we will do it.

Instead of black and white, I got varying degrees of muted gray. I thought that today would be the start of The Plan -- the thing that would finally bring us baby. Instead, I've got more questions, and tons of decisions to make.

I'm not sure that I am up for it.

Two things that Dr. Optimistic threw our way today that I wasn't expecting. The first was that we could try another IUI, this time with Antigone (sp?) to help prevent my early surges. Since we have HAD to trigger each time because I was already starting to ovulate on my own, this may help us "cook" our eggs a little longer, giving us more of them "in the strike zone" as the RE put it. This would increase our chances of conception, but doesn't address my biggest concern which is Mo's extremely low sperm counts / motility.

The second thing was a fairly strong push for Shared/Donated IVF. This would alleviate a large portion of the financial burden (about 2/3 of the cost) in exchange for my donating half of my eggs. Mo seemed really okay with this idea -- which surprised me. What surprised me even more was how HURT this made me. Why is this? Why does the idea of helping out someone who needs it, of sharing my miracle, make me want to cry? I tried to explain to both Mo and Dr. Optimistic that I didn't think I could handle it if my "don-ee" (yes, I know that's not a real word) got pregnant and I didn't. "Well, we just wouldn't find out," was Mo's response. "It remains anonymous" the RE assured me.

But I would always wonder. And I don't know how I feel about that.

And so I feel selfish. And guilty.

You see, the money that is financing this journey comes from Mo's father, who passed last summer. Without it, we would be stuck. Our credit is okay, but we just bought a house and we still have some other debt -- I don't know if we would qualify for financing (especially in this economy). So, I am blessed to know that we can pay for this ourselves. And yet, with that blessing, comes the guilt that I am not helping, that Mo is essentially footing the bill. And then I feel obligated to ease that burden as much as possible.

I honestly think that, had I never been through IF, I'd be fine with donating my eggs. If I had three kids sleeping in the other room, it would be easy to reach out and say, sure, I'll share. I've got more than enough.

But, in a feast-or-famine type of situation, it's much harder for me to be willing to share, not knowing if I will ever see the fulfillment of my baby dreams.

I am so torn. I've seen the generosity of this community, and always wished I could do more. I've seen dreams become reality through the selflessness of others. I've even been the recipient of donated meds and more support that I ever dreamed of. So why is it so difficult for me to give back? Shouldn't I be willing to do what I can to help someone else whose situation is probably even more complicated than mine?

Mo is being wonderfully supportive. He says that it is all up to me, it's my body, he wants what I want. While that is great in theory, what I really want is someone to just say to me "Do this. This is the right thing to do."

Instead, it appears that I have to decide what is right. And while this seems easy in other areas of my life, I am struggling with this, much more so than I ever dreamed. Why is it so hard? Why can't I just say, okay, this is what I want -- and not worry about what everyone else wants? Why can't I be selfish, and be okay with it? And what the hell happened to my self-confidence anyway?

Chalk it up as one more IF fatality - the ability to make easy, clear-cut decisions and know, without doubt, that I did the right thing.