I'm not terribly proud of the ones that I have made, or that I continue to make. I choose to stay in a marriage that doesn't satisfy me, in hopes that one day it will. I choose to stay with a man who doesn't meet my needs, in hopes that I can find them met elsewhere (that sounds much worse than it is -- I'm not speaking of physical needs, here). I choose to stay with a man who is, at this moment, out boozing it up with his friends for the fourth night this week while I sit at home by myself. Why?
Because the thing I want most is just out of reach. It's THERE. Seven years of infertility about to culminate in The Big Guns, our first real chance at having a baby. Everything I have worked so hard for, have waited so long for, is right there. I can see it. How on earth can I be expected to give up, to walk away NOW?
Will having a child fix my marriage? Of course not. Will it fix me? I hope so.
I hope that having a baby can fill the aching hole in my chest. I hope that raising a child can bring me the joy that is lacking in my everyday life. I hope that finally seeing those elusive two lines, feeling life inside of my empty womb, holding an infant inside my aching arms can bring me the peace that I have sought for so long.
I know that raising children is difficult, that there are lots of pains and trials associated with it. That it is in no way easier AFTER you have kids. That I am supposed to have my shit together before I even think about reproducing. But I also know, deep down in my very soul, that I am meant to be a mother. THAT is my purpose. It's what I've wanted as long as I can remember.
Being forced to give that up, to walk away from my dream when it is so damn close, is probably the cruelest joke the universe has played on me yet.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
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:( Life sucks! I completely understand where youre coming from. Ive always wanted to be a mom and its something Im not willing to give up either. The fact that it is so close and thats what youve always wanted has to be so hard. I really hope that things start looking up for you! I'll be praying it does sooner rather than later :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Jo. I can relate to so much of what you share here--and I can say that for me, marriage seems to go in cycles. Some cyles have been awful and some have been wonderful. I can only hope for you that this "down cycle" improves soon and that you get to experience an upswing in every way! Thinking of you~
ReplyDeleteJo I'm sorry you are faced with all of this. I know, believe me, I know how incredibly frustrating your situation is. In fact I'd go so far as to say I can relate to exactly what you are going though. My husband and I went through a similar period a few years ago.
ReplyDeleteI'll be thinking of you, hoping you find some middle ground or resolution.
Sweetie, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. It utterly stinks. You deserve every happiness that you wish for. Until then, I'm thinking of you and wishing you peace and strength. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I can really relate to a lot of what you have written here. I really hope that things get better and better and better for you.
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