I am such a waffle.
Mo, apologetic and sick, continues to swear that he wants to do this. That he will take the time off from work. The clinic says "we still have time!" and is willing to reschedule for next week.
I just injected myself with Lupron.
I am such an idiot.
My mom, on the other hand, is the most amazing person I've ever known. Just as she was willing to swoop me back into the nest yesterday morning, she's also supportive of my indecisiveness. "Take your time, be sure, don't rush. We're here today, tomorrow, next month. We love you and will always be here, no matter what you decide."
If it wasn't for my mom, I don't know how I could cope.
We had a long phone conversation last night in which we both cried. I just love her so much. It has to be hard for her, to listen to me go through all of this and be unable to do a damn thing about it. And yet, no matter what I throw at her, she has remained supportive of me 100%. I want to leave my husband? Ok. I want to stay and have a baby with him? If that's what will make me happy. Keep taking fertility meds while at the same time continuing to look at apartments back home, just in case? The most natural thing in the world.
I know I get a lot of my codependency tendencies from my mom. Her marriage to my father, which lasted nearly 20 years, mirrored in many ways my own. So she gets me, where I'm coming from. She, however, has also spent a tremendous amount of time getting healthy and breaking her previous bad habits. She's found genuine happiness with my stepfather, a man who has loved me more unconditionally than my biological father will ever be capable of doing. She is encouraging me to do whatever I need to do to keep my own sanity.
She isn't judging me.
I'm taking things one day at a time. I applied for three teaching positions back home yesterday (yes, they still have openings at this point in the school year). I found some rental homes (and discovered that the apartments my mom lives in will allow me to rent a one-bedroom AND keep my pups). I dis-enrolled from all of our automatic bill-paying services so that, if need be, I can utilize my full paycheck for whatever I need.
I'm not being unrealistic. I know that making it through this cycle is a long-shot. Mo still has plenty of opportunities to cause havoc. But, sucker that I am, I am choosing to take him at his word. I am choosing to trust him, knowing full well he doesn't deserve it.
You see, he knows it too, and though not at the heart of his depression (which clearly he suffers from), it certainly doesn't help. He KNOWS how fucked up his life has become. He KNOWS he isn't doing all that he promised, all that he wants to do. He KNOWS that this isn't what I want, nor what he wants. He is just so entangled in it that I don't believe he knows a way out.
As he said the other day, we're gonna take it one day at a time.
P.S. Comments are closed for this post. Not because I think you'll judge me -- okay, that's a lie. It's because I totally fear you'll judge me. And I may change my mind tomorrow. So I think it will be easier -- for me-- if I just don't open myself up to that right now. I hope that you all understand.
