I'm opening up again, it seems. I love my bloggy internet circle, but lately I've felt as though I could use some more outsider opinions. So that necessitates a few changes around here, some welcome, some not. Among my decisions:
1. I've re-opened my blog to the general public. Whether or not that serves to bite me in the ass later remains to be seen. While the issues I'm blogging about remain uncomfortable and a definite source of agitation for my beloved Mo, I'm getting to the point where I. DON'T. CARE. (Gawd, that sounds bitchy!) What I mean to say is that MY need for support is outweighing my fear that he will find this blog, connect it to him somehow, and be so angry/hurt/mortified that he up and leaves me.
2. I've signed up for both IComLeavWe again (it's been a while) and NaBloPoMo (for the first time). By doing so, I hope to find some new blogs (my Google-Reader has shrunk almost as much as my own blog readership has since July), some new sources of support/advice, and some new bloggy friends. You, my internet "inner circle" have been amazing, and I need MORE of that these days. I also hope that by blogging daily I will gain some new insights/perspectives on this crazy life of mine and begin to put things in their proper perspective.
3. I'm still debating (read: putting off making a decision about) being 100% honest about all Issues around here. Now, don't freak out, I'm not a crazy TSA blogger or anything -- I simply have avoided actually TYPING THE WORDS because, somehow, that makes it more real. Naming it and all of that. What do I fear? Judgement, pure and simple. Why do I fear that from people whom I've never met? Well, friends, if I knew the answer to that then I'd market it and make millions. I don't know WHY -- I just know that I do. And I'd rather live in denial (I'm not crazy, I'm not, I'm not!) for just a wee bit longer, thank you very much.
4. I think I've reached a decision about IVF as well. It's probably not a popular decision, especially for my favored commenters. But (bad idea #1) I talked to my MIL for almost an hour on Sunday over coffee, and broke down about some issues (most of which she already knew about) and my general concerns. She gave me her opinions, and (bad idea #2) I listened. I know she's INSANE and all of that, but she made some points that have been rattling in my brain for ages, and for some obscure and unknown reason, I left the conversation feeling better about myself. Go figure.
It boils down to this: my marriage is rocky, yes. Mo and I have issues that may never get resolved. Having a child will NOT fix these issues. I KNOW THIS. But, I want children. I do not want to wait until I'm in my thirties to have them. I have the opportunity, the finances, and a willing spouse. No matter how it turns out, I'm not going to be able to move on until I've given it a try.
A year from now I may be typing this blog from an apartment near my parents, alone except for Fat Girl and Big Boy. Or I may be updating you with pictures of my ever-expanding belly or even (dare I say it? think it? jinx myself?) a newborn. I simply have no way of knowing -- I just know that I have to try.
I am putting it here, in writing, though -- and I expect Nina and Rebecca to hold me to this: if Mo backs out on me again, I'm done.
D.O.N.E. = DONE.
I simply can't stay in limbo any longer.
Monday, November 2, 2009
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Done=Gone with a D. I want whatever you think will make you happy. If that means a baby, great. Are you willing to do it by yourself? Need to think about that too. Because if you think a baby won't fix things, you're right. It may very well make it worse. You may end up doing it by yourself and then tying yourself to this man for the rest of your life and really, really not wanting to. And if you're afraid he might leave you over this blog, I think you're wrong. I think he's of the personality type that can't make decisions like that. He'll wait for you to make it, then call you a bitch the whole time while purposely ignoring his part in the whole mess. Just my opinion. Your fears are making it easy for him to just go along with whatever, make promises he can't keep (and doesn't want to), and not be honest with you about his true feelings. I'd like to be totally wrong, but based on your evidence, it's not looking good, babe. You need to know this going in, before you make a decision that will affect you like this. Love ya, sweetheart. Hope I haven't pissed you off!
ReplyDeleteIt is a funny coincidence that you opened up today, considering my post. I was in a hurry, but I was considering writing about a blogger I knew who was keeping her husband's confidence. And while I was curious, I respected this blogger's - your - circumspection.
ReplyDeleteIt would have been too long a post though, and I didn't want to dissect you and your motivations, but at the same time I can't help but feel what you don't say speaks volumes here. It's totally your decision. But I wonder if it might give you more perspective to type it all out.
I don't know Nina, but her comments above are very perceptive. The only thing I can tell you from my experience is that it was very hard to think of separating from my husband when there are children involved. Remember the little issue of custody. I could not, and still cannot, bear the thought of not spending Christmas with my child. It is the thing that kept my sticking with it - and it seems to have worked for me, for now.
Anyway, rambling. Thinking of you. Glad you seem to be getting stronger.
Since I lost touch with you for a bit, I don't feel like I can really offer much in the way of an opinion right now. However, I will say that you need to do what is necessary to be happy, healthy, and true to yourself. Good Luck.
ReplyDeleteI think that Nina may have a good point or two in there.
ReplyDeleteI know you are not me and that Mo is not my ex...I do know, however, that as nuts as my ex went when I left, it would have been 10x worse if there had been a child involved. And who am I kidding? Would I have even left? I think I would have been so distracted, would have found such a sweet distraction in a baby...and would have had even more reason NOT to turn my life upside down.
But we never did IVF, and I never got pregnant. And I thank God every day, even though there is nothing I want more than to be a mom.
But that's me. There is enough left out of your posts that I can imagine that things are better for you than they were for me. Only you know.
I just hope that you will have clarity. (((hugs)))
Oh, and limbo is a shitty place to be. I lived there for too long.
ReplyDeleteNina, I hear you. I do. And I've thought of that, of course I have. And while I don't know how I'll feel about this decision a year from now, I DO know that 1) I CAN do this on my own (with the support of my family), and 2) I will be okay if that's how this turns out. I'm going into this with open eyes, trying to do what will make me happy, without having any unrealistic expectations. Does that make sense?
ReplyDeleteWhichBox -- I commented on your post today, too, and I "sensed" myself between the lines there. I agree with you -- what I don't say says just as much as what I do say. And those of you who have stuck around probably have figured out much of what I'm reluctant to come right out and say. So why do I still hesitate? I'm not sure -- I think that, until I am positive there's nothing left to salvage, I just can't bring myself to write about it. Perhaps I fear that if I do, I won't be able to see myself/Mo/our marriage in the same way ever again. Does THAT make sense?
As for custody, the Issues at hand have left enough of a mark that I am confident that it would work in my favor. That's all I'm willing to say about that, right now anyway.
Kristin -- I've missed you and appreciate your support, even if you don't feel like you can say much else. :-)
QuietDreams -- You must have commented while I was rambling in my other comment! I didn't mean to leave you out, I promise. I DO see similarities in our stories, perhaps more than I'd like to. And in a year, you and I may be in the same place. I just feel like I'm not quite ready to let go, to give up on the dream. . . not until I've done everything I can to salvage it.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, Nina, before you point it out, I realize I'm contradicting myself a bit here -- it's not intentional, I just can't seem to verbalize my conflicting desires and separate the possible outcomes into "good" or "bad" -- they just ARE. It could go any of a multitude of ways at this point, and I'm ok with that. Am I making a mistake? Perhaps. But I can't think of a single parent I've ever met who wished they hadn't had their kids -- no matter how messy their marriage or divorce ended up being.
Oh, honey, that wasn't what I meant. I just meant that even if you leave him, if you have a child together, you'll never really leave him. I never meant to suggest that you'd regret having your baby. I want what's best for you! I want you to be truly happy, and in my experience, there's a lot of stress involved in custody situations. He'll always be the same frustrating guy who'll say one thing and do another. Having a child won't make a difference. Unless he really changes, and unless someone pulls the rug out from underneath him, I don't see that happening, based on your depiction. Like I said earlier, I hope I'm wrong.
ReplyDeleteJo, I'm so glad you have opened up your blog again, I have been wondering how you are... like Kirstin I can't really offer anything but suport right now. I hope that the path you choose is the one that is going to make you happy.
ReplyDeleteGood to hear from you, Jo! I've also wondered how you were doing and hoped for the best. Sounds like you're still in the midst of some sticky, challenging and MAJOR life decisions. Not knowing you (or Mo) in person, I don't feel remotely qualified to offer advice. But I will offer you my thoughts and tons of good vibes that you find a path that brings you some peace and ease.
ReplyDeleteJo, I was so happy to see your name pop back up in my list. I'm sorry to read that you are struggling and conflicted, but happy to see you talking it out. I don't have any advice to offer at the moment but it sounds like you have a really great support system here.
ReplyDelete