Pleasantly Surprised

Thank you all for your support and comments this weekend. I was truly very pleasantly surprised that no one (yet anyway) told me that I was being pathetic and stupid. Because, honestly, that's how I feel sometimes. Several good questions were raised in the comments, and I will address them in time. For now, I am simply decompressing, and trying to be good to me.

Of course I ended up exploding at Mo later Saturday night/Sunday morning. I can take only so much, and eventually no matter how hard I try to stay calm and unemotional, my passionate side takes over and out it all comes!

I actually went as far as to pack a suitcase. This isn't as decisive as it sounds, as I have a trip home to see my niece, A. this week already planned. But, it made me feel better to tell Mo that I needed some time to clear my head, to evaluate the situation.

As he slept most of Sunday, I've had plenty of time to think. There's lots rolling about in my head -- more than I can put into a single post. The underlying premise, though, is that I am not going to make any sudden decisions. When I am calm, and not caught up in my emotions, I do believe that making my marriage work is not only possible, but a very rewarding thing. I know that I need to work on finding myself again -- not just for me, but for both of us. Mo deserves an independent, well-rounded and confident partner as much as I deserve to be all of those things.

I also told Mo that I felt that he was backing me into a corner -- that his choices were forcing me to react, and to do things that I didn't really want to do. As I re-read my post, I see lots of "shoulds". Reading your comments has helped me realize that I am, perhaps, "shoulding" myself to death. I keep focusing on how things should be, instead of how they are, or even how I want them to be. It's hard for me to accept that things aren't black and white -- that there may not be a "right" thing to do.

And so I'm back where I was, and yet not. I am still working on letting go, on growing up and becoming more myself, whatever that may be. A few weeks(months?) ago I wrote about how stuck I was feeling. I don't feel that way anymore. Superficially I may be in the same place, but emotionally, spiritually, I am beginning to move forward. Where exactly I am headed, I still don't know. But I'm glad I have you, my bloggy friends, to help me along the way.