Side Effects and Their Repercussions

I know many of you were concerned about my last update re: Mo's low testosterone and our decision to go ahead with the treatments for it. Let me reassure you that we did due diligence and I read approximately forty-jillion reports about the side effects. I am VERY aware that what we are doing will most likely kill off the few two-headed, lazy swimmers we have left.

And I'm okay with that.

While it may sound totally counter-intuitive, I can definitely say that, for us, it was worth the risk. And that decision has been solidified in the two weeks since Mo started using the T-gel. IT'S LIKE HE'S A DIFFERENT PERSON, Y'ALL.

I can't explain it, except to say that I can visibly see the depression lifting. Some of it, I am sure, is the anti-anxiety medication, but the biggest change came within a day or two of starting the testosterone therapy. And the change is so significant, that I don't think I would even want him to stop, sperm-slaughtering tendencies or not. I know many of you cannot even fathom this scenario, so let me try to explain my thinking.

First and foremost, y'all, it's not my body. And therefore, ultimately, I don't feel like its my decision. Sure, I wanted Mo to consider all the risks, but I didn't have to live with how he was feeling. He did, and therefore only he should get to decide what to do about it. A few days after beginning treatment, Mo told me he hasn't felt this good in nearly a decade. A DECADE you guys. I cant discount how badly he was feeling, or the amount of relief the meds seem to have brought him. I know that if one day I decided IVF was too much and that I didn't want to put myself through it anymore, I honestly believe Mo would respect that. Because I am the one who has to endure the shots, and the surgeries, and the losses. It's my body, and my call. The same goes for him.

Secondly, our primary care physician didn't seem concerned. I mentioned the hundreds of stories I read online, all assuring me that we were essentially electing to kill off every single swimmer he had by treating this condition. His response? He's surprised Mo is making any sperm at all anyway. His testosterone was THAT low. He said the cases in which sperm production shuts down is when the body has an excess of testosterone. Given how abysmal Mo's numbers were, he doesn't believe that will be a problem. If anything, he thinks this might actually increase his sperm counts. While I am less optimistic on that front, it does lead us to point number three.

Mo's sperm suck ass. I mean, really, really, really suck ass. Not only is his volume low, but his motility is awful. During both of our fresh cycles, his sperm was found to be 99% abnormal. We've tried everything: diet changes, lifestyle changes, supplements, losing weight, you name it. And while he has seen a marginal increase in volume and motility, the bottom line remains the same: they aren't pretty, my friends. We've managed to create 26 lovely embryos, most of which fizzled out pretty quickly and none of which made it past eight weeks. I just can't discount the role that male factor is playing in our infertility and even in our losses. I don't BLAME my husband-- he has no control over his gametes. But, so far, not one test has indicated that I have anything going on that would cause/contribute to our repeated losses and failures to conceive.

So. Worst case scenario? The t-gel makes my husband feel like a rock star and then murders all his swimmers. We move on, either to adoption (already in the works) or DS/IUI.

I can live with that.

Would I love for this to be the answer to our problems? You bet. Nothing would make me happier than seeing TLIVFENRIMITT be successful, and a baby born of mine and Mo's gametes the result. But the bottom line is that we want to be parents, and at this point neither of us really cares how exactly that happens. But when it does, I want my partner to be happy and healthy, feeling good and capable of tackling each day. If that means giving up a genetic link to our child, then so be it.

We're going into this with our eyes wide open, knowing that the outcome is completely out of our hands--but also knowing that we have options, and answers, waiting somewhere just out of reach.