That's about all I'm managing today.
After several days of feeling pretty good, physically, the cramping and back pain have ratcheted up a notch and I'm spending more and more time lying around on the heating pad and counting the hours between doses of pain medication. I have a million things I want to write about, and yet nothing that I have to say feels substantial in any real way.
I'm aching, inside and out.
I'm angry.
I'm sad.
I'm empty.
(And now I'm writing like an angst-filled teenager. Sometimes I can't even stand myself.)
I posted the other day on FB how I wished I could be on the other side already, the place where all of this is just a faded memory. I want to be able to look back and say that we survived it, that it was all worth it in the end. But how is that even possible? How can having one child ever make up for losing two?
I will survive this. I know that.
But the question that keeps beckoning in my brain is: at what cost?
Saturday, June 26, 2010
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I've asked myself that same question and haven't been able to find an answer.
ReplyDeleteIf only the pain would be worth it in the end and we could somehow know that...it would make it a little less, I don't know, excrutiatingly painful?
(((HUGS)))
I don't think having one child, or two, can ever make up for the ones we lose on the way. Nothing can "make up" for those loses. The loses are a separate thing that must, eventually, be accepted for what they are. Your angel babies are your angle babies, they are not steps on the way to a live baby, they are their own journeys, in and of themselves.
ReplyDeleteI was pregnant with my second child when the due date for my first came and went. I was still so sad that day and I cried as hard as I would have otherwise. I might have had more hope, but it didn't make that lose any less painful.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I know I can never understand the pain you are going through and that my words can do nothing to lessen your pain. Please know that you are in my heart and in my thoughts. Give yourself time and allow yourself to feel everything you need to feel, for as long as you need to feel it. You have suffered a very difficult loss, remember that.
I agree with Kait. I don't think that the good things in our lives make up for the difficult things. Things just are what they are, not substitutions.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are going through this. So sorry that it's been so hard up to this point and that it is so hard right now. Hugs.
I wish I had some words of real comfort, but anything I can come up with just feels so empty. (((hugs))) to you, Jo. I'm thinking of you always.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way as Kait. And when the due date came and went for my first baby, I did have a very emotional reaction. Nothing makes up for that pain and fear, and that experience is the reason I still check on my son at least twice a night. I love both my children, and I just have to wait awhile to see the first one again. She'll be waiting patiently. Yours will too.
ReplyDeleteI ask myself the same thing... yet I am in a completely different situation. :( Praying for you
ReplyDeleteSweetie, having one child or two or three never, ever makes up for the ones you have lost but it does make it more bearable. {{{Hugs}}} and prayers
ReplyDelete"How can having one child ever make up for losing two?" I obviously don't have an answer for this question. I wonder about it too.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I'm not sure of what the cost of surviving our journey was... And other times, I wonder if he survived at all...
ReplyDeleteHugs, dear one...
Jo, I hate this so much for you. My heart is absolutely aching for your loss.
ReplyDeletePlease know my thoughts and prayers are with you, and that we'll all be here to help you get through this.
Hugs.
Hi Jo...I ask that same question myself....I am in the process of going through my 5th loss right now....and loss is terrible...pain is deep...I myself am just moving through the motions of life...wondering if this will ever happen
ReplyDeleteMmm, that's a tough question. The only thing you know is that you WILL survive. In time you'll know how much more you can take and the right decisions will be apparent to you. Until then, hang in there, stay strong and scream and cry all you need to.
ReplyDeleteAlways thinking of you...XO
No answers here, but I am glad to hear someone else gets tired of their own sad self. All I know is the ALI community has the toughest survivors I have ever met. We should all be proud we are not curled up in the corner (all the time.)
ReplyDelete