For My Babies

Today is tough.  Not only is it my first EDD, but it also marks what would have been 21 weeks with my 2nd. A double whammy, so to speak.  A year ago I had been TTC for seven years and had never been pregnant. I also had no idea what loss truly meant.  Today, though no one else IRL will remember, I do, and I'd like to dedicate today's post to my lost little ones, my precious lights who are never far from my thoughts.  I love you, my dearest ones.



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To My Babies,

You are my heart.  I miss you every single day.  I think about you often and wonder if I will ever meet you, in some cosmic time and place.  I don't know if I will, and yet I feel as though I already know you, for you are a part of me, now and forever.

I love you, more than you or anyone else will ever know.





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To My First Child,

You started out as two, though we knew right away that one of you wouldn't make it.  I clung desperately to the hope that you would.  It's funny, but I always thought of you as one -- maybe because we were never given the hope that you might bring a brother or sister along with you.

The two brief weeks that I knew you were with me were the happiest I have ever known.  I had waited so long for you, and couldn't wait to get to meet you.  The first sight of blood caused me a terror I had never known before.  The thought of losing you was something I couldn't bear.  And yet, somehow, I did.

I feel like I failed you.  I wanted so badly to protect you, to keep you safe. Yet, despite my best efforts, you were gone before you even began.

Even in such a short time, though, you taught me so much.  Losing you reminded me of how important family truly is.  It spurred me and your daddy into action, and moved us six states away to be closer to your grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.  We are so much happier here, and I like to think that your short stay had a purpose.  You brought us home, and for that I will always be grateful.

Had you stayed, today (or near to it) would have been your birthday.  I still wonder what you would have looked like.  Whose nose would you have had?  Whose feet? I wish I could have had the chance to gaze into your big brown eyes and see both your father and I in them.  To tell you how much we loved you, how long we waited for you.

As long as I live, I will never forget you.  You will always be my first baby, my love, my heart.

Love,
Momma




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To My Second Baby,

Somedays I wake up and I still can't believe you are gone.  You were my rainbow, my second chance at happiness.  I watched you grow from this tiny bubble into an actual little bean with arms and legs and a beating heart.

That sound, so beautiful to my ears, still haunts me.  Though it never beat as fast as it should have, that thumpa-thumpa-thumpa was the most glorious sound I had ever heard.  I couldn't help but grin for days afterward.  The smile on your daddy's face as he listened to you was more than worth the cost of trying to bring you to us.

Please forgive me for having to put your pictures away.  Trust me when I tell you that I carry your image with me in my heart every day.  I still imagine what it would be like to tickle those tiny feet and to hold that tiny hand in mine.

My heart broke on the day yours stopped beating.  I would do anything, absolutely anything, to have you with me today.  At 21 weeks, I would know if you were a precious little girl or a handsome little man.  Your name, already chosen, would be hanging in your nursery.

You were my little fighter.  I knew that from the get-go, and even before you were transferred into my womb, I knew that you were going to stick around.  I don't know why you left -- perhaps I never will.  The doctor tells me that you were perfect.  So why did you have to go?  Why are you not still growing, and thriving, while we wait oh-so-impatiently to meet you?  I don't have any answers when it comes to you, my little one.  Only grief, and sadness, and sorrow that your cousins will grow up never even knowing you existed.

I am your mommy, though, and I will never, ever, ever forget.  I hope that you know that.  I don't know how that is even possible, but I hope that you do.  I love you, and I miss you, and I always will.

Love,
Mommy