Maybe it's the Lupron talking, but today I can't stop the negative thoughts from playing a continuous loop in my head. I am trying, trying, trying to remain positive, hopeful, and upbeat about this cycle. But, in the back of my mind, hidden under all the "This is GOING to work"s are the fears:
* What if it doesn't?
* What if we don't get enough eggs?
* What if they stop growing?
* What if we don't make it to blast?
* What if we have nothing to freeze?
* What if we spend all this money -- and get a BFN?
And the most haunting of all:
* What if it works, just to lose it again?
I know that I am doing all that I can, everything possible in my power, to make this work. There is just so much I CAN'T control -- and I hate that part of it. I can do everything right, and it still might not take. I can eat right, exercise, eliminate caffeine, take all my meds, gamble all our money -- and still walk into that cold room and hear the worst.
I know that, no matter what happens, I will survive. The past ten years have taught me that I can survive almost anything. The thing is -- I'm TIRED of just surviving. I'm tired of feeling that heavy ache in my chest, of having these dark, negative thoughts swirling in my head. I'm tired of infertility, and all the baggage that comes with it. I'm tired of trying to find the good in a terrible situation.
I'm tired of being on this side of things, and my biggest fear of all is that I always will be.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
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We are all just hanging on by a thread going through this infertility thing! Blame everything on Lupron, I know I do!!
ReplyDeleteAlso going thru my first ivf and having the exact same thoughts. You're not alone!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment on my blog. I'll be hoping for the best for you - it's such a difficult road.
ReplyDeletesending big squishy hugs my sweet! i truly hope that this is the time you get knocked up and stay knocked up - that you get your miracle.
ReplyDeletei know that fear, the fear of getting pregnant and wondering if it's only to lose it again, been there so i know. just take one day at a time.
xxx
That out of control free fall is the worse. There isn't anything you can do, everything is out of your hands. I've been where you are, where you're afraid you won't get pregnant, and afraid you WILL get pregnant only to lose the pregnancy at the same time. I got through it by not thinking about the immediate future, but by having a plan. "When this cycle doesn't work, I'll move on to X...Y...Z." I totally ignored the "when this cycle DOES work..." part of the equation because it was too painful to think about it. It sounds crazy, but picturing yourself past the here and now and deciding what you'll you do next gives you some control back over the situation. The Lupron certainly doesn't help :(
ReplyDeleteI don't know about Lupron, but I bet that 18-month anniversary has a lot to do with feeling pessimistic right now too. It's just so unfair that you always have to pick up the pieces and be strong, but I'm hoping that good SA is only the beginning of lots of good news to come for you guys!
ReplyDeleteMany (((hugs))). It's so hard to keep these thoughts out and Lupron just makes everything worse from what I've heard. Hoping that just getting it out helps you let some of it go.
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you. You have been through so much...I can't even imagine. It's OK that you're not positive and upbeat some of the time...it can be exhausting trying to keep your chin up. And I don't think the Lupron helps any. When I start to feel down and have bad thoughts swirling around I just try to tell myself it's just the drugs, there's only a few more weeks of this, then I'll know about this cycle. It's hard for me to think beyond this one cycle or I just start freaking out...trying not to think about the past OR the future, actually.
ReplyDeleteHang in there...
There is such a close connection to the mental and the physical and I can't help but think that you're right--the Lupron probably is really affecting how you're looking at this.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, you're also right when you say that you will survive if things don't work out, but I'm hoping, hoping, hoping for you that they will. Hugs.
I'm just catching up on your blog, and came to this post, which I could have written myself. The cost, the anxiety, the failures in spite of everything going so well up to a certain point. Some would say it's character building but I find it to be just defeating at times.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping things work for you, and that you can stay strong during the hard times-but hopefully those are past.