A Few "Aha" Moments

The last few weeks have been quiet, on the outside anyway.  But inside, I've come to several startling revelations, which of course I feel the need to write about here, on my most personal space.  Call it recording for posterity, or whatever.  They may seem small on the surface, but the effects have been kind of earth-shattering.

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The first one came while running. Yes, me, running. I'll wait while you pick yourself up off the floor.  I haven't run since I was about 7 years old, and for some reason I decided that doing the Couch-to-5-K running program made perfect sense.  I hate running.  Or, I should say, I used to hate running.  Because something unexpected happened as I pounded out those steps those first few workouts -- I felt a sense of accomplishment that I haven't felt in a long time.  I felt GOOD.  It felt good to move, to breathe hard, to use my body in a way that I am not accustomed to.  I may only have been running at a minute at a stretch, but I was running.  I was doing something I didn't think I could do -- and that high hasn't left me yet.  

The second revelation came hand-in-hand with that one -- I realized, mid-run, that there is only one person on this planet that I have ever given up on: myself.  I am loyal to the end, giving absolutely everyone around me chance after chance to change things.  I stick by people despite being treated badly, despite not being respected for the amazing, awesome person that I am.  :-)  In all seriousness, I speak badly about myself before all others and frequently tell myself that I can't do _______________ (insert anything you'd like here). I am working really hard to change that -- not my loyalty to others, but in applying that same loyalty to myself.  Running is one way that I am both physically and metaphorically putting myself first -- something I haven't done in a very, very long time.  

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The third revelation comes on the heels of ten years of infertility.  It comes after three losses, and more heartbreak than I ever thought I could stand.  It comes after a simple comment from a random co-worker, whom I suspect will soon become so much more.  I finally, for the first time, told someone out loud that I am not a Christian.  

This is a fundamental shift that may not surprise you (I've hinted at my agnosticism previously), but it was really strange for me to actually say OUT LOUD.  As I told my friend, I'm not one to really broadcast my religious beliefs.  I never did it when I was an ardent church-goer, and I don't do it now that I am questioning all of it, either.  I live in the Baptist Bible-belt, and I have enough of a sense of self-preservation to keep mum on all illogical proclamations that come my way.  

But I've now had several online and in-person discussions with a handful of people close to me (Mo, my mother, my aforementioned new-friend) in which I was able to articulate (though not with as much clarity as I would have liked) just what it is that I find to be so --- offputting?  Illogical?  Neither word seems exactly right. -- about the organized form of Christianity to which I've been exposed my entire life.  

Now, don't get me wrong.  I am not about to start spouting atheist ideology and trying to convince all of you that you're wrong for what you believe.  My beliefs are more like a quote I read once on an acquaintance's FB page under religion: I don't know, and neither do  you.  I respect every person's right to worship as they see fit, in a manner that makes them comfortable and happy, and fulfills their spiritual needs.  I fully see the importance of spirituality and its contributions to society.   I just don't feel like Christianity fits me any more.  I anticipate I may lose followers for saying this, but it just doesn't make any sense to me.  I don't believe that Jesus was God, nor do I believe that his death somehow makes my unforgivable sins suddenly forgivable.  I wish I could say what I do believe, but I'm not far enough along on this journey for that yet.  I just know that something doesn't fit -- and I felt more like "me" finally saying so, and not being afraid to hide behind the societal expectations that I proclaim differently.  

So there you have it.  I realized that I'm awesome, I'm starting to take care of myself, and I'm accepting myself for what I am, where I am.  I may not have any of the answers, but I am slowly starting to feel good in my own skin.  And that, my friends, is worth blogging about.