Today was our third day of foster/adoption training. Like the previous two days, it focused mainly on fostering. I think we've had a grand total of 45 minutes of actual discussions about adoption. Which makes for a long day, full of (what I hope) is irrelevant tragedies and horror stories.
Like the previous two days, I left feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. This time, though, my frustration is directed more at my fellow attendants and our instructors than at the system. It makes no sense, I know, but that's honestly how I feel. EVERYONE in our class has children. One of our instructors today has FIVE children (all bio-babies) under the age of 7. He made some lame joke about "who knows how many kids we'll have under the age of five in the next five years." I literally wanted to throw our training manual at him. I know that DHS is not known for their sensitivity training, but surely we're not the ONLY infertiles they have encountered in their line of work? After today, though, Mo and I certainly feel as though we are.
There is nothing like spending the day in a room full of holier-than-thou fertiles to make you feel as though you are stranded on an island, way out in the middle of nowhere. If one more person tells me that I don't know what I'm in for, or that I should enjoy my childless existence while I still can, or even that it's all part of God's plan, I think I am going to scream. I actually walked out of the room for a while this afternoon, choosing to take an unauthorized break rather than lose my marbles.
The ride home was full of mutual venting. We will power through, given that there is just a half-day left, and who knows? The right situation might still present itself. But more and more I am starting to believe that the only way to have the family I want is to continue with treatments.
We can't afford an agency adoption. I'm not willing to gamble on IVF again (though Mo said, once again, that he is). All I want is a baby, or two, with just the normal amount of heartache. Is it wrong to want a family that isn't in recovery mode from the moment it is formed?
Fostering is a wonderful, selfless and generous act. Someday I hope to be in a place where I can do it. But tonight, all I want is to come home to my own babies, tucked safe and sound in their beds.
It's a dream I've had my entire life, and despite ten years of setbacks, its the dream that just won't die.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
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Hi. I just found your blog on the ICLW list. I'm so sorry about your previous losses. I've also seriously considered foster adoption, but my husband is going to take a little more convincing, and we've only recently started infertility treatments(for MFI). I look forward to reading more about your journey and wish you the best of luck!
ReplyDeleteWishing you the best of luck with this part of your journey.
ReplyDeleteAn ICLW Visit from #3 (mfi, speedskating, trying again)
liddy @ the unfair struggle
It is hard going the fostering route, not doubt about it. Ppl who suffer through infertility think that those who tell us "just adopt" are full of crap (most of them are) but then we see those who actually put that into action, and then how do we feel? Foster kids are the children that really need homes. Holier than thou ppl are a bit off putting, but I've met a lot of foster kids and parents, and most of the best parents aren't like that at all. Don't let them put you off, is all I'm saying.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I would foster kids with young kids in my home, but I have been thinking about it more and more lately. When my kids are older, I think it may be in my future, even if it is just respite care.
Best of luck, no matter which way you go.
My gosh that training sounds awful! Maybe you guys could speak to the instructor about being more sensitive?
ReplyDeleteICLW #17
I certainly don't think that ONLY infertiles should foster or adopt, but I thought we had extremely significant representation in the pool of those interested. I'm flabbergasted that any trainer would be so insensitive. (Or that someone with five biological children under five would WANT to foster or adopt - at this point in his life, anyway. It sounds like his hands are plenty full!) I agree - maybe it would be helpful to say something to him.
ReplyDeleteWe are just starting looking into fos/adopt. My biggest fear is that it will be large focus on the foster side and less on the adopt. With some emotional preparation, we could handle a child going back to his/her birth family. But our 4 year old, who it increasingly seems was born of the only good egg I had, could NOT handle a child leaving. So, I am interested in learning more about how often the kids do leave once they have been placed. This is all so difficult - I thank you for sharing your story because I'm just starting down this road and learning. And I have a great crowd of IVF friends, but haven't really found anyone yet going through the fos/adopt process.
ReplyDeleteWow the insensitivity in that environment amazes me. Well done to you for sticking it out and getting through the day. I am sure walking out of the room for a break was the best for everyone. Most people forget to think before engaging their mouths it is a shame as so much hurt can be caused. If only a little thought was put into things said a whole lot of hurt could be saved.
ReplyDeleteHi from ICLW #18
Hi from ICLW!
ReplyDeleteDHS has HORRID training in these sorts of things. And they have the worst job to NOT be sensitive to these situations. :( I thought a long time about going into social work, and I often wish I would have. Especially now that we are an "unexplained IF" couple...I think it really could have helped to have someone in there who knew ttc struggles, even if we do end up with bio-babies somehow. Anyway, I hope the rest of your classes go better and aren't nearly as "I want to throw this manual at yor head" -ish.
MM
Wow -- I find it unbelievable and completely inappropriate for a DHS trainer to talk like that. I'm so sorry. I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a hug. Praying your family grows soon.
ReplyDeleteICLW #49
How absolutely FRUSTRATING and just plain insensitive on the part of the instructor! The process is already overwhelming and to have your IF emotions stirred up on top of it is just plain horrid. :-/ Hoping you can do something nice for yourself today.
ReplyDeleteICLW #60
Hi from ICLW
ReplyDeleteUsusally, when people make some ridiculous comment about apprecating being child-free, I ask them if they would take back having their child.
Sounds a bit mean, but no one has said no. And it usually shuts them up.
Sorry, I meant no one has said yes.
ReplyDeleteThat sounds truly awful. I'm sure you've looked into options, but our agency adoption cost slightly less than our IVF--just wanted to throw that out there. I definitely couldn't handle fost-adopt btw
ReplyDelete