That's what is missing for me in my life right now.
I am tired of living in metaphors and symbolic gestures.
I am tired of trying to figure out what my husband is thinking, tired of trying to make peace, tired of fighting the battles I'm facing both big and small.
My marriage is in trouble, friends.
It's never been what anyone would call "smooth sailing" round these parts, but I have to say the last few years have been calmer than years before. So why now?
Perhaps now time feels more pressing, urging me to make decisions while I still have it on my side. Perhaps now I'm just worn thinner than I was before. Perhaps now there are certain things I'm just not willing to tolerate. Perhaps I've become wiser with age.
Perhaps not.
I am torn with indecision, not because I don't know what to do, but because I am afraid I will one day regret it. I'm afraid of making the "wrong" decision, afraid that it won't lead to the outcome I desire most.
A family.
Living children.
A happy home.
Those are the things I want. Those are my priorities.
And, in all honesty, I have no idea how to go about creating the reality I want.
Mo is miserable here. He hates the town we live in, the state, everything. He is thisclose to throwing in the towel and giving up on all of it. He is tired of the infertility, the money being thrown away, the heartbreak and constant disappointments. I don't blame him for any of it.
And yet I do.
I blame him for making shitty decisions, for not handling things as an adult should. I blame him for dragging his feet and letting this journey go on as long as it has. I blame him for stringing me along for years with the promise of a future that may never materialize.
I know I'm being vague. There are issues -- specific issues -- that we are battling. I am just not ready to bare it all here just yet. I have more thinking to do, more decisions to make first.
I'm scared, friends. I feel like things are spinning out of my control and I have no way of reigning them in. Everything has become a muddy, hazy, shade of gray -- the past, the present, the future. I can't see clearly any more -- I feel like I'm driving blind down a dark and winding road with no headlights.
I need a road map for this uncharted territory....unfortunately, I'm going to have to write it myself.
And I've lost all sense of direction.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
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I couple of years ago, Grey and I were in a similar spot. One night, after a particularly bad fight, we asked me to go to marriage counseling with him. It was the best decision we ever made. That first counseling session was hard. Very hard. But it opened the door for us to begin talking about what was on our minds, providing a safe place with someone who was skilled at helping us chose our words and get our points across.
ReplyDeleteBoth Grey and I have been in counseling in some form ever since. Be it group, individual or as a couple. After this last miscarriage, my counselor insisted on seeing both of us. And though I was angry with Grey for some of the things he said, in the end I was grateful that they came out. In fact, tonight I'm seeing this same counselor to continue the journey towards healing.
What you and Mo have lived through is devastating. And it's been a very long journey. It's enough to tear the average person in half. But I believe in both of you and, with some help and guidance, I believe that you both will be able to make decisions for the next step and ultimately come out of this with what you both desire and deserve.
Thinking of you tonight.
I can't imagine what you're going through right now, and I can't even fathom anything I can add that might do any good. Just know I'm thinking of you and Mo and hoping for you guys. hugs-michelle
ReplyDeleteoh sweetie, I know every very last part of this. I am so very sorry. I know that you have had some rough times in your marriage, I hate that you are back here.
ReplyDeleteI understand everything you are talking about- my only advice is to not let go of your dreams and to get into couples therapy ASAP- while couples' sessions were not able to salvage our relationship, it did help us clarify things which I found very valuable.
I am always here, feel free to reach out. My email is cgd.adventures@yahoo.com
so much love for you
Praying for peace and clarity for you Jo!! Lots of hugs to you!!
ReplyDeletePraying moor you Jo and hoping you find some clarity on this journey!
ReplyDeleteOh, Jo. I'm sorry. How can everything that you two have been through not affect your marriage? Of course it's difficult on both of you. Don't feel like you have to do this on your own, though. I think a marriage counselor could help sort out what path(s) will get both of you where you want to go. I'll be thinking of you both.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry this is a hard time for you. I really hope you see some light soon.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and wishing you find the clarity and peace of mind you need.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry things are so rough right now.
ReplyDeleteI'm very sorry, Jo. This is such a difficult journey and marriage can be tough at the best of times.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you're able to find the answers you're looking for. Thinking of you.
Sending you love... I know you and Mo have had hard times before, and I was hoping that you two were in a better place now. It's so hard to make these kind of decisions. I have no advice, just supporting you from afar.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you, friend. Literally. I resent my husband for a lot of his choices and mistakes, also, especially financial ones that have set us back. I resent him for not knowing what he wants, and not caring about what I want. I'm so sorry that you feel trapped too. Thank you for all of your support through everything. I hope you find your answers.
ReplyDeleteI really really hate that you're in such a bad place right now, and that there are no easy answers as to how to make things better. All I can do is let you know I'm thinking of you and sending you strength and clarity to get through this awfully hard times.
ReplyDeleteOh, Sweetie, this was us a year ago. So much disappointment, so much pain, so much discontent. I highly recommend finding a marriage counselor to help you find a safe place to work it all out.
ReplyDeleteHey there, I'm here from ICLW. I'm so sorry. Infertility is so hard and it forces us to confront relationship stressors that we never would have thought of. I hope things look brighter soon.
ReplyDeletePraying you will find the path to bring you out of this haze. It sounds like you need something solid you can hang onto, but everything is shifting about. I sure hope your work life at least is a bit of a haven of stability, where you can go and focus on something to feel a bit normal for awhile. I am thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI am so, so sorry, Jo. If you haven't tried it yet I highly recommend finding a counselor. Don't be afraid to shop around - if you don't feel like you 'connect' with one, find another. And if Mo doesn't want to go with you, go alone. I remember this feeling so well - wishing for clarity. I hope you find it, friend.
ReplyDeleteYou're dealing with so much. Of course you're stressed, traumatized, and confused. If you weren't, I'd suspect you were secretly a robot!
ReplyDeleteI know Mo's stance on counseling, so I won't even suggest going as a couple. But maybe going alone could help you tie up some loose ends. You've been struggling for ten long years and you deserve some closure in whatever form it may come. But I will always be wishing for the miracle happy ending for you. (((hugs)))
Sending you love and the knowledge that we're all here for you. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI feel like I could have written this post. It's a heartbreaking place to be. My marriage hasn't been a walk in the park either (even before the IF). That's part of the reason why IF was so devastating. I remember telling my sister that having children should have been the one EASY thing of our marriage, the one thing we didn't have to work so hard at. Who knew it would be the worst challenge of our lives? Sometimes I am surprised by how quickly some wounds can heal, and sometimes I am surprised at how some wounds never seem to heal. I don't know what the future holds either, but I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Best of luck to you.
ReplyDelete(((HUGS)))
ReplyDeletePerusing your blog via ICLW (#86)
Sorry to hear what you're going through... I can hear that pain in your words. My heart goes out to you and I agree with Cristy... it can make a huge difference xo
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you're having such a tough time. Just don't stop talking to each other :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this. Unlike you, I have no specific goals for the future (other than an end to the misery) and no desire to create a road map; I'm just waiting for my husband to leave. I don't care whether he leaves to "follow a dream" or for a six-month break to "clear his head" or whatever. I'm filing for civil divorce the day his sorry @$$ walks out the door, and an annulment the day after. I don't want to get remarried - I will NEVER risk going through this again - I just want to be completely, clearly, and permanently free. It probably makes more sense to look to make a concrete decision than to wait for the other shoe to drop, but (like you, I think), I'm just so tired. I think it makes sense to give people more chances - I know I screw up, too. But if they don't even intend to act right, that's something else again. Best of luck to you - I'm so sorry you're going through this darkness and pain, and I hope the sunlight is blindingly bright on the other side.
ReplyDelete