Another Conversation

I love this blog.

Not because I particularly enjoy the contents of this blog (especially as of late) or my quintessential reason for starting it. But, over time, I have realized that this blog is an extremely useful tool in helping me to sort my feelings out, to make sense of things, and to be able to explain the confusing and often contradictory thoughts that race through my mind in the middle of the night.

Of course, Mo, if he knew about it, would probably not be so in love with it. Who would, when the end result is your wife's ability to finally articulate her unhappiness?

We had a long, heartfelt talk when Mo got home on Thursday night. Or rather, I talked, and Mo listened.

I mean, he really listened.

I think he wasn't expecting me to voice some of the thoughts that I did. I know he didn't expect me to be so calm and matter-of-fact about them. Where was the crying, emotional woman of fights past? And did I really, REALLY, just tell him that maybe we shouldn't go ahead with the IVF? Me, the baby-lusting, wanna-be-mom? Indeed, I did.

Even more shocking, I meant it.

And I think he knew it, too. I spelled out all the unspoken undercurrents that have been traveling between us, the distancing, the anger, the thoughts of divorce. I told him that I wasn't trying to threaten him, but that I was telling him that the end was close. That unless he stepped up and really showed me that he wanted to make this marriage work, that it wasn't going to. I told him what I thought I knew -- and how I knew it. He seemed surprised that he's not nearly as good at hiding things from me as he thinks he is.

Some pivotal realizations came from that conversation. First, and most important, it made me feel a helluva lot better. Regardless of how this crazy road eventually turns out, it felt good to stop keeping my thoughts to myself and to lay my cards out on the table. Secondly, it let Mo know that he's not really "getting away" with anything. That I'm not as naive as I once was, and that I am well aware of his Issues and when they become, well, an issue.

He confirmed that he is depressed, and feels guilty about it. That he misses his dad more than he can stand -- but feels as though everyone expects him to be over it, to not show feelings, to not talk about it. I suggested a grief counselor -- someone who specializes in this and can help him work through it, without telling him that he is wrong for feeling the way he does.

He told me that he doesn't know how he became this person, this exact opposite of the man he wants to be. We both know that his father's illness and death played a large part in it -- but how much of his Issues can be blamed on situational circumstance? How much of it is simply intrinsic?

I told Mo that I know he's a good man. And he is. He's kind and generous and sweet. I know that he has good intentions. But I also do not like how he handles his depression, his stress, his grief. Everyone has those feelings at some point, and everyone deals with them in their own way. Some ways are healthier than others. I grew up in a household with a father who was much like my husband -- and I want better for my own children. I don't want to explain why Daddy spends his weekends in bed, why he is "sick" so often, why Mommy is doing this alone. I want an equal, a partner, a friend -- not someone I have to make excuses for.

I think that I made my position pretty clear. I also think that Mo, deep down, could see it coming. He's said some things (mostly during arguments) that let me believe he knows that I'm reaching my breaking point.

While he's heard many of those statements from me before, I've never once told him that we shouldn't keep pursuing our baby dream. I've never told him how I believed that I was not less important than a child, that I deserved the same amount of love and attention. I think he felt as though, being an adult, I was better able to cope with his absences than a child would. And, perhaps I am.

The thing is, I don't have to. And I'm not going to. He is either going to clean up his act and start acting like the father he claims he wants to be some day, or he's going to miss his chance.

Only time will tell.