(I wrote this piece last week, and while it doesn't fit exactly the way it did then, it still kind of sums up where I am -- in that in-between place. And so I'm going to go ahead and post it, as written, in spite of the fact that it's a little tight in places and a tad loose in others. Okay, metaphor a bit overdone, but you get the point, right?)
I was doing so well.
Getting up early each morning, studying The Word, church twice a week.
I was praying, daily, for the first time in a very long time.
I was growing in my faith, and it felt good.
And then.
I prefer to think of my current state of withdrawal as temporary, an interruption of sorts. I am hoping that my (anger? disappointment? frustration?) feelings will not lead me to another five-year separation from God.
But lately, there doesn't seem to be much to say. I doubt very much that He really wants to hear "You suck," although that is pretty much how I feel. And I've told Him so; I just don't feel the need to keep repeating myself.
And so I've pulled back a little, and I'm spending some time in limbo. I'm sleeping in, and skipping the mid-week service. I feel like a bit of a fraud, actually. I am having a very hard time praising Him during this particular storm. A test of faith? Perhaps. If so, I'm failing miserably. Again.
But, I hope, not forever. Surely, surely I will find my footing soon -- maybe not as fervent as before -- but steadier, more consistent. I found my way back there once. I know I can -- I will -- again.
In time.
Friday, May 15, 2009
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I wish this for you (and for me too--to be honest, I've had a hard time embracing a relationship with G-d following the loss of our boys). I've found a lot of inspiration in blogs like Erika's (http://littletinyfootprints.blogspot.com/), Devon's (http://momof3miracles.blogspot.com/) and Stacey's. It's amazing to me the way they manage to hold on to their faith--to even feel it strengthened!--through the loss of a child. I hope that your current situation improves and that you find a way to lighten the burden, through G-d or otherwise.
ReplyDeleteI understand. I back away and try to hide under a rock when I'm upset or angry. It's easier for me than being angry at God - easier than trying to figure out the "why's" and understand. I've just started going back to church and I'm completely ignoring the fact that my babies died and I don't understand why. I think if I tried to address that with God it would be my undoing. Kind of like if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all? I know that's not right; I know that's not the answer . . . but it's all I've been able to do lately. I really, really hope you figure out something that works for you. It may take a while, but I do hope it's not five years :)
ReplyDeleteTime is good. And it's okay to take it.
ReplyDeleteStill thinking about you often. I know what it's like to wonder these same things.
Jo...the fact that you recognize what is happening means you haven't lost your faith completely. Even Jesus questioned his Father, surely that means we can question and doubt and still have our faith survive. {{{Hugs}}}
ReplyDeletePraying for you. I know you'll find your way. We all go through these ups and downs on some level or another. The important thing is to keep moving through it to the other side and I know you will.
ReplyDelete