Today I held a baby who was just hours old. I breathed in his scent and marveled at the tiny fingers and toes. I whispered sweet murmurs in his ear, and for a few seconds, I imagined a different baby, a different ending to our story.
And then I handed him back to his mother.
I managed to keep the tears at bay until I was safely in the car, but oh god. The ache. That familiar, heavy, throbbing in my chest that I have kept so successfully buried the last few months resurfaced, claws digging in fast, refusing to let go.
There are days when I am numb, when I wonder if I am even capable of love anymore.
Today was not one of those days.
Friday, December 16, 2011
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Sometimes it is better to be numb...and sometimes not. You are incredibly brave, and strong. Holding a newborn is like touching the third rail, and you survived.
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the most beautiful posts I have read in a long time. It sums it all up in so few words like a perfect Haiku. I want to share it with everyone who doesn't know why we avoid baby showers and hospital baby visits.
Stay strong.
Wow, I know what you mean about the feeling numb. Isn't it too bad that the confirmation that you still have feelings generally comes in the form of pain?
ReplyDeleteWow! You are stronger than I ever was. I could never even bring myself to go see a newborn, let alone hold one. I know that ache, I'm so sorry you are feeling it again!
ReplyDeleteOh Jo, my heart aches for you. I hope one day soon you get to hold your baby and smell it's sweet hair. {{{Hugs}}}
ReplyDeletei remember when a good friend had her first baby a couple of years ago, she begged me to come round as soon as but also understood why i kept my distance for a few weeks. eventually i went round and held her gorgeous son for nearly 2.5 hours straight, it felt so natural to have him in my arms.
ReplyDeletewhen i left, i managed to get in the car and down the street and around the corner before i pulled over and promptly burst into tears. i sat there with tears streaming down my face for 15 minutes.
she recently had her second baby, a daughter, a couple of months ago, i've so far not gone around to see either of them. i have sent my best wishes and she knows i am happy for her but i just can't do it, not again, not now, not sure ever.
self preservation is high on my list these days.
sending you love from someone who knows only too well.
~x~
Oh, the ache, I know it well. I face the same feelings- will I be able to love? I've built such a wall around my heart, but I do believe- hope that I can...
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