I'm trying, folks, I really am. But in the wake of tomorrow's ultrasound, I have to admit I'm very nervous.
The nausea that was nearly constant a week ago is gone. Completely. I actually feel -- dare I say it? -- pretty damn good. I'm tired, yes. But sick? No. And that frightens me.
I also started having mild, period-like cramps. I know that some cramping is normal, but this feels different somehow. Not miscarriage-like bad, but ominous just the same.
On the flip side, my spotting/discharge/gunky stuff has all but ceased.
Despite knowing better, I keep Goog.ling fetal heart rates. Ours last week was confusing -- do I go by the date I measured at? Or the date I actually was? Three days shouldn't make much of a difference -- but in early embryonic heart rates, it does. While our heartrate doesn't qualify as "slow" it wasn't normal either. One site referred to it as "borderline." What no one knows is what is going to happen from here.
Tomorrow it could be normal. Or, it could be gone.
Everything I read indicates that a slow fetal heart rate (below 90 bpm) is a poor prognostic of a healthy pregnancy. Some 60% of pregnancies with such a rate between 6 and 7 weeks end in first-trimester loss. A "borderline" rate of less than 100 bpm gives about a 15% chance of a miscarriage. Which, of course, I don't read as "85% of the time everything is fine," because, really, when are the odds ever in my favor?
I no longer trust my body to do what it is supposed to do.
I am in such a weird space right now. I waffle between making plans for the nursery and playing "wait and see" with my heart. I feel a little bit distant from this pregnancy, which I know is a result of not wanting to get too attached too soon. Sometimes I feel like being absorbed into this world of infertility and loss gives me a skewed perspective of pregnancy. After all, most women have healthy pregnancies and deliver healthy babies. On the other hand, where else do I fit if not in this place?
I wish I could just fast-forward to January and leave all this behind. And that pisses me off. Infertility has taken so much from me the past seven years -- taking the joy of a hard-won pregnancy, too, just seems like a bit much.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
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Oh Jo, this is such a hard place to be in right now. Just try to be calm today, and do something distracting. I wonder if we will ever feel completely relaxed about our pregnancies after infertility. And yes, this pisses me off to no end!!!
ReplyDeleteMorning sickness can come and go, so please don't freak out about that one. I'm sure you're going to go in tomorrow and see one amazing and fast little heartbeat!!! Thinking of you!
Hang in there even though I know its hard! To bring you comfort I felt sick for a week and then it disappeared and I felt "too good" as well. The night before my ultrasound I started having intense cramping. I went to the ultrasound the next day and the baby was measuring perfectly with a strong heartbeat. Symptoms will come and go I'm finding and after what we have been through it is bound to freak us out. Praying for you that all goes well tomorrow. Know you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteI had some mild cramping this week that freaked me out a little, too. It was the same day I had some brown spotting after sex, too, so you can just imagine.
ReplyDeleteI will hope that everything goes perfectly tomorrow. You have a lot of people hoping for you. ♥
I'm praying hard for you Jo.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry :(. Praying that the baby is absolutely healthy.
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to tell you not to worry, but try to bear in mind that you can't control what will happen tomorrow. Also, all of these things CAN be normal - I only had vomiting the three weeks I was in Italy, although i was nauseous for the entire first trimester - but sometimes worse than other times. I had cramping, too. Not that it means anything at all for your pregnancy, I'm just saying that your symptoms don't have to be bad. It's hard not to fixate on it - at 33 weeks, I still keep thinking about what could go wrong and getting nervous about every twinge and pain. I didn't start putting the nursery together until around 31 weeks. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping all is well.
ReplyDeleteOh I so feel your pain!!! This is what IF has done to you - made you insane, no offense, I'm right there with you. I'm sorry that you're so stressed, but I don't blame you at all, I know I'd feel the same way.
ReplyDeleteI was really crampy throughout, still am most days. Don't overanalyze your symptoms. The only thing that is a standard symptom is that everyone's is so very different.
Wouldn't it be nice if you could just fast forward time a little to preview the future and know that there is a good outcome at the end of all this?
Your baby is healthy and you'll verify that tomorrow. Until then, just keep sending positive vibes to him/her.
I understand why you feel that way. I had to come to terms with the fact that I couldn't control what happened to me and the baby. I spent a lot of time in dire, abject terror. Once you've experienced a loss, it's hard to envision anything else. Hang in there. My doc was kind and let me have u/s every 2 weeks. It only helped my peace of mind for the first week after, then I reverted right back to gloom and doom. It did get slightly better when I could feel him moving all the time. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand the stress taking out the joy. Unfortunately, I think that's normal too. I can go about two weeks before fearing the worst. But I hope you get good new tomorrow!
ReplyDeleteI have SO been there! Infertility/loss open a pandora's box of knowledge of very bad things. There is no putting it away, but maybe try to balance each bad thought with 1 or 2 good ones. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteHoping for a beautiful u/s report from you tomorrow!
ReplyDeleteGL!
It's impossible not to worry when the worst has already happened to you once. It's hardest for you to get joy out of your pregnancy right now while the risk of loss is still higher than you'd like, so we'll do it for you until you can catch up! I hope baby is just expanding his/her new digs and realizing that food is good so it's best not to make Mama sick.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking of you today. ♥
ReplyDelete