Tomorrow

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the date I've been holding in my head since I first saw that positive pee stick (what seems like ages ago). Tomorrow marks what should have been 12 weeks -- the end of my first trimester, the point at which I could finally relax and feel somewhat "safe."

It also marks six weeks (exactly) since I miscarried.

Tomorrow I will have been "not pregnant" exactly as long as I actually was pregnant. Well, that's not entirely true -- I've been "not pregnant" for far, far longer than I ever was the opposite. But, somehow, post-miscarriage "not pregnant" is different than all those years previous.

There is hope, for one. Hope that I've gotten there before, and will somehow, someday find my way back.

There is a deep sadness, for another. I am still processing my grief over what will never be. I can go days now without sobbing, and then the tears sneak up on me in unexpected places.

Ironically, tomorrow is also my in-office hysteroscopy, my follow-up to make sure that there is no leftover tissue from my miscarriage. It will serve as my clearance to start treatments again with our next cycle. If all goes well, six weeks later we will transfer our frozen blasts and hope for the best.

Tomorrow is my last day in town before we head to Podunk to look for a house, to officially begin the move that we've contemplated for so long.

Tomorrow is a halfway-point, a juncture in the road. A transition from one failed pregnancy into the possibility of another. A segue between our life here, and now, and our life as we want it to be.

Tomorrow I will stand in limbo, looking both forward and back. I will pause in this brief window of time and remember my lost little one, and all the hopes and dreams I had for him. I will reflect on my ten years spent in this town, the heartbreaks and joys, the frustration and pain. And then, somehow, I will find within the strength to close that door and open another. I will look toward my family, and the love that awaits us in our new/old hometown. I will try, try, try to be optimistic about the future, about our upcoming FET, about leaving behind what I spent so much time meticulously building. I will remember that a new chapter in our lives is beginning, and with that comes possibilities that I never could have imagined.

Tomorrow will be just another day for most of the world. But, for me, tomorrow is both the beginning and the end. The end of what was, and the beginning of what will be.

Tomorrow.