...is that, eventually, most of them turn into pregnancy blogs, and then parenting blogs. I know I'm not the first blogger to write about this phenomenon, but its been circulating a lot in my brain lately. Perhaps its the slew of personal anniversaries I've had in the past month, perhaps its the plethora of pregnancy announcements and births that seem to be ricocheting around the blogosphere as of late. Whatever the reason, I am finding myself deleting more and more of my familiar blogs from my reader, and seeking out new ones. The problem with new ones, of course, aside from all the little things that come with getting to know a new bloggy "friend" is that most of the newbies are just that -- new. They are alternately full of enthusiasm or despair -- both of which I can relate to -- and yet neither of which resonate with me much any more. I am full of tired, and have more than once found myself sighing "been there, done that" and clicking on.
I joined ICLW last month in hopes that it would bring me some new blogs, and it did. I even gained a few new followers (hi, there!). But even that list seemed heavy with pregnant or parenting-after-IF blogs -- much more so than in years past.
We've now surpassed that looming milestone that's been hanging like an albatross for the past 12 months. We have -- unsuccessfully -- tried to conceive for a decade now. Ten years TTC, six years post-diagnosis, four years of treatments, three years of blogging, two years since our first loss, and still no partridge in our pear tree.
The numbers keep swirling in my head, over and over and over again.
120 cycles without contraceptives.
10 months of Clomid.
I'm exhausted. I want to keep plugging along, but I just can't seem to find the energy. I need a hit of adrenaline, something to keep me motivated, because honestly? I've lost sight of the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm beginning to think that we are living our life on repeat -- playing the same song over and over and over again. Am I destined to keep chasing the unattainable forever? Will what I want always remain just ahead around the corner -- right out of arms reach?
Or will this finally be the year that I can make that transition myself -- from IF, to pregnant or parenting?
If only I could see what the future has in store, this would all be so much easier to bear.