Thank you, each of you, for your sincere and heartfelt comments. I suck at returning them and have once again failed miserably at ICLW. I am (mostly) still reading, though in spurts, and you are all in my thoughts quite often. But finding time to blog, or comment, is hard with so much up in the air right now.
Mo and I have reached an uneasy peace, for now. I say uneasy because I just don't know how long it will last. He's smooth, my husband, and he knows how to say all the right things. He is the king of promises and "I'm sorry's."
And I always believe him.
Some of you may scoff, and my dark tone here would never convince you, but I believe my optimism is to blame. I always have hope -- hope that we can one day get past all of this, hope that I can have everything I ever wanted.
I have hope that happiness, true and lasting happiness, is always just around the corner.
I spent my twenties waiting for that happiness to materialize. I can't spend my thirties waiting, too.
I expect that things aren't really settled, despite our flimsy compromises this week. I suspect that another bump (or two, or three) is lurking in the distance. I still can't say in which direction I'm headed, or where on earth I'm going to end up.
I just know that something's gotta change.
And since I can't change him, I'm gonna have to start with me.
If only I had any idea where to begin......
Monday, April 30, 2012
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I am so sorry to hear you find yourself in limbo, waiting, again. I hope you find the way out and that the door you open leads you to your happily ever after. And that Mo follows along. And that it is every bit as perfect and wonderful as you deserve it.
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel any better, I royally failed at ICLW this month too.
ReplyDeleteSorry you're feeling uneasy about things right now. Hopefully you and Mo will work out some kind of resolution soon.
You are in my thoughts. Hope seems so far away right now it's like a fantasy. My husband is playing me too, and I'm totally fed up with it. I hope you have better luck than I do in this area.
ReplyDeleteHugs. I know the feeling.
ReplyDeleteBelieve in yourself. Stop letting the doubting voices. Make yourself happy, and the rest will fall into place. Seriously.
I am glad you have, at least for now, reached some peace. I find it easier to think and figure things out when other things are somewhat settled. I found myself at a similar crossroads about 2.5 years ago. I started therapy - and I can't tell you how much it has helped me. I didn't do couples counseling - I just needed to figure out myself and my own shit - and it was useful. I still go - it helps with all of the infertility stress, but it was the best thing I could have done to help me figure shit out. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteYou are in my thoughts right now.... My best friend went through this a few years back. It was dark, so very dark, and it took time, but she has found the light. I wish the same for you...
ReplyDeleteLimbo sucks. At least during the arguing phases you know what you want and how to get it, right? I wish I could offer some advice, but I'm in a similar place. Practically every day the hubs and I end up arguing, then I'll tell him to GTFO and he'll smooth things over. Hope is a real bitch, hon. I'll be wishing for things to work out for you two, no matter how that may be.
ReplyDeleteYou're starting in the right place--with you. You're right about not being able to change another person, all you can hope for is that he'll change and grow along with you. I hope you two can come to a solution that works for you and gets you back on the path to your happily ever after.
ReplyDelete