I'm simply exhausted. After going several rounds with Mo last night, and again this morning, I just don't have it in me to keep going. I sort of lost my steam when he finally stopped yelling at me, hugged me, and whispered "I'm so sorry." It's the magic pill to calm the raging beast, I guess.
When I stopped bawling, and we got to talk, Mo admitted how terrified he is of losing this job. He feels as though it's his last chance at making his career work. And, honestly, he has a point. I love Mo, but his work ethic has been shitty the last two years. With his dad's illness and death, he has missed a lot of work, been late, and not been all there when he is there. While it's understandable from a wife's perspective, employers don't tend to care much about that. His spotty attendance and poor decisions cost him his last two jobs; he really is on his "last leg" so to speak. To top things off, his Issues of the Past make hiring outside of the district difficult (though not impossible). Without divulging too much that isn't mine to tell, let's just say his resume isn't stellar and his background imperfect. Some good friends stuck their necks out for him this time, and if he doesn't make it work, he will find it difficult to find another position. He has exhausted all of his resources so to speak!
And so we've reached an uncomfortable compromise, I guess. We are going to put it off for now, though Mo says not for long. He's going to man up and call the clinic himself, and I made him promise that if they want their meds back that HE is driving out there to return them. I'm just taking things one day at a time. I've told him how angry and hurt I am, and not to expect that to just disappear. He has apologized and explained his side -- what else can he do? (Besides the obvious). There is even a teeny tiny part of me that is relieved that I don't have to miss school so early in the year as well...though I'm not admitting that to Mo!
I'm still interested in ya'll's take on this. Please comment and let me know -- it's not necessarily going to change anything, but it may make me feel better! It's so hard to not have IRL friends to discuss this with -- which makes me even more grateful that I have you.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
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If you're ok with it, great. Sounds like you're almost ok with it. Meh. I'm glad he was honest (sounds like) for once. Has he seen a counselor about his depression? Yeah, I'm seeing it. He lost his dad, he's retreating into himself, he's a guy so he won't admit it, you're pissed at him for something he won't admit and can't talk about, and to top it all off, now his job's in jeopardy, and there's not much he can do about it. He can't be everywhere at once. That about sum it up? He's being a jackass, and he can't help himself. He needs help of a professional nature. Unfortunately, all of this is bringing out issues that were always there but latent. It's not your fault, and you can't do anything about it. Grief, plain and simple. Been there. Done that, in just about that order. My husband almost left me, too. It got better when I started being honest with him and not trying to be everywhere at once. Learning to say no. And, honestly? I began to appreciate his position more, and be glad I had him. And I've still got him. I hope things straighten out. Keep me posted.
ReplyDeleteNina, you've hit it right on the head there. His grief is morphing, but it's still there. It was REALLY bad last year, and we got counseling, but I don't think he was really ready to deal with all of his issues then. We stopped (at his insistence) and have been coasting for a while; in the meantime, I'm trying to work on my own shit on my own. I know he could stand therapy, but being a guy, he's just not into it. He's better on the outside (as in, he's getting out of bed, he's going to work, he's helping around the house, etc.), but he's still hurting on the inside. And now he's feeling the consequences of his all but checking out of life last fall. So, though I wish we were going ahead right now, I am willing to back off (I can't force him after all) and see where things end up. For now, anyway.
ReplyDeleteThanks again for your comments. It really helps me sort things out to talk them over, and unfortunately I don't feel comfortable doing so with the friends that know us both. YOU are a rockstar in my book.
Hugs,
Jo
Wow. And I didn't even have to attach scarves to my mike! (Think Steven Tyler from Aerosmith.) You'll get through it. And you're marriage is salvageable, just depends whether you want to spend the time and energy house-breaking Mo. There's some things you have to fight about, because they're just that important. How the both of you handle your problems together is one of them. Unfortunately, right now Mo thinks everyone's against him. Which is obviously not true, but he can't get outside the box and see for himself that you're on his side. He'll get there. But he does have some growing up to do. And you may have to play Mama to get him there. Think of it as practice. I don't have all the answers, sweet pea. I only know what I've been through. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, either. Go forth and prosper, and kick some ass along the way!
ReplyDeleteJo:
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I'm just catching up because for some reason you weren't showing up in my reader. I've been wondering how things have been going!
I'm sorry that you're going through all of this. It sounds like you and Mo are at least communicating -- and most importantly, you've been communicating your needs, which is huge. I think it's really going to be up to Mo whether he wants to grow up, and up to you as to whether you want to help him get there. I know that totally sounds like a cop-out answer, but I've learned that there's only so much you can do for a person and they have to get themselves the rest of the way there.
And I'm sorry you have to delay your cycle yet again. even if it's for the best reasons, it's still disappointing and a little bit heartbreaking.
Hugs.
Oh, man. I totally agree with Nina about the depression. Would he take medication? There are different kinds of therapy, too, not all therapists are so heavy on the touchy-feely, but he is still going to have to put himself out there.
ReplyDeleteJo, I DEFINITELY understand treatments getting put off, and off, and off. In my case, it turned out to be indefinitely (and that was for the better--tangent!), but the POINT is, that I know it can be like a punch in the gut, or a stab in the back or something every single time. I know.
Please keep taking care of yourself. I know I probably sound like a broken record on this. You cannot fix him. You can be there for him, but you cannot do more work on him than he is doing on himself.