I've kind of disappeared from the blogosphere lately, and for good reason. My life is gratefully undramatic as of late, what with the daily routine of work, come home, work some more, go to bed, get up, go to work, yadda, yadda, yadda. We've had some good moments, sure, with friends and family -- but mostly we're just killing time and trying to survive the holidays.
We are about to embark upon the two months that contain the majority of the Dates-I-Would-Like-To-Forget-But-Can't. But mostly, mostly, we're just waiting. Hoping not to ruin another holiday, waiting for January to try again, and likely fail, so that we can finally Move. On.
In the meantime, I keep being lapped. Several bloggers I've read from the beginning of their journeys now have two or even three little ones at home. I'm not going to lament this fact too aggressively -- I've said it too many times before, and having been on this damn road for an official DECADE in January, it is simply status quo. But I will say this -- I am tired of pretending, and that's why I've largely dropped off the face of the IF planet.
I am tired of pretending to be happy at anyone else's good fortune. We all like to pretend that a win for another infertile is a win for us all, but it's not. I know I can't really blame anyone else for continuing treatments, or moving on to adoption -- but its so frustrating to watch others keep going, doing cycle after cycle, while we sit and twiddle our thumbs. The bottom line is that I am NOT happy for anyone else who gets their baby, while my arms remain empty. I could lie and tell you that I am -- but I'm not. And that's not a popular view in these parts. It's honest, but who wants to hear it?
I hate what IF has made me. I hate that I cannot trust my body to conceive and carry a child, nor can I trust the system to bring me my heart's desire without emotional trauma and serious financial hurdles. I hate that I can't be happy for you -- all of you -- who are crossing over. But I'm not, and so I stay away.
November 17th was, according to the great Jimm.y Kim.mel, Nat.ional Un.Friend Day. I took it a step further -- not only did I unfriend close to a hundred people on FB, but I also cleaned up my reader. I just can't keep torturing myself reading about everyone else's good fortune while I continue to stew in my own bitter juices.
So that's where I am, and why I'm silent. I'm sure the hate mail will soon commence. All I can say is -- I'm honest, sometimes to a fault. We've all thought it -- I'm just the one who will say it out loud.
Friday, November 18, 2011
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I hope you don't get one piece of hate mail. You don't deserve it. This is your space, your thoughts, and nobody has a right to tell you that you shouldn't feel the way you do. If people don't like it, they don't have to read it. I'm sure I speak for many people,that no matter your perspective, we are still hoping and rooting for you. ~Denise
ReplyDeleteYou. Are. Awesome. I'm sure there are plenty of IFers who feel the exact same way and keep posts like these private or simply don't post. Plastic smiles and inauthentic happiness just don't make a lot of sense, do they? I sure hope that you do NOT receive any hate mail....I had a fellow IFer de-friend me IRL due to my not asking enough questions about her pregnancy after her first (and only) IVF. It's not a good feeling to be told we *should* be happy for others who have dealt with IF. But, there are simply no shoulds and shouldn'ts in the world of IF. What is.....is. That's it. And I absolutely respect your feelings. I respect even MORE that you're out there with them. I'm sorry that this blogging world hasn't felt as safe of late, and I applaud you for figuring out some ways to protect your heart. Hugs to you, Jo. Lots and lots of hugs.
ReplyDeleteFair enough. You have every right to feel what you feel and say what you said. And I doubt anyone will send hate mail. If they do, just forward them to me. I'll take care of them.
ReplyDeleteYou won't be getting any hate mail from me. :) Of all the blogs I've been reading, I wanted you to succeed more than anyone. I wish that you could find out answers to why you can get pregnant, but it doesn't end happily. If you had unlimited funds you could travel all over and find a specialist who could give you answers, or use donor eggs, or a surrogate...But who has the funds? I wish I could tell you to hang in there, it will happen...but who knows for sure? It took us 6 years and 4 rounds of IVF to stay pregnant, a long time to be sure, but not even close to what you've been through.
ReplyDeleteI hope that the next cycle is your miracle, or that it brings you closure. You have been so supportive and honest. I totally understand you not reading my blog, but I will continue to read yours.
Once in a great while, no doubt as a particularly strenuous effort of the heavens, I feel genuinely happy for someone who has just announced a pregnancy (adoption, etc.). For probably the five minutes it takes me to say so. Because that's all the happy I could possibly be anyway. For that woman, it will change her life - her schedule, marriage, friendships, sleep, priorities, body, wardrobe, probably job, health, diet, household responsibilities, self-concept, skillsets...for me, as her friend (or virtual friend, or whatever), it will mean ZERO real change. If my sister were pregnant, there would be actual changes to my life - but not 10% of the changes that would occur if I were pregnant. And that's my sister. With everyone else, it would be less than 1%. If I don't ask questions about the baby or want to listen to diaper stories, that basically drops to 0% (other than the change that that person is no longer available to me as a friend, which is a change, but not a positive one). So, of course "a win for another infertile is NOT a win for us all." If you've been ttc less than two years (less than one year past diagnosis), then it is, because you don't really believe yet; you believe that you're "having problems" and it's "unfair" and you cry every month (I sure did) but you know in your heart that you're the imminently future pregnant. Barren, childless - these words have nothing to do with you. Once you've made a serious acquaintance with those concepts, you realize that even if you want good things for others (and even the bitterest of us actually do), their blessings actually hurt you, not because you have a bad attitude and you choose to feel that way, but because the ONLY silver lining in the misery of infertility is having good people to share the burden with, and when they're gone, you're completely alone. And that is even worse.
ReplyDeleteYOU, of course, will never be completely alone, because I'm going to be childless forever, so you always have one ally :).
And if you get hate mail, let me know as well, because I'll have some thoughts I want to pass on. I have been repeatedly shocked by the fact that everyone who condemns my comments that the infertile-mommy-celebration is not good for infertiles eventually admits to being personally hurt by it. 100% of all childless infertile bloggers - zero exceptions - is more hurt in general by pregnancy announcements than lifted up by them, any practically nobody will say so. All that accomplishes is making every one of us feel like dirt because in this "place" we came to feel less alone and less screwed up because of our unacceptable experiences, we can't discuss THAT experience because it might hurt some infertile who now has children. (I don't know how any infertile could POSSIBLY be hurt by that. I would feel so profoundly guilty for leaving others behind if I got pregnant that it would never cross my mind to take umbrage at someone who was wounded by pregnancy announcements - like I was EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.)
Anyway, now I'm ranting. You're right. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Not admitting this problem exists is, I think, the greater sin. Just my $.02.
Don't worry, no hate mail from me. I am probably one of the unfortunate people purged from your reader, but I'll still be reading and rooting for you!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI don't blame you one itty bitty little bit. When I announced, I fully expected to lose half my readers. I almost wanted to collect email addresses so that if I don't make it to the end of the pregnancy with a baby intact, I could email everyone and let them know my blog was safe for consumption again.
ReplyDeleteI really think this is how most people feel but it's not "nice" so every pretends to feel differently. We've "niced" ourselves into such emotional denial that we are made to feel like horrible people simply for feeling normal feelings.
You rock for being honest.
I feel the same exact way- I have been lapped as well and it totally sucks, I am used to being lapped by fertiles but you know things have gotten bad when even the IF'ers start to lap you. I am so sorry you find yourself in this spot but remember this is about finding support for yourself so you do what you got to do.
ReplyDeleteI have been a long time reader but have never commented until now. Blogging is about you- and while it is nice to read and commiserate with others, you need to do you! Remember though that there are many commenters and readers who just want to love and support you and don't need it in return. I have followed your journey for quite awhile and hope for the best for you and will continue to read, though I have completely quit blogging. I guess what I am trying to say is keep this space for you, for whatever you need it to be and know that there are plenty who root for you, regardless of where we are in our journeys.
ReplyDeleteYou do what you need to do to survive this mess! I hope one day you get to feel pure joy for yourself as well as others again! If you prefer not hearing from me even as a reader just let me know, otherwise I'd like to keep following your journey. Lots of love to you!
ReplyDeleteI completely understand why you feel the way you feel. I am one of the bloggers who lapped you, and while I am happy for me, I am devastated for you. It's not fair, and I applaud you for being honest and raw with your feelings-I think I would feel the same way if I were in your shoes. In the meantime, I am still holding out hope for you. I will continue to read your blog and give you support through your journey. XX
ReplyDeleteoh elise to be as unjaded as you are. have you been ttc for 10+ years? if not, you have NO idea how Jo is feeling and why she is feeling like she is nor do you have the right to tell her to get some help.
ReplyDeleteadoption is NOT the solution nor the answer for everyone unfortunately, so yay that it is for you and you're hopefully one step closer to your dream but don't you dare cast your judgement on someone else and their journey because you have no idea, only what the writer chooses to share with you.
Jo, I'm glad that you wrote this post because it is honest and truthful and it's a truth so few are prepared to speak. i've spoken it before and got SLAUGHTERED for it but you know what? i still stand by it. there are people i will be ECSTATICALLY happy for upon hearing their news of impending parenthood [one of the commentators here for example, Circus Princess, hearing she was knocked up was just some of the best news I've ever read!!] and others not so much but even the ones I'm ecstatically happy for, that happiness is yes still tinged with sadness, how could it not be, they've got what i want! that doesn't make me "mean" or "toxic" it makes me human!!
~x~
This is your space & you have to do what's best for you. I applaud your honesty! I'll still read & offer support when I hope I can. And for what it's worth, you don't sound bitter to me, just very pained and heartbroken...which you are.
ReplyDeleteI think the holidays are tough for a lot of people. I have a son, however, all three of my miscarriages have happened within days of Christmas. So, I go, every year with a fake smile on my face. Last year I had a D&C on the 23rd. My son is 3 now and have not used protection since. I hate the question of "When are you going to have another one?" You are very much entitled to your feelings and I wish you the best of luck!
ReplyDeleteI get it. I understand, I can see myself there after years and years of infertility. I agree with the other commenters, you do what you have to do for you, that's why you started a blog in the first place and that's why you should stay (or go, if you choose).
ReplyDeleteWishing you the best.
Right here with you. Watching people get pregnant. Wondering why I cant. It's you blog, say what you want, and others should give you the respect to do so without taking it all personal.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree with you more. I am NOT happy for others who get pregnant, I know it's selfish but it's true. I also unfortunately remove pregnant bloggers from my reading list. I can't help it, it makes me feel so shitty to open up their weekly updates and that's not why I read, so remove them I do. That being said I will expect the same from others if I ever manage to achieve pregnancy and would take no offense from it. So glad you wrote this.
ReplyDeleteThat took enormous courage to say something many of us hide in our hearts. I strongly believe that a blog is your place to write about your feelings not to sugar coat your emotions if it hurts someone. A blog is like a tv show if people don't like it the can switch it off. No doubt about it ten years is ten years too long. There have been some recent BFNs that have devastated me as they were due an opportunity it was their turn and yeah, you know what I believe they should get a go before someone on their first treatment does!! Just another example of the unfairness of IF. I wish you all the best for whatever steps you decide to take next.
ReplyDeleteI hope you didn't get any hate mail. I think you are speaking a hard truth and you're totally right, it's one of those things that is just unspoken in the blogosphere. Everybody knows that pregnancy announcements and updates are painful (see all the pregnant bloggers who apologize for their updates -- which they shouldn't have to do; I figure it's on me to read it or not), but for the sake of community we don't talk about it.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with the misfit above, who notes that feelings about other people's pregnancies change with time. At first it really is "a win for us all" -- you feel like if it could work for that person, your turn must be coming too. But as time goes on and on and on and your whole reader is full of belly shots, then babies, it gets harder and harder to believe that your turn is coming at all. And each update starts to feel like a blow or a reminder of how long you've been at it. (Oh wait, did I say "you?" Clearly I'm talking about me. Sorry.)
Yup. I often stop following blogger or tweeps when they get pregnant and switch to exclusively talking about their pregnancy. Not everyone, but certainly people I'm not particularly connected to. And sometimes in a particularly low mood I'm more aggressive about purging those contacts. I'm genuinely thrilled for a select few, briefly glad for others, but I'm much less effective cheering on recently pregnant people that I used to be. It's just not helpful or productive, and I feel like I can't be reassuring because I know too well how much can go wrong (and my stories pale in comparison to yours, and those of other commenters here).
ReplyDeleteI've also been lapped by IF folks. Agree with misfit - there's a point where you think you just haven't succeeded yet, and then there's a point where you're not sure you'll ever get there. I just posted about this feeling.
Glad you can write about it.
I completely understand! And I did thin out my reader. (except a few I couldn't remove, got an tips?) Waiting and twiddling of thumbs sucks. I can't imagine trying as long as you have as the calendar moves to 6 years for us in a week. It's too long.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. Take care of yourself. You gotta do what you gotta do.
(Ps- I just got my diagnosis this week... after SIX YEARS. So you never know.)
I get it. I've actually backed away somewhat from commenting on your blog and others'. I just feel like, we were in it together and then I got lucky. So many of you ought to be in my place. I especially wish you and Mo were home with your precious little ones right now. It's not fair, and you have every right to be upset. And I don't want to make that worse by coming by and reminding you that yet another person lapped you. So even when I don't stop by to comment, know that I'm reading. I'm thinking of your family. And I'm wishing for you to have your babies' living siblings in your arms as soon as possible. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I've commented much, but I have to tell you, I really think you're just saying what so many people think, and I applaud you for articulating it. Your feelings and thoughts are yours, and they're valid, and anyone who says otherwise is clearly too self-involved to see past themselves. Don't waste your time with them.
ReplyDeleteYou just say what everyone else is thinking.
ReplyDelete"Everyone else" being me! Thanks for saying it so well. Looks like I need to clean up my accounts now.
I hope you don't get any hate mail due to this post because your feelings are valid and natural. During our 3+ years TTC, I got to a point where very few people's pregnancy announcements made me feel good. I can't even imagine how I'd have felt after 7 more years of TTC.
ReplyDeleteI will continue to read your blog even if you (understandably) no longer want to read mine. Hugs to you.
I am totally with you right now and completely understand the need to purge. When I start getting lapped by fellow IF bloggers, well, that stings a bit. It's bad enough when it's IRL friend, but my IF sisters? Oof.
ReplyDeleteI don't blame you one bit and I have to applaud your bravery for posting this. *hug*
I really admire you for having the strength to admit how you're feeling and blogging about it.
ReplyDeleteThis will sound strange, but I think of you often. I know that I'm "one of them" who has crossed over and I know what you're doing is for self-preservation. Much love to you.