Why Me? Why NOT Me?

Those two little phrases have been dancing in my brain for days.

So similar, and yet so different.

For years, I was trapped in the "why me's" of infertility.  Why did it have to be so hard?  Why was it taking so long?  Why had I been chosen to carry this particular burden?

Of course, those thoughts were often coupled with the "why not me's" that came with every glimpse of a rounded belly, every pregnancy announcement, every baby shower.  Every trip to the store/mall/movies/you name it became a source of comparison:  why did they (seemingly) have it all?  Why NOT me?

Then came loss.  And the "why me's" ratcheted up from a whimper to a wail.  Why did I have to go through so much, to be given a glimpse of happiness, and then to have it snatched away?  It was so unfair.

Another loss brought even more in the same vein.  About 5% of women will suffer two miscarriages in a row. Why did I have to fall into that statistic?  Why me?

I am trying, with this cycle, to break myself of the why me syndrome.  It's hard.  After nearly 10 years of (not so) patiently waiting my turn, its decidedly out of character for me to stop feeling sorry for myself.  But, I am making the effort, if it is somewhat contrived at this point.

Every time I start to "why me?" about IVF, and infertility, and recurrent miscarriage, I am trying to stop myself.  To remind myself that somehow, someday, this will all be resolved.  It may not be the way I imagined it, but this rollercoaster WILL eventually end.

And who's to say it won't end happily?  Why NOT me?  Why should I NOT be within that 60-70% of women who carry their third pregnancy to term?  Why should I NOT fall within the 62% of successful live births that my clinic boasts each year?

There ARE happy endings out there. I read about many of them here.  I see others all around me.  And so this time, though the words are the same, the tune I'm singing is drastically different: Why NOT me?