Over the years, I have become really good at stuffing my true feelings deep inside. Oh, sure, I vent loudly to my oft-times delinquent husband, but to everyone else it's "peachy keen." Only recently have I begun to indulge selectively to real-life confidants about how I really feel about the shitstorm that has been my life. My mother, bless her, has listened and remained supportive (I'm still not quite sure how), and still civil to my hubby. I've spent a lot of time this summer re-discovering myself, finding ways to voice my inner feelings in a way that feels healthy. And yet, I'm still not happy.
I stood in the laundry room this evening, folding clothes, the house quiet and still and I realized that I am still unhappy. I also realized that I don't really know why. My job is wonderful, Mo and I are getting along quite well, he's doing everything I could possibly ask of him. So why am I still dissatisfied? Why am I unable to let go of my anger?
Even more disturbing was the thought that crosses my mind more often than I wish to admit: will I ever be content? Or am I destined to be one of those people for whom the grass is always greener on the other side?
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
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If you feel unhappy, I think there is probably something going on, some reason. I don't think that people are unhappy for no reason. The question is, are you willing to explore your feelings? You seem to be pretty willing to do so. Have you considered therapy? Have you already gone to therapy? Sometimes talking things out with someone else can really help (I say this from experience, and this knowing that my last therapist was only mediocre.)
ReplyDeleteAlso, were I in your shoes, I imagine that I would likely be holding some resentment toward Mo. This is not to say that's what's going on with you, only what I'm imagining by going on the little glimpse that I have of your life and projecting my own feelings onto it. Just because things are going ok now, doesn't mean that all the old feelings just disappear (or that they would for me--again, projecting here).
Hope that this is helpful and not annoying. I would definitely pay attention to your feelings.
Hugs aplenty.
Yes, very much hugs. I completely agree with The Whole One above me. Therapy, therapy, therapy. Sometimes you just need a bit of help, sweet pea. You might want to talk to your doc about medication, as well. It helped me a lot.
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