I'm not really an "in the moment" poster. I prefer to wait, to let my emotions and feelings settle a bit, to take the time to play with my words and to get things "right" before putting it out there for all the world to see.
Tonight I am too upset to do that. I may regret this tomorrow (in fact I probably will), but tonight I need to get my thoughts in order. And this blog is how I *intended* to do that all along. So here goes.
Mo is out right now. For the third night in a row. (By out, I don't mean at a bar or club -- he is at a friend's house nearby.) This is a recurring theme in our marriage, one that has caused a lot of strife. It is not the source of our problems, but rather a symptom. I hate being "left behind" and he needs more "space" than I do. I can't help comparing us to other couples (a bad idea, I know). I know that few (if any) people that we know would tolerate this behavior. And yet I have for years, and continue to do so. It bothers me because tonight we had a really great night; in fact, we did last night, too. But each night, after the evening with friends was over, he went to see a buddy "for just a little bit". Wednesday he was out until 4:30 in the morning. Last night he came in about 1:00 a.m, then proceeded to play online poker until 7 a.m. Tonight -- who knows.
I am trying so hard to "let go", and failing miserably tonight. I did call him shortly after he left and calmly explained that I wasn't happy about his choice. I know that is all that I can do. And yet I am still insanely frustrated. Why, why, why does he do this? How can he listen to me explain my hurt and then still so easily walk away?
The thing I hate most is feeling backed into a corner. I know that I should establish boundaries, and that he should have consequences. But I feel like I'm not ready to leave this marriage. And, honestly, after all this time, what other consequence is there? I either put up, or get out. I can't control him, I can't expect him to change. I either have to accept and live with it, or not.
It's the "or not" that scares me. I honestly love my husband. I enjoy his company. Our marriage is good most of the time. Yes, it has been a hell of a rollercoaster at times, but I truly believe he is a good man. He loves me, and supports me. I don't believe he is, or ever has, cheated on me. And yet, I am beginning to believe that I deserve better. I deserve a husband who wants to be home with me, watching "The Late Show" and not playing poker or hanging out with unmarried buddies 10 years younger than he is into the wee hours of the morning.
Maybe all this "self-help" stuff has me overanalyzing things. I don't know anymore. Is this normal behavior in a marriage? I somehow doubt it. Should we even be talking about having kids? Maybe not. And yet, part of me must honestly believe that he has it in him to grow up and be a good father --- why else would I be investing the time and money into this?
One of my books quoted a psychologist who said 98% of families are dysfunctional. Is that what we are destined to be? I sorely hope not, and yet secretly fear it. If he hasn't changed in eight years, why would the birth of a child make anything different?
We all make choices. He has made his, and I have made mine. Good or bad, whether you agree with them or not, I'm here because I choose to be. The crux of the matter is why I choose to stay. Is it love? Is it fear? (Not of him, but of the unknown, of being alone?) Am I a loyal wife or a naive doormat?
I fear that what I paint here is not an accurate picture. Mo is a good man, honestly he is. He has Issues. I have issues. Hell, we all do. The question is: at what point do you decide that enough is enough? Do you ever regret giving up and wish you had stuck it out?
I wish I had a crystal ball and could see what the next ten years has in store. If I only knew how it all came out, perhaps I wouldn't feel so damn lost.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
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{{{Hugs}}}
ReplyDeleteJo, I know that my situation isnt exactly like yours but I definately understand where you are coming from. First of all, thanks for sharing and second, I dont know when enough is enough- I wish I could give you the key to it all but I dont know either. Keep your head up- Ill be thinking of you.
ReplyDeletePS You shouldnt regret being honest :) Its really hard but it also really helps.
are you guys in therapy?
ReplyDeleteYou should show him this post.
My mother once remarked, when I was ranting about a friend and her husband, that my own marriage wouldn't work for the vast majority of the world. When I thought about it that way, I realized she was right. My friend and her husband are great together, my husband and I are great together, but neither she nor I could tolerate being married to the others husband. But it WORKS for us. Others shake their heads because they don't understand, but it doesn't matter. YOU and YOU ALONE have the power and the right to decide what you will tolerate, what you won't tolerate, and what works for you. Self-help books are great, to an extent, but they DO have a tendency to try and make every marriage the same. They aren't.
ReplyDeleteAaron needs "alone time"; I don't, really. For the past 8 months while I've been unemployed, he hasn't had any. I'm home when he gets up, I'm home when he comes home, I'm home all day. He has had no time to himself, and it's starting to show. I asked him to explain just now and he thought about it and said "We need time to reconnect with ourselves as individuals, not just as the spouse." Kind of like when you hear women complain about their personalities disappearing when they become wives - they're no longer (tigger) they are (Aaron's wife). Some are cool with that - that's what they WANT to be. Others just...aren't. They want to be themselves for a while too. So maybe...Mo uses the hanging out with his friends as a way to be "Mo". He knows it hurts you, but it's something he HAS to do. If he doesn't...well, Aaron gets downright cranky and assholish and he's one of the most laid back people I know!
I know it's hard to let them do things without us. People have remarked when they see one of us without the other - we're practically joined at the hip. But we've come up with a compromise - he goes gaming with friends on Saturdays, I stay home and do my thing. He's getting time with his friends, and I'm not left "alone". He's also changing his work schedule to more or less match mine, but he'll have 2 hours after work to himself before I get home. :)
As for leave vs stay - how BIG of a thing is this? Is it something you can work around or is it a deal-breaker? Can you come up with a compromise? No one can make this decision but you, and it's a hard one to make. *hugs* If you want to talk, feel free to email me.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
ReplyDeleteIt's never good to feel backed into a corner. As I see it, the issue really isn't whether most wives would tolerate your husband's behavior because what is right for some is not right for others. What matters is how YOU feel about it and whether he is respectful and considerate of those feelings.
{{hugs}} I hope things get better for you.
I agree with S. It does depend on how you feel about it. If you don't like it, then it's a problem, and he should be willing to compromise. 3 nights out of 7, in my opinion, is unacceptable. Yes, you're both off from school right now, but how're you supposed to get pregnant if he's not there? Store some in your freezer for when you're bored? Come on. Everyone needs me-time. That's perfectly understandable. However, when you're married, you have different priorities. End of discussion. I've gone through this with my husband as well, and he's (finally) come to my way of thinking, that he really is too old for that shit. You seem nicer than me, so I'll spare you the details of my fishwife's tongue, but it took a lot of "politely pointing out" the 'friends' deficiencies before he finally got it. Good luck with this. As for having a child, they do eventually grow up, some of them are just late bloomers. Mo doesn't sound like a dud.
ReplyDeletePlease don't regret honesty, even if it seems that people don't understand. Only you will know if this doesn't work for you. It sounds like it doesn't.
ReplyDeleteNot much assvice here--just take care of yourself. Focus on you, on what it takes to feel at peace, despite what is going on with him (detach). The answers will become clear. Guess I did have some assvice, after all. :)
Oh, hon. I can relate. I've had to have more than a couple of conversations with my husband about some of his (in my opinion) "better left behind at 25" behaviors. For me, it's mostly because I worry so much -- and am a firm believer that very little good happens in the wee hours of the morning.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I don't have any advice, but wanted to send some empathy and a couple of virtual hugs your way.
Jo...there was a time I was done with my marriage. For lots of reasons, but mostly because I didn't think we were on the same page about anything. And I knew I deserved better.
ReplyDeleteLong story short, I told him this. I told him it was going to be up to him to either treat me better (while I was also working on treating myself better) or we could just move on. Luckily, he chose me and we worked for nearly a year and a half on our marriage and I spent time with a counselor working on myself.
So I applaud your choice of making it work, and I hope you are able to really find yourself along the way. And when you do, make sure you show it to him because he needs to know and see all that you are. You deserve that.
***nicole