I have struggled most of my adult life with feelings of inferiority. I work twice as hard as anyone else, because I believe I am no good otherwise. That goes double for my personal life. I have persevered longer than anyone else ever would at saving a marriage that most would have abandoned by now.
I'm the girl who shops at thrift stores because I don't "deserve" new clothes. I'm the one who picks up and reuses Mo's discarded towels because they're "fine" and good enough. I cook and I clean and I shop and I pay bills and I pull virtually all of the weight (financial and emotional) in our marriage.
And, quite frankly, I'm beginning to think it's not worth it.
This sacrifice, this endurance all in the name of baby.
I want to be a mother more than anything else in the world.
But I also want to be free to be ME. And lately, the two seem incompatible. While Mo and I are definitely on the same page for Project Baby, that's about the only thing we agree on anymore.
Mo had surgery last week, and we've had four raging, knockdown drag out fights since. Everything I do pisses him off.
I should care more.
It's quite telling that I don't.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
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Sorry to hear that you're going through a rough time. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteAre you sticking with Mo only because you want to have a child? I'm not sure that's good...I mean, I think the presumption should be in favor of preserving marriages, of course (and heaven knows you've been there and done that), but I think it might work better if the analysis were independent of the having-a-child analysis. Of course I recognize that that doesn't work logistically...
ReplyDeleteI don't know what I'm trying to say, other than that I'm sorry. I know that the people who want to pick up all the slack for others (I share some of those traits with you, but not to the same degree, because I also judge very harshly those who don't do as much as I do) often enable those others to do less than they would. In other words, it's possible that some of Mo's bad behavior wouldn't happen if you didn't do things for him. I think that happens in a lot of marriages - one spouse becomes the martyr, but it creates a vicious cycle, with every (apparently generous) act of self-denial paving the way for even greater selfishness on the part of the other spouse. So sometimes I think it helps just to set boundaries and be clear about them. But, I don't know whether that's true in your case (I've never met you guys!) and you've been around this block more times than I have. And outside of all that, what I really want to say is, if the underperforming spouse has had a wakeup call and actually realized there is a problem, and cares about the marriage, then he has to step up - regardless of how much you're willing to do for him, he has to manifest a willingness to move heaven and earth to make you happy and make it work. If he's on a lot of drugs I might give him a pass - for a few days - but I'm sorry to hear that you don't (presently - I hope) have a husband who would do anything he could to make you happy, because you deserve that.
You deserve to be happy in your relationship. But I understand staying because you are trying to have children. It is an incredibly hard bunch of choices you have to make.
ReplyDeleteIn the meanwhile, try and do something nice just for your self. Buy a nice outfit, get a nice, fluffy towel just for you. Put yourself first just a little bit. You deserve it, and you deserve to be treated better. But no one else is going to treat you better if you don't start treating yourself better first.
I am so so sorry you're going through this. I know there's nothing I can say to make it better- just know that we're out here thinking about you and sending you lots of love and strength.
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ReplyDeleteI can tell you from personal experience that IF puts enormous stress on a couple. The pain of not attaining a baby can make everything look bleak, put everything in black and white with limited options.
ReplyDeleteI highly recommend going to couples counseling, to work on your communication and to reconnect and remember why you were attracted to each other in the first place. You might consider going by yourself at first, to determine why you feel you have to pull all the weight in the relationship and how you can change this ask ask for what you want. Don't let things get to crisis mode (like I did) to get your husband's attention in this matter.
Again, I'm not passing judgment, just telling you what helped me. I was the same. I was the financial breadwinner, doing the majority of work around the house and Mr. Jem would just "disappear" into football and other sports.
Things went into crisis mode before he actual heard my cry for help (I had been telling him I needed him, but somehow he didn't really hear it). Now he has a job, and he's present for our relationship like never before. For example, I slept in today and woke up to a clean house (we had 8 friends over for dinner last night and went to sleep without cleaning up 100%). He actually washed the dishes, put away the extra leaf in the table, and vacuumed. He was so proud and it made me feel so good, too.
There is hope, sweetie. You have to do everything you can to save your marriage. Only after you have done everything you can should you consider leaving.
Just my $0.02.
All my best,
Jem
I am the same way. My husband's own mother has told me she doesn't know why I stay, but that she's glad I do. In my mind, I'm not so much committed to him as I am committed to the commitment, if that makes any sense.
ReplyDeleteBut let me tell you what I wish I had known. Yes, infertility and loss are stressful and awful and really try you as a couple. So many people gloss over it later, saying "but we persevered and we're stronger and better for it now!" It's not freakin' true.
We won; we got our precious baby and we love him more than anything. But the stress and the struggles aren't gone. If anything they're worse. We're obviously not dealing with the TTC stress, but the parenting stress is there now. Every little thing that annoys you about Mo now will still be there. It might even, as I found, annoy you more than ever before. It wasn't until I was taking care of my son that I realized just how much my husband depends on me on a daily basis. It's like I have one small baby and one overgrown one. Only now if I leave, I feel like I'm breaking up my precious little one's family. (Also my husband -- who has never before been threatening or abusive -- threatened to kill me if I tried to leave. But that's a different story.)
If you want out, get out now. There is no shame in "giving up" and you deserve to be in a more equal partnership, no matter how good the good times can be. And if I can be harsh about it, think about it this way: once you're not TTC with Mo, you'll be using high-quality donor sperm. And with no male factor issues, your treatments will definitely be cheaper and you might be more likely to get a take-home baby.