50-50

I sincerely appreciate all the thoughtful comments left on my post the other day.  Ya'll have always got my back, and that's what I love about this little corner of the blogosphere.  I do feel the need to continue this conversation, though, so if that's not your Christmas cup o'tea (I'm sure you've got plenty of your own family drama), then feel free to skip this post and come back for the much-anticipated infertility boo-hooing that is sure to soon commence.

Society constantly reminds us that a "good" relationship is one that is 50-50.  We hold that magic number in our heads from infancy, dreaming of the soulmate who will one day fulfill that missing half.  I've never found mine, and despite what I read online, I'm highly skeptical that too many others have either.  In my experience, relationships of any kind are rarely 50-50.  There is always a giver and a taker.  In the best relationships, the give and take shifts constantly.  It may be 70-30 today, but 20-80 next week.  It's a constant ebb and flow, then, rather than a static my-share, your-share kind of deal.

Marriage, for me, is not 50-50 either.  Whether its my innate personality (I'm a fixer, a doer) or something else, I find that I often take on more than my "fair share."  That's not to say that there haven't been times when Mo is supporting me -- far from it.  We have had days/weeks/months where I give close to nothing, and he takes up the slack.  But that's never what gets blogged about, is it?  The times when I am a puddle of misery, hiding under the covers from the world, and he makes me laugh.  The days when he surprises me with flowers, or dinner out, or a homemade video.   Or the nights when he tenderly stroked my cheek and tells me how much he loves me.  (It's okay, you can go throw up now).  The point is, first and foremost, that I tend to blog as an outlet for emotions that I can't express elsewhere -- hence the angsty, angry, bitter, and often dreadful overtones of this space.  Sorry for that, folks.

So, no, we don't have a 50-50 relationship.  And there have been times when the bad definitely outweighs the good.  For many years, we probably had about 20% good times compared to 80% hell-on-wheels.  Sickness, death, financial troubles, family drama -- we've had it all.  So what makes me stay?  I stay because the good times ARE so good that they make me forget the bad (at least until the next bad time rolls around).  I stay because the ratio is no longer so dismal -- I'd say quite fairly we have about an 80/20 good time /bad time these days.  The past week has been an anomaly, brought about by several factors.  The pain from Mo's surgery, the rollercoaster of narcotics, the hardship that is the holidays without Mo's family, the reminders of what could have -- should have -- been.  The anniversaries we'd like to forget.  The dreams that are yet unfulfilled.  All of these things have colored our outlooks on life as of late, and none for the better.

Unfortunately, we are both flawed.  Tempers are short.  Moods are black.  In other words, it's Christmas, ya'll.  :-)  Here's hoping yours is better than expected.