Our Birth Story

*Warning: Gratuitous baby pics at the end.  Proceed at your own risk. 

Everyone's got one, and I'll be honest: I usually skip these kinds of posts.  I mean, there are always variances, but the end result is always the same: a baby.  Still, I want to record our story while it's still fresh in my mind -- even now, details are beginning to blur and become hazy. Which, if you decide to read this, you will see is probably a very, very good thing.

Today, my miracle baby is one week old.  We went to the hospital on Thursday the 13th to be induced.  I wasn't dilated at all, so the first course of action was to start me on Cytotec to thin my cervix.  Because of the severe pain caused by my cervical checks, the doctor also recommended that I go ahead and get my epidural placed early on (before the day got too busy).  I remember asking if it would wear off, and I was assured that it didn't work that way.  I was to be given a continuous drip, and the most that I would feel would be a heavy pressure as baby was about to be born.

They wouldn't let Mo be in the room as they placed the epi, and it hurt quite a bit.  It caused pain in my shoulders and neck and a headache.  Before long, I was seeing spots and my vision was blurry.  My BP dropped quickly.  They decided to turn the epi off until I stabilized, which I did fairly quickly after sitting up.  We let the Cytotec work for four hours.  At my next check, I was dilated to a 3 and having regular, though not painful, contractions.   They started Pitocin and rebooted my epi.

After an hour, I expressed concerns.  The Pitocin contractions were ramping up, but my epi wasn't nearly as powerful as it had been that morning.  I felt it more on one side than the other (which happens, I'm told), but it also seemed to be taking a really long time to kick in.  The anesthesiologist explained that he had given me a lower dose because of my reaction earlier, and so it would take longer to feel the effects.

As the contractions worsened, the epi continued to drip, but without any noticeable results.  My pain intensified so much that I was unable to talk between contractions.  They gave me an extra shot of medication, which helped for a while.  They told me to press my epidural button with each contraction, that it was impossible to override the safety and accidentally overdose on the medication.  Within about 40 minutes, the shot wore off and I was again in agony.  By this point I was dilated to about a 7, the contractions were coming every two minutes and lasting about a minute each.  My parents arrived and helped Mo to distract me as the pain was intense.  We kept asking for the anesthesiologist, but he was in a c-section and unable to be reached.  I grabbed Mo's hand with each wave of pain, while my mom and my dad rubbed my legs and my shoulders to help me through each one.  After a while (time was losing it's relevance here), I began moaning and yelling uncontrollably with each contraction.  Finally, about 9 p.m., the anesthesiologist arrived.  At this point I had been in labor for 12 hours and the epidural was doing absolutely nothing to ease the pain.  He gave me an additional shot of drugs and checked the effectiveness of the epi with ice.  I was only numb in my legs and lower pelvis; my midsection wasn't numb at all.  Within 30 minutes the shot had worn off again and the contractions were stronger than ever. We repeated the process at 10 p.m.  At this point, the epidural was only working on my lower legs: from my upper thighs on up, I felt everything.  They discussed replacing the epidural, but wanted to check my cervix first.  However, the doctor was again stuck in a c-section and unavailable. By the time he arrived to check me at nearly midnight, I was fully dilated and ready to push.  The anesthesiologist made the call not to replace the epi and to give me a final shot of pain medication, warning me that I had reached my maximum dose allowed for a 24 hour period. The nurses assured me that by the time it wore off (which we knew it would), Baby Boy would be here.

I started pushing just after midnight.  The shot helped,, as I was only feeling intense pressure and a little pain.  However, baby wasn't moving down quickly.  By the time the shot wore off, he had only descended one station.  At that point, they could do nothing for the pain.  I kept pushing.  Baby became stuck behind my pelvis, where he stayed for another two hours.  I wish I could explain how very, very excruciating it was for me.  I never expected childbirth to be easy; however, I did expect to have working pain medication.  I wasn't prepared -- mentally or physically -- for a long labor in which I felt every contraction.  Things became very fuzzy, and I remember vaguely telling everyone that I wasn't up to the task.  I couldn't do it.  They insisted I could, but I knew my energy was failing.  At this point, I had labored for 15 hours and pushed for an additional 3 hours.  Baby was stuck, but too far down the birth canal for a c-section (or so they told me).  I honestly can't remember the final few moments -- I just remember telling Mo that I couldn't do it anymore, and just as I was about to give up, baby boy arrived.

Re-reading this, I can see where many of you may wonder what the big deal is.  After all, as the anesthesiologist (a man, mind you) so helpfully pointed out: women do this all the time.  And its true, they do.  However, I wasn't planning on doing this unmedicated.  I obviously utilized all the medical technology available to conceive this child, and I was very comfortable using all the medical technology available to assist in his delivery!  I have a low pain threshold as it is. I went in fairly open minded about the delivery process: I'm aware you can't "plan" a birth.  However, the one thing I was certain of was that I wanted an epidural.  I never, ever, anticipated that it might not work for me.

I hesitate to use this word, given that many women have it worse (and have much worse outcomes), but the bottom line is that I was traumatized by the entire experience.  The labor was long, and intense, and though I had a few brief respites, I felt almost all of it.  Mo keeps telling me how strong I was, how amazed he was by my determination.  But I wasn't determined, I was petrified.  And in pain.  I don't know how I managed to birth this beautiful, perfect, baby.  I, honest to god, was there -- but I still don't know how it all happened.  I look back and all I can remember is the waves of pain pulling at me, pushing my head underwater, and threatening to drown me -- meanwhile, no one around me is even attempting to throw me a life preserver.  It may sound overly dramatic, but for me, it was the hardest trial I have yet to experience.  12 years of infertility and three losses -- I have never felt pain like I did that night.

Was it worth it?  Of course.  My son is gorgeous and healthy and I couldn't ask for anything more.  Would I do it again?  No.  I don't think I can.

I've told Mo how I feel.  I will talk to my OB at some point and see what options I have if we attempt a second pregnancy -- will I be able to schedule a c-section?  Will a different epidural work differently?  Are there other medications available?  What if the same thing happens again?

But I'm not sure that I can risk it.  I know what happened to me, even if I'm unable to do it justice with the written word.  I know my body, and I know that I can't go through that again.  Even a week later I'm still having a rough recovery and feeling pain that far exceeds any pain of infertility treatments or pregnancy.  I wouldn't trade my son for anything -- but nor will I be volunteering for that ever again.

Baby Boy is perfect.

He is a dream come true.

He is enough.