Limbo

I haven't been posting much because, really, I just don't know what to say. Everything remains in a sort of limbo of the worst possible kind.  Am I happily married or seeking divorce?  It depends on the day, and sometimes the hour.  The only thing I am sure of these days is that my quest for a family just seems farther and farther out of reach.

We've made it through some dreaded dates already this month -- passing both our IVF retrieval and transfer anniversaries.  I only cried a little -- but that doesn't mean that it hurt any less.  I was just SO SURE that this Christmas was going to be different.  And it is -- just not in the way I had hoped.

I've still got about a month to go, with three more major milestones to pass: the day we found out we were pregnant for the first time (after 7 years!), the day I lost that pregnancy, and the EDD for pregnancy #2.  All within a three-week time frame.

We've also passed the one-year anniversary of Mo's grandfather's passing.  And our own 8-year wedding anniversary.  What do you get for someone who alternately demands a divorce and then swears they'll do anything to make it work?

We've been too busy to schedule a meeting with a therapist just yet, but it's a top to do next week when I'm off.  And, though I know you all mean well, please don't flood me with comments about how that's essential.  I know it is.  But that doesn't mean I'm looking forward to it, or that I want to be reminded that my marriage is in shambles AND I'm unable to have children.  Only one whammy at a time, okay?  And December/January remain the months to mourn my babies.  I can only handle so much grief at once.

And I AM handling it.  I'm working, I'm spending time with my family, I'm going on as though life is normal.  I've made huge strides from the early months of 2010.  And maybe, just maybe, after January 14th I'll be able to put some of this behind me.

Or not.  That's the hardest part, I think -- being unable to decide what it is that is going to make me happy.  Is it building a family with Mo?  Is that even a possiblity?  Is it striking out on my own and pursuing single parenthood?  Will that net me what I really want -- or just create more heartbreak?

I've got so many regrets already (and I'm not even 30!).  I think that I am so terrified of making more mistakes that I'm finding it impossible to do much of anything, for fear that I will regret it later.  I feel immobilized, stuck.  It's as though all possible doors have been slammed shut in my face (and locked from the outside)!  Where's that damn window, already?  The one that's supposed to open when all the doors have been shut?

I had such high hopes for 2010 -- and look how that turned out for me.  Perhaps the secret is to have no expectations whatsoever?  If that's the case, then maybe 2011 will turn out to be a banner year.

A girl can dream, can't she?