Hormones or not, I'm simultaneously wiping tears from my eyes and giggling like a madwoman reading (and re-reading) your comments. So much love and support and REALNESS. I am so damn lucky to have you all in my corner.
I am still struggling a little as we approach six weeks. I'm healing physically, but the sleep deprivation is wreaking havoc with my moods. I'm extremely fatigued despite frequent daily naps. Mo has been a champ, taking BB every chance he can and insisting I get some sleep. He has come through for me in ways I never imagined. And yet, I still feel never feel really and truly happy, despite the fact I've got everything I ever wanted.
I finally called my OB and made an appointment to discuss the possibility of PPD. There's a history of it in my family, and I myself took meds for depression in my twenties (though I always stopped my medication when doing IVF). I know the lack of sleep is a major factor in it right now, too. Still, Mo seems to be doing so much better at this parenting gig than I am. I am scared to tell him how I really feel, afraid he will judge me or think I'm ungrateful. The truth is I still feel (distant? detached?) as though BB isn't truly mine. I haven't bonded with him the way I want to. I'm taking care of him, meeting his needs, but I'm not enjoying it. I know our interactions suffer because of it. Most of the day I long to put him down, holding him only out of obligation and/or necessity. I feel awful writing that, but brute honesty is what you've come here for, isn't it? I watch Mo sing and laugh and play with BB and I want that, too. I want to ENJOY, not simply tolerate, my baby. And so to the doc we go, to see if there is anything she can do.
The other main issue we're having is feeding related. BB has an upper lip and a tongue tie that have prevented successful breastfeeding, and so I've been exclusively pumping for the past month. To say it sucks would be an understatement. I've dropped to four pumps per day (from six, though most women who EP do eight), and still struggle with the amount of time I'm hooked up to a machine. It's difficult to juggle pumping with feeding and entertaining BB (who always seems to need me in the middle of it).
I've also had issues with engorgement and painful recurrent plugged ducts that make every movement agony. I want to quit, to switch to formula, but Mo feels strongly that breastmilk is best for BB. And so I'm (once again) conflicted. How do I balance my desire to include Mo as an equal voice in parenting decisions with my desire to have my breasts/body back, which I know will help my bonding and sleep issues? How do we compromise on an issue like this, where it's really one thing or another? (I've tried dropping pumps and stretching out the time in between them, but that just makes the engorgement/plugged duct situation worse.)
So there you are. Six weeks after I finally got what I've always wanted, and I'm still not happy. I am, however, actively seeking help, so maybe my next update will be a bit cheerier. Please tell me I'm not alone - did any of you struggle to bond with your newborn or face (seemingly insurmountable) feeding problems?
I can absolutely relate on the feeding problems. I am in the midst of ending a six month relationship with my pump. I had thrush the entire time. I was also hospitalized with mastitis that turned into sepsis. It was bad. My breasts hurt the whole six months. Badly. And always. It was just a really negative situation. So no, you're not alone in that; and I'm so sorry you're dealing with it all. I'm glad your talking to your doc. If (s)he doesn't take you seriously find someone who will.
ReplyDeleteAbiding with you.
I've yet to meet a new mother that hasn't struggled with these issues in some respect.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're talking with your OB and seeking help. It's a hard first step, but such an important one. Not for one second should you feel embarrassed or quilty.
On the pumping front: I would enlist your doctor for help with this one. I completely understand where Mo is coming from (I have a similar mentality), but driving yourself crazy just to provide breastmilk isn't helping anyone. I know that once She-Beats tie was resolved breastfeeding got a lot easier, but I also wasn't dealing with blocked ducts. So talk with your doctor. Than have an informed conversation with Mo. Remind him that you are already doing what is best for BB and that means takin good care if yourself.
I had horrible breastfeeding issues for 12 weeks and then things finally got better. I am actually still nursing my LO who just turned 2 two days ago, and I basically 'quit' every day for the first 3 months! If your son has a lip tie and tongue tie, it's so important to get those handled. I know a handful of moms who've had their children get the procedure done and that turned breastfeeding around completely for them. Happy to link you to one for questions if you are interested. And I'm so glad you are talking to your Dr about PPD. You deserve to feel happy at this time in your life (tired, overwhelmed, confused - but happy), and hopefully your Doc can help you get to that point. I think women who get pregnant after infertility can have a really rough go at new motherhood, because we had all this time to romanticize it. And hope for it. And envision how it was going to be. And of course, it's not anything like that!! Also, once you start getting some sleep, everything will feel better too. Hang in there, we all have your back!! ~Denise~
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone! Bonding looks different for everyone and will come in its time in the way that fits you best. Six weeks is still so eay into the rest of your life as "mom." I felt like the first twelve weeks were just survival, feeding, burping and sleeping, and it took longer to heal emotionally than it did physically. Glad you can let it out and vent. That is good to do.
ReplyDelete(How is it that you posted this on April 17 and it just popped up in my bloglovin feed today?)
ReplyDeleteI really think that exclusively pumping interferes with your hormones and with bonding, big time. When I realized that that would be my "breastfeeding relationship" with my sons, should I choose to continue, it was a factor in my decision not to continue and to switch to all formula. (I wrote in detail about that decision, and my feelings about it, at the time, back in early 2012.)
IMO, the benefits of breastfeeding aren't enough to put yourself through all that plus the sleep deprivation. But there are those who would disagree, and that's not my call to make.
I think you are smart to check out the PPD angle, and I wish you the best. You are certainly not alone in feeling this way. I have had several close friends who have candidly shared that it took them months to feel a real bond with their babies. . . even fertile friends.
Feedly just picked up too. Hmmmmm.
DeleteI'm so glad you are checking in with your OB about PPD. If you aren't feeling like yourself and you suspect something is wrong that's exactly the reason to investigate further. I will also say that what you are experiencing is so very normal. I had a hard time connecting with my girl. I still felt a great need to protect her life, but I didn't feel "bonded" I STILL don't understand why some people love the infant period so much. All they do is NEED!!! I know someone who says she doesn't really bond with her children until they are sitting up. I'm fairly sure there was no magic moment for me, it all happened very gradually as my daughter began to grow into her personality.
ReplyDeleteAaaand pumping. IT SUCKS. I only did it at work and it was horrible. I would have happily burned the machine if we weren't thinking of having another. I was willing to make myself a little crazy because exclusive breastfeeding was that important to me. BUT, if you don't want to go there, don;t. It will only hurt your relationship with your family all around.
I do think though that many people largely ignore the continum of breastfeeding options. There are a lot of options between exclusive breastmilk and all formula. Talk to experts, lactation consultants, pediatricians, you could investigate having BB's lip and tongue tie fixed. But don't stop until you find something that works for your whole family.
Hang in there. I think alot of women have similar feelings. I did with my second child which was hard won. I felt disconnected which I did not experience with my first. I am not sure how it resolved but it did. It took time and patience.
ReplyDeleteRegarding the tongue tied- If he really is tongue tied GET IT FIXed you will be so much happier. Babies empty breasts way better than pumping. Call your pediatrician.
I don't really have any advice on the PPD, but remember nothing will be the same in a few weeks/months. That pretty much happens all through out parenting. There are lots of hard times, but they pass. That said, good for you for getting help.
Hang in there, I am sure you are doing a good job even if you don't feel like it. ~N
Six weeks is still really early on in the breastfeeding relationship, believe it or not. Just when I was ready to throw in the towel I turned a corner. The babies didn't take forever to get a good latch, they finally stayed awake while eating long enough to get a solid feeding in, and it was no longer torture. I kept a notebook to keep track of feedings and diaper changes, and if I remember it right, it was at about the 8 week mark. Pumping is evil, it never allows for you or the baby to get a rhythm going and it just throws a wrench into everything. The first weeks of breastfeeding was the hardest and most frustrating time of my life. I suggest seeing if you can fix the tongue issue, ditch the pump, spend some time speaking with a lactation consultant... and if you still can't turn that corner, call it good and save your sanity.
ReplyDeleteI found it hard to feel like my twins were mine. I had worked in daycare with infants, and I couldn't shake the feeling like I was taking care of someone else's babies. I would say that it took more than a couple of months before I felt the gushy love. To be honest, I was so afraid of losing them all throughout my pregnancy that getting attached to them took letting go of a lot of anxiety. Zoloft helped, but mostly it took time.
I am hooked up to a friggin machine as I type this. It sucks, and I've only been doing it for a little over a week. Baby girl also had lip and tongue ties. We just had her tongue clipped today, but my nipples are still so raw from our early attempts that I haven't put her anywhere near my boobs yet and won't until they've healed.
ReplyDeleteAs for ppd, it sounds like you know yourself well enough to know when something's off, and I think it's a really good idea to discuss it with your doctor. You deserve to feel happy and bonded with your little guy. (Although I'm definitely feeling the effects of sleep deprivation and survival mode, too.)
So sorry you are going through all of this!! My SIL had some of the same exact issues you are facing. For her wearing her newborn really helped. She would wear them in a moby wrap topless so they were skin to skin. She said it really helped. I really think PPD is to blame for what you are feeling. Women who have worked as hard as you have should never have to experience PPD. It's just not fair! On the feeding issue we were anti formula because we felt like it wasn't the BEST option, but our daughter is adopted and breastfeeding was too much for me on top of the drama of adoption. (Inducing lactation is not easy.) So we had a friend donate BM for a while but then we switched Little Miss to a homemade formula. I can send you the link to the recipe if you would like it. Some people think we're crazy, but it is seriously the best stuff ever! She has thrived on it. I am so grateful I found it. She is 17 months and still on it. Best of luck to you. I really think some good meds could help a lot!
ReplyDeleteHonestly, while I would do anything for my babies, I didn't feel a huge personal connection to either of mine as infants. I think it's one of those taboo things, everyone talks about the overwhelming rush of love, but not everyone gets that. I feel like the "love" I felt for them as newborns was kind of... Biological? Just like hormonally driven instincts to protect. I feel like I fell in love with them as they got older and were able to interact, I would say my love grew slowly over the first year, and I am head over heels now (my boys are 2 and 4).
ReplyDeleteI do have a couple of suggestions. One would be to get his ties fixed, breastfeeding is still difficult, but easier than pumping. Another would be to spend time lazing around doing skin to skin while he sleeps, it's great for your hormones and for him too. And one more thing, seeing as he's taking bottles, have you tried leaving him with someone you trust and taking a 30 minute time out of the house? Just brisk walk in the fresh air away from your responsibilities can do a world of good. Depends how you are feeling physically of course.
Hope everything goes well, I'm glad you're seeing your doctor. I feel like it never hurts to get checked out.
Oh! One more thing. Have you looked in to mothers groups? I found them to be a real lifeline, it can be great to chat with other people going through the same things as you. I don't know where you are, but often there are ones specifically for parents who feel overwhelmed or are having ppd symptoms.
I stopped reading blogs forever ago at the request of Prawn, because I just couldn't handle it emotionally any more. But I heard that you had a baby and I had to come say congratulations!
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to tell you that I felt the same way about Tatoe. The first few months are FUCKING HARD! All I wanted until he was like 3 months old was for someone to come over and say, "I got this. You go take a nice, long nap with your husband." I would so totally do that for you if we weren't hundreds of miles apart!
You went through hell to get here, and if you were anything like I was, you didn't really believe that you were going home with a Real Live Baby until you were driving away with him. Most people get months to think about bringing home a newborn. You've been through so much that you had no choice but to protect yourself emotionally through your pregnancy. You had only a few days to adjust to the idea.
Add to that that having a newborn, not to mention a newborn with feeding problems, is hard in itself. Tatoe had reflux and when he breastfed at the angle we could get him to latch at, he would projectile vomit. Feeding was a mess of breastfeed, clean up vomit, feed pumped milk, mix and top him off with formula, get him to sleep, pump, wash the bottles and pump... and then he was awake and hungry again. I called the NICU nurse who was also my lactation consultant sobbing about how hard it was. I'll never forget what she said: "Honey, you have tried so hard. He got those first few weeks of breastmilk, and that was very important for him. But now what is more important for him is for his mama to be able to relax and bond with him. It's time for formula, and that is 100% okay." I stopped pumping at 4 weeks and it made a huge difference. Being able to sleep, to put the damn milking machine down and just snuggle my boy, was a breakthrough. It got so much easier after that.
We had a tongue tied baby. We had him clipped. He was still never able to latch and I spent the full first year pumping. Here is what I learned. Definitely do the clipping, it will either help now with feeding or later with eating and speech. I am a Speech Pathologist so I highly recommend it sooner rather than later. As for the pumping. I despised it and dealt with recurrent mastitis, engorgement, and duct issues until I changed pumps. I had the fancy Medela that I think everyone in the world has. Despite the hefty price tag it just didn't empty me and pumping took at least 30-45 mins. PURE MISERY!. I ended up renting a hospital grade Ameda from my local birthing center. It was $40 per month and the best money I have ever spent. They are virtually silent, so much more gentle, and that thing could completely empty me in 10-15 minutes. IT WAS AMAZING. Once I wasn't spending my entire life attached to that miserable Medela exclusively pumping became much more manageable. Hugs to you. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI had various issues with breastfeeding from the beginning and they got a lot better once I finally saw a lactation consultant and figured out that my daughter had a lip tie. We had it lasered by a dentist which was the best decision. The procedure took two minutes, my daughter cried for only two minutes more, then she nursed. It doesn't automatically get better because they have to "re-learn" how to breastfeed but it really made a huge difference.
ReplyDeletePumping sucks. There is no other way to say it. If you do continue, and that is a decision that you and Mo need to make together while also thinking of your sanity/mental health/etc., pumping and/or breastfeeding does get better. When I pumped it always seemed like my daughter needed me, but now at almost 5 months old she has been entertaining herself in a vibrating chair while I pump.
Finally, it sounds like a good idea to see a dr about the possible PPD. I don't have any advice regarding that though. Good luck!