Ya'll know that if you can count on me for anything, it's total honesty. Even when it's not the PC or even polite thing to say, if I feel it, I'm gonna write about it.
Pregnancy and childbirth hasn't changed that about me.
I'm gonna be honest here, because I feel like I owe it to you, and to myself.
Here's the truth: parenting is much, much harder than I ever thought it would be.
And I'm lucky. I have a supportive husband who is hands-on, a loving family who drops everything to help me. And still, I find myself overwhelmed by the demands of this tiny little human that I was so desperate to bring home.
Please don't misunderstand. I adore my son. I fully realize that this is just a phase, and a short-lived one at that. There will come a time soon when he is not nearly as dependent on me, when he doesn't need my breath in his ear and the feel of my heartbeat to lull him to sleep. There will come a time when my smell isn't enough to comfort him, when my arms aren't filled with the heavy weight of a restless newborn. And when that time comes, I am sure I will look back and miss this.
But now?
Now, I find myself more than willing (thrilled even!) to allow grandparents, friends, Mo, -- hell, even the neighbor -- time to hold him, because that means that my arms can rest, that I can get something to eat, or even attempt to sleep. I look forward to Mo's shift, or Momma MoJo coming over, so that I can actually DO something that doesn't involve changing diapers, rocking babies, feeding, pumping, or even just holding B.B. While I enjoy each of these tasks for a time, the sheer monotony of them all in succession (over and over and over again) is exhausting.
And so it follows that I am consumed with guilt. I wanted this -- desperately. I begged and railed against the universe for denying this to me for so long. I pursued parenthood with every fiber in my being. I "should" be enjoying the fruits of my labor, shouldn't I? Each time I put him down, I feel a messy flood of both relief and remorse, and I blame myself for not liking this stage more. I can see myself as an infertile, hating me for saying these things. I have to constantly remind myself: This. Is. What. I. Wanted.
And it is. It's exactly what I wanted, and I do know how lucky I am to be here. And yet, like pregnancy, it's not without its challenges. Challenges that, perhaps, I was naively unprepared for. I honestly had no idea how painful birth would be, let alone the weeks of recovery afterwards. I had no idea how deliriously exhausted I would be after 32 hours of no sleep, followed by patchy, sweat-soaked, broken 2-hour stretches of half-sleep. I didn't realize that I'd nod off on the couch, B.B. in my arms, then awake with a startle, terrified I'd dropped or smothered him. I didn't realize I'd cry so often, or feel so inadequate.
I didn't realize it would be so damn hard.
Baby Boy is my most precious, longed-for, anticipated, and cherished son. So why am I so conflicted over caring for him? Why do I selfishly find myself wishing he'd stay asleep for just five more minutes? Part of me wonders if I really am cut out for this. That maybe, the universe knew something I didn't. Maybe I am, ultimately, too selfish to be a good mother.
Or maybe, just maybe, parenting a newborn is hard work, and I should just cut myself a little slack.
I will, after all, eventually sleep again.
Someday.
Right?!?
Sunday, March 30, 2014
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Oh, honey. One of my friends told me when my first was that age: "well, I could tell you it gets better, but that isn't much help". It is hard those first few months. Don't try to deny it. But it does get a lot easier later
ReplyDeleteIt really is the fourth trimester. Your body is still responsible for the babies growth (if you're breastfeeding) and you're still needed 24/7. But unlike pregnancy, where your body took care of those needs internally while you took care of yourself externally, everything is external and that much more difficult.
ReplyDeleteMy newborn twins made me miserable. Hated every minute of it. I felt so guilty, a traitor to the infertile and miscarriage community because I got exactly what every member of those communities was turning themselves inside out to get and absolutely I hated it.
It's ok. Just like the being pregnant phase, newborns are just something you have to tolerate to get kids. He'll spend much more of his life on earth as a kid than he will a baby so don't feel bad about hating the baby stage. It sucks. Not all of us who dream of parenting enjoy babies.
12 weeks and 12lbs. When he hits both of those milestones, something will click and it will change for the better. Longer stretches of sleep will bring your sanity back. Then at about 6 months, something more clicks, sleeping through the night, and you actually have time to do things that you don't HAVE to do (like watch a TV show because you don't have to rush to sleep in those few precious moments of peace).
"Or maybe, just maybe, parenting a newborn is hard work, and I should just cut myself a little slack."
ReplyDeleteYes, this.
I sometimes think that in the long and frustrating journey to hold our babies in our arms we idealise what it will actually be like and then blame ourselves for not measuring up to our own fantasies. You are both learning on the job. Be kind to yourself.
You're feeling this way because you are sleep deprived and your hormones are running amok. It's a simple as that. The way you feel right now has NOTHING, NOTHING to do with how hard this feels. Actually it may, it may be making it feel harder because you have the added pressure of your own expectation and guilt. (Infertility survivors have a higher rate of PPD, maybe for those very reasons). Please don't feel guilty. What you are feeling right now is biological. And it's COMPLETELY NORMAL. And it doesn't mean anything about how much you did or did not want this or how much you do or do not appreciate it. You love your son, more than words. That is clear. Please be gentle with yourself about the rest. It's so, so hard. It really is. And you're doing great. And it will get better.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honesty.
Sorry, this sentence should read:
DeleteIt's a simple as that. The way you feel right now has NOTHING, NOTHING to do with how hard you fought for this.
I agree with all of the above commenters. Parenting a newborn is hard, hard work and when you're in it, you feel like it will never end! Don't feel guilty for a second, of course you are grateful for your little one and it's just the reality of parenthood, infertility or not. It will get much, much easier, trust me!
ReplyDeleteOMG this is so normal. And hearing that won't help you deal with ALL THE GUILT, right? :-) But try to let go of a little bit of the guilt, ok? You're good.
ReplyDeleteOh and this probably won't make you feel better, but it's the truth: The reason you "miss" this time is because it is simple. Within a week or two you know how to read every cue and you know what to expect. When their needs get more complex, you long for days when it was eat, sleep, poop. You do NOT miss the lack of sleep. You just kind of "forget" about that part.
But here's the good news: The rewards get exponentially bigger as time goes on. The moment you get that first smile, the eye contact, the feedback - everything feels a heckuva lot more manageable.
I think this is such a great post about the reality of being a new parent, and how IF messes with our heads about that experience. It somehow feels like we should be enjoying this GRUELING time of sleeplessness and hard work. Our minds keep telling us "you've waited so long, worked so hard for this, shouldn't it be more fun?" But no. It's hard. It has wonderful moments, but it's mostly hard. I hope you can find a way to be ok with that.
ReplyDeleteWhich is why I want to slap every infertile person who says that being infertile will make them a more patient and better prepared parent. Nothing can prepare you for parenthood except parenthood, just like nothing can prepare someone for the pain of infertility and loss.
ReplyDeleteThe first three months of parenting twins was so downright awful that it took having my daughter to enjoy parenting a baby. I literally remember almost nothing about the first six weeks.
Sleep deprivation will make you a mess and dry up your milk supply. What worked for us was working in shifts. I slept from 10-2, and my husband from 2-6. We both handled the 2 am feeding, like the changing of the guard. This guaranteed that we would get 4 hours sleep minimum, which worked wonders. Still, if you find that you are still wracked with guilt or anxious after a few weeks, I strongly suggest Zoloft. It is safe for breastfeeding and it helped.... immensely.
Parenting a newborn is really, really hard. Take advantage of all the help you can get. Right now, BB is all take, take, take, and he's not giving much back, but that will change. It will get better. (And I say this as much for me as for you, because I know I'm going to need to remember this, too, in a matter of a few days!)
ReplyDeleteI"ve been following your story for a few years, and I am so happy you have your baby! but after reading this I can't help but suggest you may have to slightest bit of PPD. Talk to your OB before your feelings get any worse. Caring for a newborn is the hardest thing in the world, so don't feel like you are alone in the way you feel.
ReplyDeletethanks for your refreshing honesty! i'm sure many post-IF mamas feel the exact same way. i tell people that i don't want the fantasy of parenthood; i want all of the difficulties and struggles that go along with the good stuff. but this is coming from a woman who got 9 hours of sleep last night--i really don't know how it feels to be so demanded upon. warm wishes as you navigate your way through this new phase.
ReplyDelete~theunexpectedtrip
I once heard someone suggest that "baby blues" is way too cute of a name for that after birth low that is a natural result of hormones, sleep deprivation and an entire identity change (after all, in a matter of hours, you went from you, just you, to MOM, it's an huge added identity.) It should really be called "This F*#&ing SUCKS!" I got home from the hospital and heaved tears and snot and all of it, cried off an on for at least a week? Maybe two? It was HARD!! I wanted my baby just to NEED SOMEONE ELSE! I'm not sure comraderie helps, but there is so much out there that tells women they shoudl LOVE the newborn stage!! They are so precious!! Relish your new role of mother!!! I think it's important to say it's not like that for everyone. Sometimes it's PPD (I believe if it lasts more than 4-6 weeks, that's the threshold for when it might be concerning, but check with your doctor if your at all concerned) but sometimes it's just NORMAL, everyday baby blues-a really gentle name for some pretty intense feelings.
ReplyDeletePeople can tell you that parenting is difficult, but until you're in the middle of it, you can't really fathom it. I mean, yes, you can understand that it's going to be hard but... there is a reason why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. Or I think few realize what it means for a task to be without end. That you are responsible for another human being for at least 18 years. And really, beyond that too. This isn't to scare you, but to acknowledge that until you're in the throes of it, it is very difficult to wrap your mind around what parenting is really like. Those first months are a killer. Those first few years are sort of a killer too. The problems grow bigger with age, but so do the rewards. Plus, when you're dealing with the problems of parenting later, you're doing so on a little sleep :-) So you can function and think better.
ReplyDeleteIt will get easier. Not soon, unfortunately, but you will first find your groove and adjust to the lack of sleep. And then it will get easier. And we're all here if you need to vent.
ABSOLUTELY cut yourself some slack. You are in the throws of what it some of the most difficult days of a mother's life. However, you are made for this. You may feel miserable (and yes it is okay to feel that way) but you are made to be a mom. You've got this. Hang in there with those few fibers you have left and let everyone help as much as they want to. You have the rest of his life to "enjoy" him. There is no crime in not loving this stage. Truth be told. I despise potty training almost as much as the newborn stage. There will be stages all along the way. You and baby boy will get through it.
ReplyDeleteI hated the newborn days, THERE I said it. I would give my kid to ANYONE who was willing to hold him So much different than what I thought it was going to be. No need to feel guilt mama, some people love the newborn days, others hate them. I LOVE my kid as a toddler now, he's so much more independent and he's COOL, I dread the thought of ever having to do newborn days ever again, but some people have babies over and over again just to get to do newborns again. So, to each his own, don't feel guilty about it, you're not alone!
ReplyDeleteYou fought to become a parent. Now that you are, you are entitled to the same woes, wails and joys the same as any fertile. Sleep deprivation is the same hell no matter how badly you wanted a child. And here is this...I adopted my children as newborns so I didn't have the physical birth to recover from and I distinctly remember saying to myself "what have I gotten myself into?!" on my daughter's first night home and she was an easy peasy baby. As joyful as it was, it was way harder than I could have fathomed so do not beat yourself up.
ReplyDeleteTotally.
ReplyDeleteI adjusted my language. I made it important to appreciate every moment. Not enjoy every moment. Enjoying was impossible.
Don't cut yourself a little slack, cut yourself a LOT of slack. The first few months in particular are all about survival mode, for all of you. But it WILL get better. As the months pass, they get bigger and start to do things (really look at you, smile, giggle, pull the cord on the bouncy seat to make it play music), and it starts to become much more fun.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, you will get to sleep again at some point. :-) In the meantime, try to follow the clichéd advice of napping when he naps. Let go of the idea of cleaning the house, doing the dishes (paper plates and disposable silverware are your friend), etc. - you can catch up on all of that later. For now, you need sleep whenever you can get it.
Hang in there. Everything you are feeling is totally normal.
It's a weird thing. My daughter is almost 2 and I LOVE LOVE being her mom. And spending time with her. And all that jazz. BUT, the moment she goes to sleep is one of the best parts of my day!! Cut yourself a LOT of slack. This parenting shit is tough! ~Denise~
ReplyDeleteI could have written this a few months ago. Newborns are hard! And the hormones and sleep deprivation? What you are feeling is totally normal, but as infertiles we feel guilty for feeling this way. How can we be so ungrateful after wanting it for so long? It will pass. You will get more sleep and baby boy will start to give back. The turning point for me was when my girls smiled at me and looked at me. Newborns don't give you anything and it's so hard. Honestly, I can barely remember the first 3 months. It's all a blur. Now at 6 months they are these little people and it's amazing to watch them. It's still exhausting and they always need you but it's a 2 way relationship now. Hang in there! It will get better.
ReplyDeleteI hear you loud and clear! I know you've got lots of people sharing with you, but I want you to know... it DOES get SO much better! And what you feel now won't take away from the good feelings you have later on.
ReplyDeleteI remember my doctor (who was awesome) sitting me down and giving me a talking to. She said that since I was pregnant with twins after being infertile, I was at higher risk for post-partum depression. She told me that there were going to be good days and bad days once I became a parent. Some days I'd feel like throwing them out the window and some days my heart would burst with love. And ALL OF THAT IS NORMAL! She told me that the hardest thing that infertiles deal with is the feeling of guilt if they feel anything bad after having a baby. But she told me to remember that I was simply a normal mom. Infertility doesn't change the fact that there are good and bad days in parenting. And that's okay.
It helped me so much to hear this and keep my expectations realistic in those early days. Now my twins are 5 months, and I love it so much! I actually don't look back at those early days with fond feelings (yet), but almost with feelings of fear and trauma. It was so tough. But I made it through. And you will too. Hang in there sister! You're not alone. (Please feel free to email too, if you'd like to chat more).
I haven't been in your shoes yet, but I think it's totally normal to feel conflicted as you do. I'm sure I will too when the time comes. Be gentle with yourself and just do what you can. These days will pass.
ReplyDeleteJust because this is what you wanted and wanted for so long, doesn't mean you can't admit that struggling to adapt to your new role as a Mum is bloody hard!
ReplyDeleteYou're responsible for this tiny little human being, YOU! Of course it's going to be hard, especially when you throw in no sleep. Stop being so hard on yourself honey - as someone who has been on this journey for a little bit longer than you and still has empty arms, I don't think ANY less of your for this post. I don't think you're being ungrateful or whinging/complaining. You know what I think you're doing? I think you're taking time to adjust to your new role of parent and that's perfectly fine.
Type it out. Let it out. No one will think less of you for it or judge you and if they do, tell them to go and do one.
It's just been you and Mo for how long now? I had this conversation with Guv just the other night - we've been together for 15 years this year and I said to him - "how do you think we'd adapt to having a baby now" and we both admitted that we'd struggle because it's just been us two for so long. So you have to factor that into the mix as well - your whole life has been turned upside down.
Give yourself a break, you're doing great xo
Mommy! Congratulations! Jo, I am so so happy for you!
ReplyDeleteOk, Jo, that was my first comment after reading your blog and seeing you had a baby. You're right though, it's incredibly difficult but also so amazing at the same time. You'll figure it out and it will get easier. I promise.
ReplyDeleteI have never been responsible to care for an infant, but when I've had just 2-4 hours of sleep in a night, I am the undead. I don't believe I've ever done it two nights in a row. I might not survive. How any of us made it through infancy without being drowned (particularly those of us with unstable parents) is a total mystery to me. As far as I am concerned, without any other factors even being relevant, the sleep deprivation would make this stage hell. And I hear it's not safe to sedate them.
ReplyDeleteSo, yeah, no sane person thinks you should be all giddy (unless there are actually drugs involved) and doe-eyed. Do what you need to do to survive (and not drown anyone else), and worry about your attitude when your basic needs are again being met.
This is completely, totally normal. There is no way to understand what parenting is really like, the first few months can be absolutely brutal. It is a HUGE and SUDDEN life adjustment, so of course it's stressful for many (most) new parents. Just because you struggled with infertility doesn't mean you are, or should be, magically immune to the effects of sleep deprivation, hormonal shifts, relationship changes and life upheavals. Hold on, take all the help you can get, let go of the housekeeping and other jobs for a while, and realise that it does get better. While the days feel slow, the weeks go fast and soon this phase will be a distant memory... you may even feel a strange kind of nostalgia for it.
ReplyDeleteI'd also just like to add in, because I don't want to minimise your feelings if you actually need help, that while all these feelings can be normal, if you feel you need it, or are having any scary or strange thoughts, please don't be scared to see your doctor for a PPD or PPA assessment.
I am echoing all the sentiments above... totally hard, totally normal, and nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel. And of course, do check in with your provider if weeks have gone by and you still feel bad. Your hormones take a beating after childbirth. Nothing can prepare you for it.
ReplyDeleteI had my first son 10 years ago and remember feeling exactly the same way. And because he was my first, I was horrified that I didn't *like* being a mom to a newborn. It's hard to be responsible for someone else! But it gets easier, believe me. Your mommy instincts kick in. You get more sleep. You find a new routine and it becomes familiar. It all falls into place at some point. Getting there is the hard part!
I am now in the throngs of infanthood, as my second son just turned six months old. My rainbow baby. My third baby, but second living child. And I had all the same feelings, regardless of the fact that I've already done this before and knew what to expect. But time flies by faster. His smiles are worth going through all of it. Can't wait for you to get there! Please take care of you. You deserve it. :-)
First - CONGRATULATIONS!! I've been MIA from the blogosphere for awhile now and am over the moon that you brought home a tiny, perfect, darling son. I wish I were there to give you a giant squeeze!
ReplyDeleteThen I would give you a giant squeeze of reassurance to tell you what you are feeling is totally normal. Or at least exactly how I felt ;-)
My DS is for now (OMG!!) and I still have those moments - I can flip from beaming pride/over flowing with love to tearing my hair out with lightening speed. When he was an infant I would joke that my favorite part of the day was when he woke in the morning - all smiles and so happy to see me. My second favorite part of the day was bedtime. Even four years later, bedtime still ranks pretty high on that list.
Definitely cut yourself some slack. A LOT of slack.
Much love to you, sister!!