Wait and See

Mo and I finally got the opportunity to talk on Saturday.  He suggested taking a drive, getting out of town for a bit, relaxing and having a meal.

It was what we needed, without a doubt.

I'm not excusing his behavior -- it was inexcusable, and I told him so.

But I also got a chance to listen, something I haven't done so much lately.  Mo confessed to being under a tremendous amount of stress at work, not as an excuse either, just as a "here is how I feel" sort of thing.  As he talked, I realized that he isn't entirely to blame for the current state of our marriage (just 95% of it!).

Anyway, no decisions either way have been made, really.  Just that we both are going to wait and see where the next few months take us.

We're not separating, at least not right now.  I made it clear, though, that I will not continue to be treated the way I have been.  I am not his verbal punching bag, and I told him so.  He needs to learn to approach me with respect and concern and not fly off the handle when the pressure gets to him.  He isn't, right now, willing to go to counseling, so all I can do is let him know what I will/won't tolerate.  I'm getting much better at that, and will continue to draw boundaries as necessary.

After telling me all the things weighing on his mind, Mo finished up with "I don't want to be without you.  Are we okay?"

For the first time ever, I told him that I wasn't sure.  That the baby thing HAD to be something we were on the same page about.  Maybe not right now, maybe not for a year or two.  But, absolutely and unequivocally, I had to know that we would try again in the next few years.  Being a mother is not something I'm willing to negotiate.

He said that he really and truly does want to be a dad.  He has just felt a tremendous pressure this past year to do our IVF's, on my time frame, and financially it has cost us.  And he's right.  I may never have come right out and said "It's a baby or I'm leaving" before now, but it has definitely been an undercurrent in every decision we've made.  I pushed him to move forward, because I'm tired of waiting.  After our first loss, I insisted on trying again as soon as possible, despite it not being the soundest financial decision.  Now, after two losses, I'm willing to wait a while.  I keep reminding myself that I AM "only" 29, and that it will be possible for me to have children for several more years.  And, if Mo changes his mind, (which I don't kid myself COULD happen), then I still have time to proceed without him.

I WILL be a mother, someday.  I hope it is with a loving partner.  I hope that Mo can be that loving partner.  But, if not, I'm comfortable pursuing this alone.  And I believe that it is only fair that Mo realizes this.  Maybe not in the way I told him this past weekend, but in the end -- it's good that we made our positions clear. 

I know my husband.  I know all his faults, and rarely hesitate these days to post them for all the world to see.  Like a specimen under a microscope, some things have been magnified.  This is not entirely a bad thing, as sometimes I need additional perspectives to reassure me that I'm NOT crazy.  However, it's not entirely fair to Mo, either.  He CAN be a good man.  He can also be an utter asshole.  I know this.  But I also know that, deep down, we share many of the same core values -- or, at least, we used to.

Only time will tell if that remains true -- or proves to be the biggest illusion of all.