Getting Past The Anger

Any advice on how to do it?

I'm angry about so many things right now, but mostly I'm angry with Mo.

He's still not home, by the way.

He's missing a contracted professional-development day today because he got lost (THREE TIMES) on his way back here.  How do you miss your turns that often?  Is he paying attention at all?  I spent literally hours last night on the phone with him trying to figure out where he was and where he needed to go.  I kept asking him what the signs around him said.  His answer?  "I don't know."  REALLY?

I don't know where he stopped last night (I'm assuming he stopped somewhere) or when he'll be home.  It would help if he'd answer his phone, another thing that annoys me beyond belief.  I know he's grown, but out of respect, shouldn't your spouse know where you are -- especially when you are traveling out of state?

And that's the petty stuff.  It annoys me that he has absolutely no sense of direction or of time, and doesn't listen. He's too wrapped up in himself to pay attention to trivial details such as that.  He'll be driving for two hours, and tell me it's only been 20 minutes since he passed such-and-such place.  Or, he'll go out for an "hour" and show up six hours (or more!) later.  And he doesn't understand why I get so frustrated and upset waiting on him.

I'm angry, too, about this weekend.  Not only his going/staying out, but some of the things he said when we fought.  I know that he didn't mean half of what he said, but that doesn't erase the sting.  Nor does it help that I keep replaying our conversations in my head and getting more and more upset about it.

I'm angry that he won't even consider adoption right now.  That he wants to wait until January to try treatments again.  Which means at least another year and a half (minimum!) until I even have the CHANCE to be a mother, probably longer.  I'm no longer holding onto the hope that we are going to be biological parents. There are just too many hurdles, it seems. But I also understand Mo's desire to try everything before giving up.  In all likelihood, we will do another IVF in 2011.  We may or may not get pregnant, but even then I am so anxious that it will end.  Let's assume another brief pregnancy, at best.  It will be next summer before he's even willing to consider adoption (if then).  Add another year or two for paperwork and waiting and before you know it three years have passed and I'm no closer to my goal than I am today.  Which doesn't sound all that terrible, until you add in the 8 years I've already spent waiting to get here.  GAH!

I know I sound pessimistic and I'm sorry.  I want to move past this, I want to put it all behind me and re-capture those good feelings I had before we left for this ill-advised trip.  I just don't know how.

All the grief and drama of the past eight years is just sitting like a weight on my chest, crushing me.  And a part of me wonders if I can ever truly forgive Mo for everything that's happened.  He's given me a lot these last six months -- not just financially, but in every respect.  He gave up everything he knew, everything familiar, and moved five states away.  He busted his ass and got a job (even before I did!).  He paid for everything: the movers, our living expenses, the FET, the meds, the ultrasounds and doctor's visits, the miscarriage.  And so that weighs on me, too.  Had I left him behind in February, I don't think anyone would have faulted me.  Certainly not Mo -- he knew what a crisis point we were at.  But I didn't, and things here have been wonderful since-- amazing, even.

Until this weekend.

And now it feels like we never left, and we are back in the same shit-hole we've always been in.  And I just don't know how to pull myself out of it.

How do you let go of anger that is well-deserved, but no longer fruitful?  At what point does forgiveness become reality instead of just words that you say?  And how do you love someone that you also, in the darkest corners of your soul, kind of hate?