I am sure that there are women -- most of them mothers, and including members of my own family -- that will tell you that I hate Mother's Day because I am not a mother, and I desperately long to be one.
And they are right.
But their analysis is shallow, and incomplete, and doesn't do my loathing of today the justice it deserves.
You see, Mother's Day is more than just a day we celebrate our mothers. Mother's Day is the day we glorify and elevate the job of motherhood to near sainthood. Mother's Day is the day we sensationalize (on an even more grandiose scale) the hard, tedious, and sometimes unrecognized things that moms do every day.
(Please note that I am not attempting to minimize the task at hand, Moms. Your job is often hard, and tedious, time-consuming, and difficult. However -- it is not the ONLY job that is hard, tedious, time-consuming, and difficult.)
Mother's Day is just one more way that our society marginalizes women who, for a variety of reasons, have not chosen (or were unable to follow) this particular life path. It assumes that Women of a Certain Age are mothers, and are happy about it. It completely ignores the rest of us, not just the infertiles, but the women who chose not to bear children, or chose not to raise them, or who lost a child. It ignores both men and women who have strained relationships with their mothers, or none at all. It ignores those people who have lost their mothers, or never knew them to begin with.
In short, in its "celebration" of motherhood, it makes a large segment of the population feel like shit. And yes, I know, other holidays do this, too. But Mother's Day is particularly grating in its narrative. Mothers today are already bombarded with messages that They Are Awesome, and it's never limited to just one day. My FB news feed is regularly flooded with poems, and anecdotes, and epic novels about how I, as a person who is not a mother, have NO IDEA what "real love" is like. I have NO IDEA how hard it is to be a mom. I am, in short, not a "real" woman until I parent a child. And it's that message, a message that is pushed down our throats all year long, that rises to an intolerable level of BULLSHIT every second Sunday in May.
Because it's not true.
I know some moms out there will disagree with me, and that's fine. But I want to say it again, and I want you to hear me:
It's NOT true.
Even if you aren't a parent, you are capable of experiencing love.
Even if you aren't a parent, the work you do is valuable.
Even if you aren't a parent, you know what it's like to take care of others instead of yourself.
Even if you aren't a parent, you can know what it's like to clean up someone else's shit.
Even if you aren't a parent, you can know what it's like to experience sleepless nights.
Even if you aren't a parent, you know what it's like to worry about someone else.
Even if you aren't a parent, you know what it's like to wonder if you're fucking it all up.
Even if you aren't a parent, you can make sacrifices for others and put their happiness above your own.
Some moms are awesome -- that is true. My mom is. My sister is. I know lots of awesome moms. But I also know lots of awesome non-moms who "mother" all year long without the recognition that moms get. And to them I want to say this: fuck Mother's Day. You kick ass all year long -- whether you are caring for your parents, an ailing spouse, a small child, or a huge segment of the human population. Wherever this life's journey has taken you, I want you to know that there are people who recognize your value is not tied up in being someone's mother.
You are defined by the choices you make every single day, not by the recipient of those choices.
Parenthood, while amazing, is not the defining aspect of what makes us human.
You are real, with real life experiences, whether you end up becoming a mother, or not.
And so, today, let's celebrate being human. Let's celebrate the variety of life choices that exist, and be thankful that so many human beings are willing to put the good of others ahead of personal gain. Let's celebrate loving others, and sacrificing for others, and doing the hard, tedious, daily life tasks that make everyone else's lives run smoother.
Let's just not assume that mothers are the only people who do this.
Happy You're-A-Valuable-Person Day, my friends. Thank you for everything that you do.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
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I am sorry for the pain infertility has caused you. But you are so far off base it's saddening and maddening all at once. By your logic, no one should celebrate anything because those who can't celebrate it are marginalized. Should we not celebrate sports victories? because some people have injuries or handicaps and can't play. Should we not celebrate birthdays? Because some people have died and can't celebrate anymore. Should we not celebrate graduation? because some people aren't smart enough or don't have enough time or money to finish.
ReplyDeleteHave you stopped to think that maybe society is onto something with the way mothers are held so high? It's true that you can know love and take care of others without being a mother. But the love a mother has for a child - whether adopted or birthed - is unlike any other. Sure there are moms who fail their children and shouldn't be mothers. There are failures in every role in life.
If knocking others and diminishing the reality of motherhood makes you feel better, then so be it. But your words really just make you look like a bitter, angry woman who is lashing out at mothers out of jealousy.
Do you know what the funniest part of Mothers Day is "Jenny Blogger"?
DeleteThe day was originally created by a daughter as a way for her mother to celebrate the SEVEN children she had lost. It had nothing to do with celebrating the "almighty Mum" and all the fabulous things you guys apparently do that no other human on earth does in any other capacity.
Unless you've walked the path of infertility and STILL have empty arms after the length of time both Jo and I have [com on target Jo's post actually iing up 14 years now], then you have NO idea how tough Mothers Day is, or how right on target Jo's post actually is.
*correcting that stuff up in the second paragraph
Delete[coming up 14 years now], then you have NO idea how tough Mothers Day is
In defense of the previous poster, I think her point is that minimizing mothers and what they do is counterintuitive to the whole process. Unfortunately love and sacrifice and worry and empathy do take on a whole new meaning as a parent. It just does. Does that make a "mother" more valuable as a human being? Of course not. But what they do is valuable and special and meaningful in ways that aren't always understood by people who aren't parents. Taking a day out of the year to honor all mother's, living, dead, and non-traditional is a small gesture to recognize and thank them for what they do and the sacrifices they make. To say that it marginalizes all non-mother's is absurd, because every celebration and every occasion marginalizes someone, and therefore nothing should be celebrated. Celebrate the day or not. Embrace it or give it the middle finger. And certainly no one should be forced to recognize it, but to diminish it simply to a day of greedy overindulgence, narcissism and martyrdom is simplistic and judgmental. Everyone deserves recognition for what they do, whether or not that fits in with other's values and expectations, at that includes mother's. We're all familiar with "the pain olympics" and "the mommy wars", and this just seems to be an extension of that.
Delete"Taking a day out of the year to honor all mother's, living, dead, and non-traditional is a small gesture to recognize and thank them for what they do and the sacrifices they make."
DeleteSacrifices they make? See that's what annoys me. Motherhood is a choice, the way it's held up as some kind of sainthood is ridiculous. Nobody makes anybody become a Mother, people do it by choice because they want to, if you're not up for giving up your life for umpteen years to raise another human then don't but don't make out like you're doing something great because really you're not, half the population do it, it's not something new that "you're" doing.
As for a day to celebrate all they do - just read the media, look at how society pushes motherhood as the be all and end all for women and if you're not one, you're really incomplete and have NO idea and you'll see that Mothers get this kind of appreciation EVERY SINGLE DAY of the year, it's just not as in your face as Mothers Day is.
As for being judgemental - walk a day in my shoes where women who have popped a sprog look down on me simply because I haven't. Listen to them when they tell me that I've not really "contributed to society" because I haven't produced children - then we'll talk about being judgemental.
I don't believe Jo was diminishing it as a day of greedy overindulgence but that's what it HAS become. When you look at it's origins and WHY it was started, even the creator was disappointed with it's huge commercialisation a mere 6 years after it was created - "Although she was successful in 1914, she was already disappointed with its commercialization by the 1920s". It's been built up to be this massive hyped celebration which is never what it was intended to be and no doubt the reason why so many who AREN'T mothers have tainted feelings towards the day.
As someone who hasn't had contact with her parents in almost 2 yrs, I completely agree with this post. Yes, there are some amazing people who fit into the definition of "mother" who I'm more than happy to celebrate today. But I also know so many amazing women who don't fit into that definition, either because of infertility/loss, resolutions to living as a family of two, have chosen not to expand their family or have dedicated their lives to caring for others when most would prefer to look the other way.
ReplyDeleteEvery year, I listen to people use the same excuses as the commenter above. Every year, they assume that what's being asked is to through the baby out with the bath water. Do I celebrate the people in my life who I consider "mothers" (and "fathers"). Yes. But by no means do I make it a grand production or at the expense of others. In my eyes those that require this production never fit the definition of "mother." Usually they are the polar opposite. Hence the reason I put Mother's Day (and Father's Day) into the same category as Valentine's Day. After all, the main message on Valentine's Day is that you're not lovable unless you are adored by a significant other. So based on the logic from the commenter above, does that mean single mothers are unlovable?
Wishing you a day of peace.
Well, I don't agree with your understanding of motherhood or the purpose of Mother's day or how mainstream American culture views mothers.
ReplyDeleteMostly I see it as a day I say thank you to my own mom for everything she's done for me, and a day that is no different from any other day in my experience of mothering, other than sometimes my kid brings home some art work for me (as opposed to the art work she brings home daily anyway?!)
But I do understand how painful it can be to be on the outside of this particular divide, having been there myself for many years. And wish you peace.
Ahhh, this is a hard post. I totally get where you are coming from. The years I spent battling infertility (not sure they are over yet), the years post the loss of our triplets at the 24 week mark, and now "celebrating" as an adoptive mum of two, I am on the fence about Mother's Day. It feels awkward and uncomfortable to me, for many different reasons, but mostly because I feel bad for everyone who has lost a child (perhaps not publicly), or a mum, or is still in the trenches. Hubby insists on bringing me flowers, but he does that nearly once every month anyways, so I don't mind if he presents them on this day versus any other. But we don't "do" anything else.
ReplyDeleteIn general, I think Americans "celebrate" a ridiculous amount of holidays and after spending more than half my life growing up overseas, pretty much we only celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas, as well as birthdays and the days our babies went to heaven. And Easter. Sometimes Fourth of July, but not every year. Mostly these days are just to push materialism and fuel the economy, which I don't care for in the least. And I just don't have the energy to decorate for every single day of celebration throughout the year.
I totally agree with you that we should put effort into making all of our loved ones feel special throughout the year regardless of what they do or what title they hold. And I'm sorry that this day is so rough on you. I hope that you have peace the rest of the day and that getting this off your chest is healing.
Your guts and your fire and your incisive words make me smile. One great big shout-out to the millions of people who mother and parent in largely unrecognized ways. Thanks, sister.
ReplyDeleteI get it. And I thank you for this. (My preferred label is Voldemort Day -- i.e., The Day Which Shall Not Be Named, lol -- tomato, tomahto... ;) )
ReplyDeleteI have a lot of unresolved feelings about this day still. Sure mum's a great but please don't lets make them saints yet. My thoughts are with you on what is surely the worst day on the ALI calendar.
ReplyDeleteCan I just add that the person who said that you look like a bitter angry person....well, duh no shit. Of course infertile women are.
DeleteI could've almost written gwinne's comment in its entirety.
ReplyDeleteAdditionally, I have never cared much for Mother's Day, even before I knew I was infertile, because of the often fraught relationship I have had with my own mother. I know that she loves me, and we have a good relationship now that I am an adult. . . but none of the Hallmark-card sentiments that are so popular on Mother's Day fit her as a mother, or our relationship.
Plus, I am generally against shouting to the world how great the people in my life are, be it my mother, father, sister, husband or best friend. My feeling is, if you are close to someone and value your relationship with him/her, tell that person. . . no need to advertise it to the rest of us, who may be struggling with our own relationships or feeling lost and lonely.
Just my $.02.
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ReplyDeleteEveryone comes at it from a slightly different angle and every comment I have read above I see as a valid point. I am new to this blog but I thoroughly enjoyed the post. My baby boy died 2 years ago now, he was our first child and maybe even our last (who knows), but I hope I took this post as it was meant (I hope). It does NOT take away the amazing experience of being lucky enough to parent a child, I for one am jealous as hell when I see mums on tv, in the street, in fact bloody everywhere!. They do a fab job in most cases. But in most cases they chose it, it came easy, every day for them is Mothers day. I get flowers and a card from my better half every mothers day because he knows I wont be lucky enough to get one from my boy. However hideous my experience was/is I feel blessed that I got the chance. I want to send a big imaginary card to all those lovely ladies who long for the chance to clean up puke, moan about not being able to go out etc, etc, Im right there with you. Happy You're-A-Valuable Person Day.X Sal
ReplyDeleteI was in a conversation recently in which a wag (of very traditionalist sentiments, so I think he was just pushing buttons) was mocking the canard that being a mother is the hardest job in the world. Obviously I couldn't say from experience - that is, I can't say from my experience of BEING a mother. But I've done quite a number of jobs, and seen more, and I've seen this job done a lot. I've formed some pretty well-grounded opinions, if I say so myself. I told him that being a GOOD mother probably was the hardest job in the world, but that being a bad mother was so easy, just about anyone could do it. I would say most mothers hit somewhere on the spectrum between the truly good and the truly bad. The good ones deserve celebrating more than one day a year, and for more than their status as biological mothers. Indeed, a woman who is a truly good mother is probably a lot of other truly good things as well - a good friend, sister, neighbor, coworker, daughter, and fellow citizen. Saying she's a good mother is important, but may not tell the whole story. Then there are the bad mothers. For whatever reason, on this holiday we celebrate them equally. You know - the mothers who drown their children, who don't feed them, who allow them to live with rats and roaches among dirty needles, who beat them, who bring home a series of men who eventually molest the children (and the mother denies it), who use drugs and neglect their children, who cheat on the children's father, who spend 20 years criticizing their kids and never once saying one kind thing (because they aren't thinking any), who use their children as pawns to hurt the children's father, who abandon the children, who demand that the children parent their own siblings. The list goes on. These women are eligible to stand up for the blessing in church and I'm not. My mother, who is mentally ill and affirmatively disliked me for as long as I can remember and beat me and my siblings, is eligible to stand up for the blessing. I try to take care of other people's children. I've never beaten anyone. I'm kinder to the intolerable children of others than my mother ever was to me. I don't get to stand. This year, I'm OK with that, because I've accepted that it's just one more example of the stupidity of the world. Before the pearly gates, St. Peter will not be asking who had biological children and who didn't; he will be asking what we did with the gifts and challenges we had. God knows how my mother will shake out on that, given how badly she performed under the significant burdens she carried. But I certainly know that SHE will be one of the burdens considered when the reckoning comes to me.
ReplyDeleteBut if we're going to talk on the human level - and for this debate, seems to me like we have to - then we have to ask what good we're attempting to accomplish here. Time was there was no Mother's Day. We've established the holiday and we think it does some good. When we debate whether it's a genuine good, we have to weigh the drawbacks against the benefits - as with anything. Do those with good maternal relationships need this holiday? Could the impetus to go to brunch when everyone else is also going to brunch be a value great enough to outweigh the suffering it brings to so many others?
I suppose it's possible (I don't see it), but to suggest we forego that analysis (per the commenter above) is pretty intellectually lazy.
I'm usually, if not in FULL agreement with you, at least 98% on most topics Jo, but on this one, I have to side with "Jenny Blogger" and "lisa". This really made you look bitter and like you are lashing out a segment of the population that you want to be a part of. I can't help but think that when and if the day comes that you are in the "mom population" you are going to look back on this post and see how off the mark it really is.
ReplyDeleteI ask you only this. If you become a mother one day, will you not celebrate this day?
ReplyDeleteIt took me many years, many rounds of treatment, and many losses to have my three children. And while I am over the moon happy to receive handmade gifts from my children on Mother's Day, I totally agree with Jo. Many, many women have fought the notion that women should be celebrated and appreciated only when they become mothers. I believe that like in several other countries we should have a Woman's day, a holiday that celebrates the work that all women do, and the struggles that we've all had to face, not just mothers. I believed it when I was in college when I wasn't considering being a mother, and I believe it now.
Deletethank you for this post. I think it is really important to point out that mothers are not the only people who teacher, nurture, care for others and work hard! there are so many reasons and ways this happens, and you mentioned many that apply to me and others i know! bravo!
ReplyDeleteI am a mother, and I agree with your post. Mother's Day makes me squirm, for the reason's you have outlined. I am lucky enough to have my wonderful mother in my life. I am also lucky to have my twins in my life, too. Honestly? This is an embarassment of riches and I don't feel the need to shove it in people's faces, because I know many women either mourning the children they lost, or the mothers they either are estranged from or have lost. Not all mothers are saints. Not all children are connected to their mothers. In fact, quite the opposite. And for the woman who states that we don't celebrate athletes who are disabled? That's not true: we do. If you have never attended the Paralympic Games, you are truly missing out on a great, life teaching event. Here's the thing: every day, in every way, we celebrate mothers and families. Look at a copy of People Magazine, or watch E!Online: the message there is no actress or celebrity is worth her salt until she has a family. Are these really the lessons we want to teach society: that you are nothing until you are a mother? Guess what: Mother Teresa was never a mother. Would you say that she didn't love in the only way a mother possibly could? I doubt it. Yet she made more of an impact than most mothers ever will. Is she to be marginalized for choosing not to have children, too? Or maybe, just maybe, we can expand our definition of love and care and realize they are not limited to mothering.
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit behind... Just saw this linked from your other post (not sure how I missed this one in my reader, but oh well...)
ReplyDeleteTo everyone with negative thoughts, I'd say we are all entitled to our own opinions, whether you agree or not.
To me, "Mother's Day" is just another day. I'm glad folks want to single out a day to celebrate; woo hoo. But being a mother, just like being a good person, is something you do everyday. To take one day and say "Hey, today you are honored (but tomorrow, basically things go back to normal)" seems a bit off settling for me. My mom always said "love me and honor me every day; I'd rather that than have flowers and breakfast one day out of the year." I tend to do that. Yes, I send cards and a small gift to my mom/mil/grandma, and, when everyone wants to, I'll organize dinner, etc., but I prefer to just enjoy another day with my family. It's too bittersweet of a day to have the focus on that. I am infertile, a mother to dead children, a mother to living children, and a mother waiting for a child to be born. And yet, still, I don't feel like I truly 'fit' in to the motif that is organized and shouted out. And that's okay. I'd prefer to just live my day and keep going.
Sending hugs, Jo... it's tough.
I read all the posts and can relate to most of them. After a long battle with infertility I can understand the harsh feelings that come with a day that idolizes something most infertile's dream about. However, after successfully having a child I will tell you that for me Mother's Day is a day of gratitude that I am privileged enough to be mother. I don't need thanks I give thanks.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. I think for people to cast stones at you for being bitter and judgemental is too harsh - everyone is entitled to their opinion, and it's clearly a very hard day for some people to have to live through.
ReplyDeleteI have never struggled with infertility, but when my first and only child died quite suddenly at 3 days old, I was introduced to a world that didn't make sense anymore. Things weren't as I'd always believed them to be. Holidays weren't always happy occasions. People struggle for a range of reasons.
I don't like Mother's Day because while I am a mother, I don't get to parent my son. It is just a very visual and constant reminder of everything that I am missing out on. It doesn't mean that I appreciate people who are mothers any less, but it definitely doesn't do my emotional state any favours.
Lisa <3
www.thestarsapart.com
LOVE IT
ReplyDelete