Thank you, ladies, for your support and advice regarding the HSG. I am going to voice my concerns at our appointment next week and see what he says. Perhaps we can at least try a saline ultrasound, since Dr. Google thinks that most fibroids can be visualized via ultrasound, but scar tissue cannot. Even if it means a delay in cycling -- so far I am only out a few bucks spent on Estra.ce, so it's not too much of a waste. I think that having some reassurance (whether its his opinion that we need further testing or not) is worth at least mentioning.
I got a little more reassurance last night, though on another (related) subject. I've become so bitter and angry as an infertile (despite my best intentions), that there are days when I wonder if I will even make a decent parent. Will I resent the intrusion on my well-established routines and alone time? Maybe we have waited too long -- and maybe I am too angry -- to ever really be happy again. Sometimes I fear that my heart, out of pure necessity, has simply iced over.
I am pleased to say that is not the case. I spent last night with a good friend whose cousin is staying with her temporarily. The cousin has two young daughters (18 months and almost 3) and she went out for the evening. She hired a sitter, but since Good Friend and I were not going anywhere, we let her go home. An hour or so after putting the babies to bed, I heard crying from downstairs. I didn't have to, but I went to the littlest one, scooped her up, and returned with her to her room. I held her and rocked her until she fell back asleep. As I swayed there in the darkness, her small head buried on my shoulder and her tiny fingers grasping my arms, I smiled. I am, it would seem, NOT as cold-hearted as I would have all of you (and myself) believe. Maybe, just maybe, I'm still able to do this after all.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
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Of course you are! Don't ever doubt it for a minute! It's not like you won't be starving for some alone time once in a while...but your heart isn't icy, it's just got a hard protective shell.
ReplyDeleteThey should be able to see just about whatever you need to with a saline ultrasound, including scarring and malformations. That's why I'm having one next week, to make sure that I don't have anything left in my uterus, and that the D&C didn't cause any damage. If you have a fibroid in the cavity you should see it just fine. Mine was in the muscle wall, so they could tell it was there, but I needed an MRI to get it's actual scope.
I love the image of you rocking that little girl in the dark. The fact you picked up on what she needed demonstrates what an awesome mother you will be one day very soon.
ReplyDeleteI've also worried about my heart turning to ice during this process. It's very hard to be surrounded by those who have what I want so desperately and not hurt. The problem is, if I let myself harden too much, how will that affect any children that I bring into this family? As desperately as I want them, I don't want them to have a mother who is detached and hardened to the world.
Good luck with your RE! I'm hoping the conversation goes smoothly.
I think we protect ourselves and our hearts out of necessity when going through the poking, prodding, procedures, waiting, hoping, and heartache of infertility. Don't worry. Your heart will melt in about .2 seconds the moment you finally become a mother. I know you've been waiting a long time, and I hope it happens for you soon!
ReplyDeleteBeing tired of infertility and all that it brings, and being cold-hearted are two very different things. I love that you were reminded of how generous a parent you will be in such a simple, sweet way.
ReplyDeleteGosh, I know that feeling. I also know the feeling of being tender-hearted toward children only when no one is watching (not that you said that's what you did, exactly - but I know it's what I do). Maybe the iced-over heart is just a defense against having to hear others' opinions of our motherhood potential.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the HSG/saline ultrasound!!
Of course you will be able to do this! You have an amazing heart, and it will melt with any child in your arms!!! You're an amazing woman, don't forget that!
ReplyDeleteStopping by from ICLW! Infertility does so many things to our emotions, convincing us we are cold-hearted people when in reality, the opposite is true. Good luck!
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