Out of the Blue

Mo and I haven't seen much of each other lately.  It's football season, and I'm a coaching widow.  I'm used to it. He gets home after I'm asleep and leaves early in the morning.  We see each other on weekends, mostly.  So, today, I thought nothing of it when he woke up and asked if I wanted to go to breakfast.

We drove around a while, deciding on a place to eat.  Mo started talking about how overwhelmed he feels financially.  How it seems as though we are never going to drag ourselves out of this black hole of debt.  We discussed some things we can do to ease the burden (starting with selling our house back in our old town) and I told him that I was in no hurry to jump back on the baby bandwagon.  One thing led to another, and basically he told me that he is not going to take any more money out of the IRA for treatments.

As in NONE.

He said he wants to redo the testing that is covered by insurance and to keep trying naturally.

And that's it.

No adoption, no IVF.

He wants to focus on retirement.  He wants to ensure he still has some of that money left in 15-20 years when he does retire.  Basically, he said he's reached his limit.

I was shocked.  He has always told me that he'd spend whatever it took for us to be parents.  I always thought I'd have to be the one to say "no more, I can't do this."  I told him that I have, maybe, one more treatment cycle in me.  I told him that I want to move onto adoption.

He vetoed me completely.  It's not even on the back burner, as a last chance option, for him.  It's our baby, or no baby.  Period.

I just don't know how to react or how to feel.  I held it together pretty well, and was proud of myself for remaining calm.  I told him that I respected his opinions, that he was entitled to feel however he felt, and that he wasn't wrong for feeling that way.  I simply feel differently.

I know that, given time, he may change his mind.  I also know that he may not.  And, for the first time, we are not on the same page as to what the next step should be.  He wants to clear up our debt, our taxes and medical bills and lawyer fees before trying again.  I get that.  I can't, however, wait forever. I will be 30 in May...and I never thought I'd be having kids in my 30's.  And, to be quite honest, I can't imagine I will be any more fertile in my 30's than in my 20's.

I'm not making any decisions today, or tomorrow.  He told me later that he felt better just getting all of this off of his chest.  And that he knows he might change his mind later, when we aren't in such a financially dark spot.  I honestly believe he was simply feeling overwhelmed and, in expressing his frustration, gave vent to some other, deeper feelings, he had never voiced before.  Even he said to me "I'm not sure where all this came from."

I can't slip this under the rug and pretend it never happened.  It is too big.  And yet, I don't want to overreact too early either.  Things could still swing back the other direction before I feel like it's too late.  But, there is also a part of me that can now see a point in time where we might reach an impasse.  A time where I will have to choose.

I hope it never reaches that point.  If it does, I fear that my mind is already made up.  But, I'm curious, too.  I think most IF-ers think about this choice in the abstract, if not in the very real reality, during the course of infertility.

And so I ask: what would you, my fellow blogging buddies, do if your spouse wanted to stop treatments?  If they wouldn't consider adoption?  Which unthinkable would you rather face: a life of childlessness or a life of the unknown without your mate, and no other guarantees?

If it came down to it, what would you choose?  Your husband or a baby?