As A Matter of Faith: What If I'm Wrong?

I've always believed in God. It's a ridiculously silly story, the beginning of this belief, that goes back to when I was about seven years old and, in trouble, made some hasty promises that for some reason have stuck with me for over twenty years. I've been furious with Him, ambivalent, at times even joyous -- but I've always felt that He was there. Even when we stopped communicating, it was more of an "I'm mad at you, so I'm not speaking to you" kind of thing.

Lately, the chorus in my head is simple. What if I'm wrong?

What if there is no master plan? What if all this crap is entirely of my own making? What if "the hand of God" is nowhere present? What if the end result that I'm so desperately seeking is not promised?

What if I am wrong?

* * * *

I've been talking to my pastor these past few months about the Issue that recently reared it's ugly head again. (And for those of you just tuning in, it's not an abusive or demeaning situation, so you can relax -- I am fine, really!). Actually, I've been talking to my pastor's son (who is a pastor,too, but barely older than me, so sometimes it's, well, just different). Anyway, he told me this past weekend that he believes that it is the hand of God that has prevented Mo and I from conceiving up until now. Perhaps he is right; perhaps that is the last thing on earth that we need right now. But there's a tiny part of me that wants to believe otherwise. There's a part of me (however misguided or self-serving it may be) that believes that a child can bring healing, not to a marriage, but to an individual. And I think that would be the case where Mo is concerned. Parenthood changes people: even the commerical media will attest to that. I honestly believe that the opportunity to be a father will be life-changing (in all the very best ways) for my husband.

But. . . what if I'm wrong?

* * * *

There are several people IRL who know exactly what is going on. My pastor and his family, my mother. There are other friends and family who know the Issue exists, but not to what extent or that it is currently a factor in our lives. Most of them would probably agree -- postponing IVF is probably a smart decision right now. Waiting until the Issue is resolved would be best for all of us. And I can see the logic, the reasoning behind this.

But I am so very sick of waiting. We've put off treatments before. We've taken more "breaks" in this process than many of you have taken treatment cycles. We've gotten on and off the ART train multiple times in the last seven years. And in the back of my head, the clock is ticking. I don't know why -- I know LOGICALLY that I am just 28 (or will be in a few short days), that time is on my side fertility-wise. I've even been assured by several people that I have all the time in the world.

And yet I can't help but wonder. . .what if they're wrong?