I found a new blog this past week. New to me, though not new to many of you, Which Box's story was compelling to me. I read back into her archives (2 years worth!), discovering a very real person whose story -- though nothing like mine -- was exactly like mine.
I have nothing but immense respect for her, and all she's been through. I don't want to imply that I can understand AT ALL what she has been through, at least not as far as the specifics are concerned. My husband hasn't cheated -- at least, I don't think he has.
But he has, through some very deliberate actions on his part, destroyed my trust.
I find myself wavering, much as she did, back and forth, do I try to rebuild? Do I walk away? How do I deal with the hurt and the anger and the frustrations that are building inside of me? Why is time NOT healing all wounds?
Speaking of trust, I'm trying to find it within myself to trust YOU, my bloggy friends, with the truth. After all, I started this blog for myself, to help me sort out my feelings and make sense of the crapload of shit that I am dealing with. How can I do that if I'm not honest with myself? Cryptic metaphors can only help so much. And I am anonymous, after all. I've been careful not to reveal identifying information so as to protect (what? my husband? myself? our marriage?) the innocent.
But I am still afraid. I am afraid to speak the truth, afraid of what others will think, of how they will respond. Afraid that my decisions (which change daily) will be questioned, afraid of how I will be judged. Given the immense level of support I have received, I have absolutely no logical basis for this fear.
And yet part of me just KNOWS.
I KNOW that I am making decisions that most people won't, can't accept.
The thing is, how do you make certain life-altering decisions when the person that you trust least of all is yourself?
Sunday, May 24, 2009
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Jo, when you are ready, and only when you are ready...we are all here for you. I don't know what it is you're struggling with, but I am here to listen, if you need a sounding board.
ReplyDeleteDo you have someone in real life you can speak to about the "issues"? Does your employer offer anything anonymous, even just a counselor you can call to help you sort things out until you're ready to open up here?
Whatever it is you're going through, I hope you can find your way through. I fear judgement too, however you have to remember that your choices are your own, and you have the right to make them, and anyone else's reactions are a reflection on THEM...not you or your worth.
Contact me if you ever need anything.
Jo...I can't promise to agree with your decision. I can promise I won't judge you on it because I haven't lived in your world and will never know all the reasons behind your decision. I will never judge you for how you live your life. I will be here for you no matter what.
ReplyDeleteJo--I get it. There was a lot that I kept secret about my relationship with TR (obviously), I was so worried about what this community (who didn't even know my name) would think about my marriage if they knew the truth about it. (This is totally not saying that yours is the same kind of situation.) I get having a hard time trusting. I also know that FOR ME the person that I was trying to keep the truth from was myself, the person I was trying to convince that I really had a different kind of marriage was myself. It's pretty likely we have VERY different situations, however, :), but that was my experience, mostly just to let you know that I understand about not wanting to be 100% open on an anonymous blog and how that doesn't seem to make sense at times.
ReplyDeleteTell us if and when you're ready. We're here if you do or if you need to keep speaking in metaphors.
We're here for you if/when you're ready. Or if/when you're not! Blogs are funny things, and the internet is a funny place. Totally understandable to feel what you're feeling.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is that you know yourself and your situation best. We are not hear to judge you, but to support you. Hope today is a better day!! (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteI agree with Mrs Patterson. You know yourself, and you've blogged with all of us for some time now. We're here to support you, whatever you do.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about this this morning. How strange it is because these blogs are our private space. At least, that's why I began mine - to be my diary. But yet they're open. . . at first that didn't seem so weird, but as you begin to develop relationships, it could easily hinder what you're sharing with the people who are now "friends," which takes away the reason you (or at least, I) started blogging in the first place!
ReplyDeleteMy unsolicited assvice would be - If you feel it would be helpful to write in your diary :), do so. At the end of the day, this is your space. As much as I consider you a friend, you are anonomyous, and you can just walk away if you chose. That said, I can also give you my word that I will not judge you, should you decide to share what's on your heart.
Thinking of you.
I know that I'm here to support you no matter what. If you want to share the whole story, I'll suport you anyway I can. If you decide not to share, that's fine too, I'm still here! I with you didn't have to be dealing with this on top of everything else, but I am proud of how strong you've been through it. You're an inspiration. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteP.S. I wore my hula socks to my cyst aspiration, but they made me take them off and put on those hideous surgical booties! I was so sad! But, I think wearing them there and back will still make it lucky for me. Thanks again, I love them!
Sweetie, whatever decisions you make I'll support you as I know you are doing what's right for you. Thinking of you often and sending strength and peace to you. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI just want to let you know that I'll be here to support you whatever you decide to share, whatever you decide you need. You should only write what you feel comfortable writing. We'll still be reading and following your story for as long as you want to share it. Whatever you are going through sounds so hard and I hope that we can help you get through it.
ReplyDeleteAs for not trusting yourself, I can definitely relate to that feeling. It is natural (and I think healthy) to second guess ourselves. And there are some situations where there is either no good or no clear choice. When I have been in those kinds of situations I try to calm myself by telling myself I am making the best decision I possibly can at that moment.
I wish I could give you a hug in real life, but here's an internet one. {{{HUGS}}}
thanks for writing about me, and I'm glad I've given you some support. I'll tell you I started my blog in the midst of the shitstorm, and it was my lifeline. There was no choice for me other than to share it all, because I so desperately needed to. And I found nothing but support. It was helpful. A few times I could have used a slap against the face, and got a few comments like that, but they were fine and needed. It suited my personality, though - I knew I might get all sorts of views, and I was open to it. But, it was also a brand new blog. I wasn't springing something big on a group of already established friends. (though I did that in my real life and that worked out, too). There are times, now, when I think about deleting the raw pain and emotion of that period. But I leave it. It's me, it's who I was/am, and it reverberates now. But I do guard my privacy and anonymity.
ReplyDeleteI'll also admit I am very curious about your situation. But it's your story to share or not, as you decide.
Thanks again for the positive words. And hang in there. Whatever you do will be the right thing for you. And in the end, that's all that matters.
Hello stranger, I'm going to give you some unsolicited advice. :P
ReplyDeleteI definitely understand the concept here. This past year has been tremendously stressful on my marriage and we've been very close to splitting up. Well, to be honest, we did for a bit.
I blogged through all of it. And, in hindsite, I'm not happy I did. There are things I said that were very real emotions but I don't think deserve the permanence of always being out there. There are things that happened that, in hindsite, I think are better between me and my husband.
But the biggest thing was dealing with other people's opinions. When you put your life on the net like that you are asking for others opinions. People who have no idea what it's like to walk in your shoes will judge you and will think they know better how to live your life.
I have lost friends over this. I felt betrayed by people, some of whom were just online friends, who felt the need to judge me. I felt unsupported. While living in the horrible horrible turmoil of a fractured marriage, I had the added weight of knowing that certain people were reading and judging and that weighed very heavily on me. At a point, it was too much. Sometimes in the middle of all this, you don't need to add extra stress, you know?
What I did was to chose 1 close friend to share with, to vent to, to write legnthy emails to. The friend I chose has walked nearly an identical path as I have, so she understands and she doesn't judge and she's a true friend.
Maybe someday in 20 years when we've made it safely through, maybe I'll share my story and maybe I'll feel better about what other people think. For now...........I don't think it's a great idea. I think we owe it to our marriages to practice restraint and discernment in who and when we share.
That's my two cents. And, for what it's worth, from reading bits and pieces here and there, if you want to email and talk about it, I'll be here for you, stranger. I'm in a marriage that is on incredibly thin, cracking ice, but we're trying to make it to the other side and I'm having to deal with a lot of the same feelings you've mentioned about trust and whatnot so........yeah. For what it's worth, if you need to comisserate in private, you know where to find me (at least now you do).
onesmarmymama@gmail.com