I Am Happy

I think that I perhaps gave the wrong impression with my last few posts: I am, indeed, very excited and happy to be pregnant.  The FEAR has hidden in the recesses of my brain more and more as each week passes.  The meltdown earlier this week was, in fact, the first occurrence in several months.  I find tremendous joy in every movement, every purchase, every single day that we get closer to bringing Baby Boy home.  Mo and I talk to the baby every day; we cherish lying in bed at night and feeling him squirming around.  I'm absolutely loving talking about ways to decorate the nursery, or what we need to buy, or what we're going to do with him when he gets here.  I am, in short, HAPPY.  In a way that I haven't been in many, many years.

But happiness, for me, does not many blog posts write.  I started this space as a place to vent my frustrations and my fears.  I am, without a doubt, much more verbose when I am experiencing those darker emotions. Writing is cathartic for me, a way to deal with and handle my anger, my bitterness, my terror, my pain.  Those things that I can't talk about with others, at least not in any meaningful way.  It is, in its own way, my therapy.

But please, rest assured, that I am enjoying (almost) every minute of this pregnancy.  Now that the terrible first trimester is over, I feel good physically, and most days I feel pretty damn good emotionally as well.  I have my moments; we all do, I think.  This process leaves us scarred and damaged and its quite normal for The Fear to rear its ugly head every so often.  I am, however, quite happy most of the time.  And even, dare I say it?  Excited.  I went shopping yesterday with my mom to pick out fabric for the stockings she is making for us; we also wandered through two baby departments.  It was surreal, picking out clothes that Baby Boy will wear in just a few short months.  I've started cleaning out rooms in the house to make room for the junk that has accumulated in what will be his room; I'm actually looking forward to going back in there and setting things up.  Most of the time I'm able to believe that things are going to continue to go well, and that Baby Boy will be gracing us with his presence in the spring.

But when I don't?  When the Fear takes over?  That's when I come here, to unload those feelings and to feel better.  It's worked for the past five years (have I really been blogging that long? Holy cow!), and I don't see it changing anytime soon.

So thank you for being there for me, for lending an ear to a rather pessimistic outlook at times.  Just know that, deep down, that's just one part of me -- and lately, that part is getting smaller and smaller.  Happy-Jo rules the roost these days -- I just don't have her voice as finely-tuned.  Perhaps I need to work on that.