Closure

Mo and I attended a funeral yesterday.  We weren't close to the deceased (it was the father of a co-worker), but I was still amazed at the emotions that it raised in me.

It was the first funeral I've attended since the death of my father-in-law, nearly four years ago.  So, of course, it brought that back, and all the ensuing madness that followed.  But, even more than that, I found myself thinking of our babies.

When my FIL died, we had yet to conceive, despite seven years of TTC.  That loss was by far the closest in proximity to a loved one I had ever experienced. (I lost my dad's parents in childhood, but we didn't live close or see each other often).  And it struck me yesterday that I've experienced three traumatic losses since -- and had no funeral for any.

Because, really, it's not appropriate.  No one hold a funeral for a 10-week-old fetus.  But why?  Do we not grieve the loss of our babies the same way (though maybe not the same magnitude) that we grieve the loss of our parents?  A funeral gives people a chance at closure -- though the pain isn't going to go away any time soon, its a chance to be recognized as having a legitimate sorrow and to be held up by those who love and care for you.

With miscarriage, we get none of that.  We may get cards, or FB posts, or emails of "I'm sorry."  But the legitimacy of our loss is often questioned, and a quick recovery is expected.  Whereas everyone recognizes the grief process when a funeral is held, people wonder why we're so sad after a pregnancy loss.

I tried to express all of this to Mo on the way home, and then felt horribly guilty.  "I know it's not the same," I cried, "because your dad was a real person and...."

He cut me off.

"Our babies were real," he said.  Quiet, sincere.  "I miss our children, too, you know."

It was exactly what I needed to hear.  Society may never give me the closure I need to move on, to find my life without our biological children.  But my husband?  He gets it.

And really, that's all I need to know.