* It should be noted that I am not cruel or callous enough to actually SAY these things to any human being. I am, however, bitter and resentful enough to secretly think them. Or, I used to be.
1. At least you know you can get pregnant.
2. It was still so early.
3. This just wasn't the right time.
4. God has a plan for you.
5. You can always try again.
And, of course, the kicker:
6. I know exactly how you feel.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I know that this is your pain...and your time. It is the suckiest thing that can happen...and a type of pain that you can't possibly understand unless you've been through it. It doesn't matter if you've been pregnant 5 minutes or 12 weeks. It really sucks. But I can assure you that there ARE those of us out here who do know exactly how you feel. Some of us have had numerous miscarriages. And it gets worse every time. I know that you want to crawl into a hole and be alone with your pain and misery. But you have an entire army that can walk hand in hand with you through this horrible time. As the fog lifts (and it will...i promise) you will realize that you don't have to suffer alone. And that those of us who have been through it can be an amazing source of comfort and help.
ReplyDeleteYeah. I lost track of how many times I heard those things and different variations of them.
ReplyDeleteMy "favorite" was, "Well, something was probably WRONG with the baby."
Little did they know, I would have taken my baby with all of its so called flaws, than have it die.
Why can't people say, "I am sorry" more often. I think it's that those words seem so trite, and people DO want to help or try and say something to comfort you. "I'm sorry" doesn't seem like enough when you are dealing with the magnitude of loss that you are.
Been there. Oh, babe, I thought them, I said them, and then when I was going through it I realized that I was a completely unintentional bitch. I think I even said them in my blog. I'll answer for it someday. So will everyone else. Don't beat yourself up.
ReplyDeleteI echo Katie's sentiments about, "I'm sorry." Sometimes, that's all there is. I wish that I could do more than simply saying that I'm sorry. But, I am. I wish so deeply that this was different for you. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI totally hear you. It pissed me off when after my first miscarriage, people said all of the things that you had written. Tomorrow, when I go back to work, I am so worried that someone will want to know the "details" of this miscarriage. As if that will help me? They will want to know how far along I was, and if I say 6 weeks they will say, "Oh, at least it was early." The one that I HATE the most is when people say, "A long time ago, you wouldn't have even known you were pregnant at 6 weeks." As if that matters!!!! I know. I knew. It makes no freaking difference.
ReplyDeletePeople need to learn to just say, "I am sorry." Idiots.
I am sorry that you are going through this terrible time.
I agree 100% with your list. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone.
ReplyDeleteKnow that you are in my thoughts.
I'm new here, and have come in at a rough time, obviously, but just know that I am sorry for your loss, and you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers. I know this is hard on you. How is he handling it?
ReplyDeleteAfter three years (in Feb) they (doctors, friends, family) have finally stopped telling me #1, and f**k #2-#6. I'm so sorry about your loss, so sorry for you and Mo.
ReplyDeleteI am so so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI have been that person that thought all of those things.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you are having to listen to them now. People can be SO insensitive.
so sorry.
I'm so sorry. I wish things were different. Thinking of you so much.
ReplyDeleteI'm the odd one out on this, but I actually do feel some sort of relief from "At least you know you can get pregnant." It took my mom 10 years to have me, her only child, and I was always worried about that.
ReplyDeleteI really hate the "so early" and "wrong time" remarks, though. People don't seem to realize that the second you see those two lines, you start having hope, start envisioning the changes in your future, only to have it all torn away.
I'm sorry. I wish that there was something that could be said to make it all better. But it seems that the only magical words in miscarriage land are the ones like you posted that bring pain, not ones that help to relieve it.
I would never presume to say that I know how you feel -- but I am so terribly sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteLFCA
I don't know how you feel, but I can tell you that I have gotten some pretty stupid comments through out my journey, and I have come to understand this one thing about people....
ReplyDeleteI honestly don't think they mean to hurt you, but they just don't know what to say to us. Unless they have been in the exact situation, they have no idea at all.
I do agree with some of your other comments that and "I am Sorry" would do, but I really believe that we as humans think we need to go the extra mile in situations like this when we really don't.
I hope this makes sense to you... it does in my head.
Hugs sweetie,
Erica
Oh honey, I am so damned sorry. I wish I could be there with you or do something to help.
ReplyDeleteI´m so sorry, will not say I know exactly how you feel as I don´t. Never been through this.
ReplyDeleteBut I really feel with you.
#1 is what gets me and the response I want to give "I don't care that I COULD get pregnant I want to STILL be pregnant" A smile of knowing and a hug sometimes, no often times is far more appreciated than words at all!
ReplyDeleteI think the ones I hated the most after my miscarriages were "It wasnt meant to be". But after Nicholas, Sophia, and Alexander died, I remember people saying "There was probably something wrong with the baby. You wouldnt have wanted that." THAT??? That was my baby! And you want to know what was wrong??? MY FREAKING CERVIX. So no, my babies were fine. I was the broken one. So take that you insensitive $*##*$&(#$. Of course, I never said those things in those words. I did usually express that a) there was nothing wrong b) I wouldnt have cared if there was and c) that it was my body that was defective. But still, it hurt.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree. Even if we have gone through exactly the same thing, it is impossible to know exactly how another person feels.
Sending big hugs.
I have to admit, I have thought of #1, but never said it to anyone. I've never had a m/c, so I've never experience #2. #3- #6 just sucks.
ReplyDeleteI'm just so sorry.
Why can't people just say nothing...or at least think about what they are saying before they say it. After my third loss, one of my vbff's said it probably just wasn't in God's plan and it just wasn't his will. Of course, I had heard that one before. Unfortunately for her, that day I was at my limit with the stupid comments (especially from a girl that never had an issue getting pregnant..I mean she got pregnant on accident but that's another story). So anyway, I asked her to explain to me why our loving God would want me to be in so much pain. Why would God want me to feel like my heart was actually broken. I went on to ask her if she knew how it felt to feel like you couldn't get air into your body and you were drowning but a part of you doesn't even care. Love and hugs...I'm sorry some people are so stupid.
ReplyDeleteAMEN!
ReplyDelete