F*cking Perfect

So, once again, my picture-perfect plans have not turned out so picture-perfect after all.  We were slightly derailed by some bad storms in our neck of the woods (which hindered some posting), and, to be honest, I was a little offput by the reaction (or lack thereof) that I received when I posted on FB.  Now, I know that FB is a social utility, and a pretty surface-level one at that.  But, still.  I had hopes that I might “educate” a few fertiles by sharing my thoughts on NIAW.  Instead, I get the feeling that I am engendering a lot of eye-rolling and a not-so-subtle turning away in an if we ignore it it will go away sort of fashion.

Which, after all this time, shouldn’t hurt.  And yet it does.

Anyway, today is a particularly angsty day for me as it is, being the anniversary of our last transfer which (as we all know) resulted in my second pregnancy and, soon after, my second miscarriage.  That, on top of my BIG birthday being just 5 days away, and Mot.her’s Day right after that -- well, let’s just say I am feeling particularly useless and frustrated these days.  And, perhaps a little sensitive to the reactions (or non-reactions) of others.   So, in an effort to get my feelings on paper and make ME feel better, I’m continuing my NIAW post series with my second song selection: F*ing Perfect by Pink.

You know how sometimes it takes seeing yourself in a photograph to really SEE yourself?  That song is like that for me.  My sister, whom I love dearly, told me that this song made her think of me.  When I listened to the lyrics, I started bawling, for so many reasons.  Knowing that, deep down, my sister loves me.  Knowing that someone gets what I’m feeling, even when I don’t feel like I’m able to express it very clearly.  This song, like my previous post, reminds me that I am still a whole person, despite feeling like an utter failure in the reproductive department.

So many of us know that feeling.  So many of us are hit with it, over and over again, in our daily lives.  And so many of us need to be reminded that we are NOT defined by our “girlie” parts, or our ability to produce miniature versions of ourselves.  Our internal dialogues are “filled with hate” instead of appreciation for what we CAN do, for the strength that is imminent in every one of us.  We face critics every day -- not only internally, but externally in the forms of friends, family, and co-workers who think that they know the solution to our problems.

What we need to remember is that we are JUST FINE the way we are, thank you very much.  It’s so easy to hate our bodies for failing us, over and over again.  It’s so easy to believe that we are somehow LESS THAN because we cannot achieve a successful pregnancy.  It’s so much harder to accept that we are perfect, despite our bodies’ imperfections.

I am making a concerted effort to do things lately that make me feel GOOD about myself.  I am trying to focus on what my body CAN do, instead of what it can’t.  I am reminding myself (daily? hourly?) of the many accomplishments I have achieved and the myriad ways I am successful in life.  I am being kind to myself, in as many small ways as possible, in an effort to change the voices in my head.  It is my hope that, someday, all IF veterans can do the same.  

So, for all my IF friends, IRL and in blogland -- here’s to you.  YOU ARE PERFECT -- just the way you are.


F*ing Perfect by Pink

Made a wrong turn, once or twice 
Dug my way out, blood and fire 
Bad decisions, that's alright 
Welcome to my silly life 
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood 
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down 
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated 
Look, I'm still around 


Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel 
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect 
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing 
You're f*ckin' perfect to me! 


You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong 
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead 
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it! 
Filled with so much hatred... such a tired game 
It's enough! I've done all I can think of 
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same 


Oh, pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel 
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect 
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing 


You're f*ckin' perfect to me 


The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear 
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer 
So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time 
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere 
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair 
Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time 
Why do we do that? Why do I do that? 


Why do I do that... ? 


Yeah, oh, oh baby, pretty baby... ! 


Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel 
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect 
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel 
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me 
You're perfect, you're perfect! 
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing 
You're fuckin' perfect to me...