On Friendships

I have a friend (IRL) who also suffers from RPL. Though she didn't need IVF to conceive, we bonded over beta hcG's and progesterone levels and the devastation of early loss after early loss. She, like me, has suffered 3 miscarriages  - though all of hers were in the past year. I was over the moon to learn last week that she was expecting again, and had made it all the way to nine weeks! We were due within weeks of each other. I was left speechless when she told me yesterday that she was measuring three weeks behind, and that her baby had no heartbeat. Her last words to me as I hugged her neck yesterday were concern over me, and reassurance that she was continuing to keep everything crossed for my success. 

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I have another friend who conceived fairly easily. We bonded over her early days of TTC, and she did absolutely everything right when she got pregnant with her first. She bent over backwards to consider my feelings, never treating me awkwardly, just waiting for me to ask about the baby. She is pregnant again, without even trying, and due a month before me. She continues to be considerate and kind and oh-so-hopeful for me, without ever being preachy or a "know-it-all" about baby things that I have absolutely no idea about. 

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Mo's best friend and his wife have become our biggest cheerleaders in recent years. They conceived their two beautiful and brilliant children easily, though they suffered an early loss in between. They put us up whenever we roll into town for doctor's appointments, and lend us their children whenever we want. Their babies call us "Aunt Jo" and "Uncle Mo", even though we aren't related. They are our chosen family, and I feel so lucky to be a part of their lives. 

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My sister's route to parenthood wasn't easy. It took several years and some intervention before she was blessed with her two girls. My sister will always listen to me bitch about infertility, and has consistently supported me throughout the trials of trying to build our family. She refrains from judgement and is able to put her personal views aside in order to celebrate my happiness. She is an excellent mother, and a better friend than I ever imagined growing up. 

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Over the years, I've developed these unexpected friendships with (mostly) fertile women through no real effort on my part. I consider myself fortunate to have people who can overlook my jealousy, who have forgiven me time and again for being unable to celebrate their joyous news. They have treated me with kindness and compassion even when I have been unable to reciprocate. They have loved me through my pain, never ignoring it or brushing it aside, but acknowledging it and, eventually, helping me to heal. 

Online, I have a plethora of bloggy friends, with similar histories, and the connections I've made have quite literally saved my sanity over the years. But it's different IRL, where people don't know the lingo and are often thoughtless and/or careless with their words and actions. 

I am far from a perfect friend. Some days, I'm quite lousy. Infertility, and more specifically loss, has taught me a little bit about how to support others - but I'm not always able to do that in ways that they can understand.  I'm better with tragedy than I am when things go right. I am so very, very lucky that, in spite of that, I've managed to find a small group of souls whose brightness helps to lighten the darkness of this journey. 

Every infertile gal should be so lucky.