...and I probably am.
But, for now, Mo and I are talking. And that's good.
He came home sober, with money in hand to pay the bills -- two things I wasn't expecting.
I spent the weekend packing. My "teacher room" is filled with boxes of my personal items. My clothes and bedding are at my mom's. But, for now, I'm still here.
I looked all weekend for a rental, and found a few potentials. I opened a new checking account that Mo doesn't have access to. I was, for all intents and purposes, ready to walk.
But, damn him, he can be so sincere, and so convincing.
He has agreed to counseling, something that I absolutely insisted upon.
He has agreed not to leave town and spend money on ANYTHING unless the bills are paid first.
He has agreed to put treatment discussions back on the table WHEN I DETERMINE I'M READY. (Which, no need to worry, is NOT right now. I'm dumb, but not THAT dumb.)
So what does all this mean? Hell if I know. It could mean nothing, and I could be facing this same situation again in a few weeks, or a few months. It could mean that things really ARE better (and not just my imagination) and that he really IS changing (as he insists). It could mean I'm hanging on to a dying relationship, or it could mean that we're just in the middle of some really shitty stuff. It does seems as though we've been in the middle of some really shitty stuff for several years now....
*Sigh.* There are no easy answers. Right now, there are no answers at all. Just me, taking my time to think things through and make sure I have no regrets.
Happy Thanksgiving, my bloggy friends. I'm most grateful this year for you, and the way you've supported me no matter what. I hope your holidays are filled with a lot less drama than mine.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I think you are doing the right thing by being absolutely sure about your decision. Only you can make the choice about what's right for you as you are the one who has to live with your decisions. I think infertilty is very tough on marriages and I know it has impacted mine. Sometimes I worry that by the time we get our happy ending we will have too many wounds to heal. We have just promised to be kind to each other and to do our bests. I wish you tons of happiness and love. Enjoy your Thanksgiving!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. I hope that the coming weeks bring nothing but good things. Only you can make the decision that is best for you and your marriage. Hugs to you
ReplyDeletethinking of you at this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteOf course this isn't easy - life and relationships are never easy. This makes complete sense that you're giving it another shot. You have to know you've done EVERYTHING you can before you're ready to walk away. And if he's willing to go through therapy, that is huge. Do it ASAP! And we'll be here for you - no matter what!!!
ReplyDeleteYou're doing the right thing. Turn every stone over before you give up and good luck finding eachother again. Counceling is a great thing :)
ReplyDeleteA very wise person once said to me....
ReplyDelete"If it comes down to counselling being the only thing standing between you and the end of your relationship - then you've already lost it"...
Now I don't know whether I agree with that statement and at the time of hearing it for the first time I most definitely did NOT agree with it but now? Well I can see where they are coming from.
I have a friend who has lived in a relationship similar to where you now find yourself with Mo. She stayed for 5 years [heck even got married to him thinking it would make things better] thinking and hoping that he'd change. That every time he said he would change, things would be different - that he/they would.
I always sat and listened to her, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. She asked for my opinion - I said "if it was me saying this, you'd be telling me to leave and leave now" but "only you can make that decision, only you can know when enough is enough BUT do you want to be sitting here, in a years time having this exact same conversation with me?"
I told her every time she asked me what she should do "you should do what will make you smile again, because it's been so long since you have, since you've been genuinely happy".
She left him earlier this year and upon leaving him said to me "this is something I should have done 5 years ago", I just nodded - I knew that, her family knew that but it was a conclusion that SHE had to come to. It was hard to leave him, it always is but it's like taking a Bandaid off, it hurts but once it's off, the pain starts to subside.
Only YOU can know when enough will be enough BUT remember life is not a dress rehearsal, obviously you want to give your relationship every opportunity to work out but you also need to know when enough is enough.
Can you see yourself being happy in this relationship again? Can you see yourself smiling again if you stay?
Do you want to be here, this time next year, posting the same stuff and wishing you'd left this year?
I'm not trying to sway you either way because at the end of the day I just want YOU to be happy but I do want to make you think about all possible choices.
Whatever you decide, I'll be here reading and cheering you on!
~x~
*hug*
ReplyDeleteHappy Thanksgiving to you, too, Jo. ♥
ReplyDeleteDo what makes you happy - not just now, but what you can see making you happy in the future.
ReplyDeletethinking of you.
Jo
Sweetie, you're not crazy. (((hugs))) You are in the middle of a veritable shit storm. Times are rough for both of you, and unfortunately you two are handling the stress in very different ways. I am glad Mo is working with you on this. His agreeing to go back to counseling sounds like a really big step for him. Only time will tell the amount of continued effort he can put forth to save your relationship.
ReplyDeleteAnd for some unsolicited assvice: If I were you, I'd hold on to that separate checking account and start hoarding money. Best case scenario, you can use it for treatments after you two have weathered this storm. But if he has a bad night and goes out drinking, you'll still have money to cover the bills and to leave if that's what you decide to do.
Happy Thanksgiving, Jo. I'll be hoping for the best for you.
Jo, you're in my thoughts. I can only imagine how tough this is for you.
ReplyDeleteMarriage isn't black and white. There is lots of grey. AS you already know, it's not if this happens, you do X, and if this happens, you do Y. Do not beat yourself up if your decision is a process and not a line in the sand.
ReplyDeleteIt is your life and you are the one who will have to live with the decisions you make. I've thought often that if a friend came to me and told me MY story, I would tell her to get the hell out and never look back. Advice is always easy when it isn't you in the driver's seat!
ReplyDeleteWhat made a believer out of my Hubby was when I moved out. After all the fighting and threatening I did, he wasn't a believer until he came home to find all of my stuff (and Skeeter's) gone. That was when things started changing.
Since we met, Hubby & I have always had separate checking accounts and he ADAMANTLY refused to combine them for years. One of my conditions for coming back home was to join checking accounts and to be honest, it was just a test. A test to see if he was serious about changing. He immediately shut down his account without a single grumble.
I say all of this because that was my sign - my sign that he knew I was serious and my signal that he was changing. Maybe Mo's agreement to go to counseling is a sign for you as well.
My thoughts are with you.
Happy Thanksgiving Jo.
ReplyDeleteI think you are doing the right thing. This way, no matter what happens, you will know you gave things every possible chance. {{{Hugs}}}, good luck, and I'm praying for you.
it's all a process. Has there ever been talk about treatment for Mo's drinking? Have you ever thought about a CODA meeting to see if that might help? Good luck sweetie, it's all so hard.
ReplyDeleteYou are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had advice, but all I can offer is support and prayers for you and Mo.
As long as you're safe, that's what matters.
I will pray for strength for you to make the tough decisions that need to be made and for the path you are supposed to take to be made known to you.
Hugs to you Jo!
I don't think your crazy. You are just making sure that the decision you make is the right one. You didn't just give in and let things proceed as they were, you've asked for change and now you are giving that plan a chance to see if it succeeds.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you and sending you strength through this difficult time.
Taking your time to think things through sounds like the best thing you could be doing right now. Praying it will all work out for the best.
ReplyDeleteI haven't written in a while and won't even pretend to have sage advice, but wanted to say that I'm thinking about you. I hate to lurk when I should at least say that I'm listening and sending lots of vibes for peace and wellness in your family's direction. xxoo
ReplyDeleteI wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you. I have been offline for a few weeks, so I missed this post. You have every right to waver in your decision and change your mind. I think it is very good that you are working this out and that you are keeping an open mind, either way. I am so sorry that you are going through this. It must just be awful. You are a very strong woman. I'll be thinking of you often.
ReplyDeletethinking of you, lots, and hoping things are going ok. Only you know what is right. Wishing you peace at this time. (Not sure I could be more cliched, but it is heartfelt).
ReplyDeleteAH! I'm just now checking in after 3 weeks of no computer because of a virus. I'm thinking about you, and just realized there is no way to send you a personal email. do you have one? if so, try to email me at nixy dot nickerson at gmail dot com.
ReplyDelete