I don't know quite how he did it, but Mo has somehow wiggled his way out of the doghouse once again.
Please don't worry about offending me, dear readers. I know he's an ass, and he has definite Issues. It has been worse, I assure you.
Which, interestingly enough, makes it even harder to leave. Because I stayed before, when no one would have ever faulted me leaving. I stayed, for a million reasons, some good, some not. And how do you look at someone with whom you have quite literally been to hell and back with and leave them over what is comparatively minor?
All excuses, I know. He is who he is, and I will never change him. I can only change how I react to him. That is challenging enough, I can assure you. There are mitigating circumstances at play here (isn't there always?), some of which are being addressed and others that are being dutifully ignored. The truth is that I am horrifically indecisive, and I keep waiting for the decision to be made for me. For my path to become glaringly obvious. And while it may be obvious to you, dear readers, I waffle. Because it isn't all bad. In fact, a lot of the time it's pretty good. And one of the major Issues (Mo's depression) may finally, after ten years of cajoling, be treated. (He has begun meds for that and anxiety, both of which he desperately needs).
I hate being so vague, but once again I feel like his story is not my story to tell. So you are left with only one side of the conversation, and that side is murky at best.
All I can tell you is this: I am doing the best I can. And for right now that means continuing to play wait and see. I am not nearly the optimist I once was -- I know a magic cure does not exist. At the same time, I am not yet ready to completely close the door on this chapter of my life.
I am doing the best I can. And really, isn't that all any of us can do?
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
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you are living my life. I waffle all the time, I want someone else to make this choice for me, it is so hard to have the weight of that on your shoulders. everyone has a different threshold, I am hoping that we both figure out (soon) where that stands for us. It is so hard to be on fence like this all the time.
ReplyDeleteso much love for you, we are in this together you and me.
At the end of the day it's your life, you have to do what's best for you. But I will say this & I say it with sisterly love: We train people how to treat us, for good or otherwise. We acquiesce to nonsense all the time but at the end of the day this life we have goes by in a flash. Don't spend it with a bar set too low. Do whatever you can to be happy... that's really all you have control over. All the best to you & Mo.
ReplyDeleteYour best is all you can do. I'm glad Mo is treating his anxiety & depression. That's huge. But I hope you'll take care of you, too. Whatever that means to you. Sending you hugs!
ReplyDeleteTreatment for depression and anxiety is HUGE. God willing that gives him the tools he needs to stop self-medicating with booze and escapism. My heart goes out to you - you've obviously got an incredibly good head on your shoulders, but when you live with insanity (even periodic insanity) as part of your regular existence, it is SO HARD to maintain a steady compass. I think you've done an amazing job.
ReplyDeleteYes - and you are doing an amazing job.
ReplyDeleteIt's just like anything else - it is a decision we have to make for ourselves. I waffled for years. When I did decide to leave, I was finally ready. I had years of other opportunities but when I look back, I don't regret not taking them.
You know what's best for YOU.
XOXO
Yes, some days it is all we can do! Take a deep breath, and plunge on.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean - even though things are much much better on the marriage front, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop, for it all to fall apart. Sometimes I doubt if I did the right thing - but I think our marriage is better, stronger than ever before. Nothing is indestructible - but I hope that I have walked through the 'vale of shadows' and that we can attack the next hurdle together.
I am sorry. I know that is trite. But do the right thing for you, not him. It is a terrifying step, but don't think you will be worth any less, regardless of whatever decision you make.
Infertility is enough to rock any marriage without the additional problems you guys are facing. I know what you are talking about. I desperately want someone to come out of the sky and say "This is what you do...". But there isn't. So I just keep staggering forward. There isn't a magic wand, or a marriage manual, but I hope you guys can find your way out of the woods. I'm thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteYes, you are doing your best, and that truly is all you can do. Thinking of you...
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you are living through this... I am not sure what Mo's penchant is (and it doesn't really matter) but I work with addicts, and he clearly is displaying addictive behaviors. Including the smoothness upon return. I think you are amazing and strong and I don't envy your position. But, my fear this won't stop until it you don't allow it to continue. I truly believe that these matters can be treated however, and I am so glad to hear Mo is taking a step in that direction. Even if alcohol isn't the primary issue, maybe going to something like Al-anon (for family members) might give you some insight and strength of what to do next from people who have dealt with these behaviors before.
ReplyDeleteBut I judge you 0% for what you've done so far. I am just so sorry you've had to face this on top of infertility. Best wishes...
I understand. I really struggle with what to say to you on posts like these, because they all feel like I could have written them. I think you are doing an incredible job of holding things together with the little support you have available to you.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am glad Mo is getting medications he needs now. I just hope that he stays on them. Compliance with the regimen is a huge issue for us here and always results in renewed fighting.
We all do the best we can. Facing it with honesty is the best I expect of myself - and it sounds like you are doing that for yourself as well. My sincere hope for you is that things improve exactly where you are right now - because making the other decision is so damn hard. I've pondered it for years and have never been able to make it, so I work hard to try to improve things the way they are, or just learn to live with it. Maybe that's not the best way to work, but it's the only way I have been able to do it. *hugs*
ReplyDelete