Can ya'll hear that?
That's the breath that I've been holding for the last week (oh, who am I kidding? The last FIVE weeks)finally being released.
I am six weeks today, folks, and I am still pregnant.
Now if I can only get through another week, and see my baby's heartbeat, I might, just MIGHT, start to breathe normally again.
Because, really, this mind-numbing anxiety can't last forever.
And at some point, in the distant future, I might actually start to believe that this is really happening.
Or, at least, I might be able to go to the bathroom without having to thoroughly examine the toilet paper for microscopic traces of -- well, anything at all.
I'm trying, I really am. But, dammit, pregnancy after IF is HARD. And pregnancy after a miscarriage is EVEN HARDER.
And despite the fact that I'm preaching to the choir here, I could use a little bloggy love.
So please, if you haven't crossed that incomprehensible chasm yet, don't hate. It's not any less stressful over on this side, I promise.
It is, though, just a tiny bit more hopeful.
Friday, May 21, 2010
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Six weeks! Six weeks! Six weeks!--what you can't see is me singing those words under my breath and chair dancing to them more enthusiastically than the Numa Numa guy ever dared to dream was possible!
ReplyDeleteI've still got my fingers crossed for you. And inquiring minds want to know when the anxiety ends! ((hugs))
I get it, I really do. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteHOORAY FOR 6 WEEKS!!! I'm praying everything goes just amazingly perfect next week!!!!
I think I have been holding my breath with you!
ReplyDeleteThe part of IF they do not tell you is how difficult it will be when you get pregnant. I swear someone needs to write a book on how to handle pregnancy after IF!
Hang in there! And don't forget to breathe!
I know how you feel. People who have never had a miscarriage or IF will never know the worries that go into a pregnancy. You worry over ever feeling, symptom, etc. So happy you've made it this far--hope it all continues to go smoothly.
ReplyDeleteI get it. No PG loss for me, but I had spotting and freaking out and TP inspecting for weeks and weeks. The first u/s is great, but it will probably still be a while before you can completely relax. Best wishes, congrats that all has gone well so far, and I'm hoping for the best!!!
ReplyDeleteSo far, so good!!! Sending positive vibes your way!
ReplyDeleteSending you some bloggy love. Hope the next week flies by!
ReplyDeleteSo happy for you. Believe me I understand the doubt and concern. Hope it keeps getting better and better.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on hitting the six weeks mark!
ReplyDeleteAs a fellow pregnancy loss survivor I wish I could say it gets better, but for me it really didn't. I was a wreck until I could feel the baby at 16 weeks, and even then, I was still pretty much a wreck. I also suffer from anxiety issues and had to start taking Zo.loft so I don't represent the "norm" here but I have to say, I'm 36 weeks today and I'm still googling "stillbirth at full term".
One thing that did help me was saying to myself, "everything is okay until I know otherwise". I also did a great cognitive behavior exercise when I was really worried about stillbirth in which I wrote down all the ways my worry was productive (only two) and ways it was unproductive or harmful (ten or more). So whenever I felt myself worrying I said, "can this worry be productive right now?" (mostly that was, cause me to be hypervigilant and detect a problem early, so if the baby was moving a lot, which she usually does, the answer was "no") and if it wasn't I just remembered all the negative affects of my worry. Then I said to myself, "sometimes I will think about stillbirth and sometimes I don't have to" (from my therapist) a couple of times until I just stopped thinking about it on my own. It actually worked remarkably well. Anyway, those are the only two things I found helpful in these past 8 months. I hope you can use them (actually I hope you don't have to).
Sorry for the monster comment, but I just thought you might want some tips from a fellow pregnant worrier.
Kait @ esperanzasays.wordpress.com
I can only imagine what you're feeling right now, but I'm loving the hopefulness of your pregnancy! :)
ReplyDeleteWaiting to see a heartbeat is the worst! I have had those terrible pregnancy anxieties. What I finally got to was - how is it helpful to be stressed? So I might as well enjoy the pregnancy for as long as I have it, and appreciate every little change in your body for the amazing experience it is. I hope you get to worry about your baby for 20+ years to come! Bee
ReplyDeleteYeah for six weeks! I will be 7 weeks on Sunday after having 2 miscarriages so I know exactly how you are feeling. The anxiety just won't go away on what is going on and is everything ok. Thinking of you and hoping you see the babies heartbeat next week to put your mind at ease! I see my babies heartbeat on Monday.
ReplyDeleteI didn't have a loss. But did suffer from 3 years of unexplained secondary IF and then a threatened miscarriage and I think the last time I checked for blood on the tp was the night before I was scheduled to go into the hospital to have my little one.
ReplyDeleteI really tried to stay off google as that seemed to raise my anxiety but then that just made me google anxiety and pregnancy lol.
But just enjoy it. Right now enjoy the cravings and pampering from the husband. Then move onto enjoying the kicks and wiggles. Then enjoy everyone's attention and then the SLEEP because I have not slept but TWO nights since my little bundle of joy came home 8 months ago.
I wish you the best and can't wait for baby pictures!
Congratulations on making it to six weeks!!! I know this is tough - believe me, I'm only a week behind you. But every day that nothing goes wrong is one more day of growth, one more day of peace. I just keep saying to myself, "one more day, one more day."
ReplyDeleteOn the contrary to making me feel bad seeing my blog reader fill with "now pregnant after IF's" fills me with hope for myself!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations and a long (but not too long xD) and happy pregnancy wish for you!
xx
YAY YAY YAY!
ReplyDeleteI wish I could tell you that I don't inspect toipet paper anymore, but I can't. Sure, it's not as intensely as it was weeks ago, but I still check. Week by week your anxiety will decrease, HOWEVER, please remember that you are in the club and IF has f-ed you up your mind. This means that the next few weeks (months?) will be feeling awesome some moments because you're so full of joy and then a few days later "knowing" (not) that something is wrong and this must be "it" (meaning the loss)....only to confirm that the baby is healthy and strong. I truly hope you don't suffer with the crazies as much as I have, but just be prepared. It'll be SO WORTH IT when we get to hold our little ones!!! A little crazy never hurt anyone, right?
XOXO
I'm keeping everything crossed in my power for you that this week goes by quickly and you get to see that beautiful HB!
ReplyDeleteI haven't experienced a loss, but have gone through 6 years of unexplained IF. I'm sure it's not the same as what you are going through after IF AND a miscarriage, but when/if I ever do get pregnant, I'm sure it will be hard too. Congrats on the 6 weeks!
ReplyDeleteYAY!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with ya! These days are really long, and every trip to the bathroom is a little scary.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on reaching 6 weeks! I wish there was a special "What to Expect" book for pregnancy after IF and/or miscarriage, because all the books don't focus on the stuff that we really need. Mostly, I just need a book with one page that says, "Calm down. Be Zen. Really."
ReplyDeleteMuch love!
Congrats Jo thus far in your journey.....My name is Kristi and my husband and I just made it through another IVF and are newly pregnant...Actually 4wks 1day today...I have had been pregnant and lost 4 babies in the past year....so we are also very nervous abt pregnancy...Best wishes Kristi
ReplyDelete