*Please be forewarned, this is a very lengthy post. If you've not got time, come back later. My feelings won't be hurt, I promise!
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I knew it was coming.
Mo's college friend, a fellow "Good Guy" who does "Bad Things" (i.e. staying out way too late to do anyone any good) was coming into town. He was bringing his girlfriend, and her daughter. They were to stay with us over the 4th, enjoying BBQ's and good times.
I know about his propensity for spending time in bars, so before he even arrived I asked Mo, "Are you going out?" I wanted to prepare myself for whatever the evening had in store.
"No," he assured me. "I'm not going to put all that on you." Meaning, of course, leaving me at home to entertain the girlfriend and daughter while he and his friend acted like single college guys out on the town.
Stupid, stupid me -- I actually believed him.
As I am writing this post at 1:30 in the morning, you can clearly guess how this situation turned out.
What pisses me off the most is that he had the nerve to call me into the bedroom to "talk" before he left. Like what was the fucking point? (I'm sorry, I don't usually swear, but I am, well, pissed). I told him that, too. Why ask my permission? We both knew it wouldn't matter what I said -- if I was mad or not -- he was going to do what he wanted to do. He swore he'd be home early. As they didn't leave until after 1, I doubt that.
I didn't hold back. I told him how stupid I felt for believing his promises. I told him how this was just another example of him choosing his friends over me. I told him that I was foolish for believing him, over and over again, thinking that one of these days he would GROW UP.
He said something very revealing then.
"I thought being grown up was taking care of your bills and stuff."
Huh.
"You don't take care of ME, " I replied.
"Oh, I don't?"
"No. You pay your half of the bills, but as far as my NEEDS go, you don't take care of those."
He tried to turn it around on me then, as I knew he would. Our little argument is a perfect excuse for him to feel justified in going out and staying out as long as he feels like it. "Fuck this," he said. And off he and Friend went. (It should be noted that Friend couldn't look me in the eye on the way out -- he knows he is the driving force behind it this time, and knew I was not happy about it).
This feels like a breaking point for me. It may seem stupid, and I know Mo will play it off as a minor thing. But to me, it's not even about being a good host and doing what your guest wants to do. It's about Mo's continuous choices to do whatever the hell he wants and his expectations that I will still be here when he gets back.
I have five days until I go home for two weeks to visit my family (including my niece). Five days until I can get enough space to think a bit more clearly, without constantly worrying about Mo and his state of mind. I'm tempted to try to find a friend I can stay with until then. The only problem is that all of "my" friends are "our" friends. If I tell them everything that is going on, Mo will be embarrassed and upset. Of course, right now I am upset, so why am I worried about how he is going to feel? He certainly isn't worried about my feelings. Plus, technically, I don't have a car right now. My car is in the shop getting the A/C worked on. It should be able to be picked up tomorrow -- but guess who is going to have to take me to go get it?
I really am at a loss as to what to do. I have choices -- I keep telling myself that. I don't HAVE to put up with this. I can find someone to take me to get my car, I can find a hotel if I need to for the next five days. Or I can play the good hostess, make sure Mo's family and friends have a good time (knowing the entire time that MY ability to have a good time has been eroded over the years to the point where it's next to impossible to relax), then leave on Monday.
But then what? What happens when I come back in two weeks? Mo has already refused to leave, as I have asked him to in the past when things got rough. The house (which is in both our names) is mortgaged only in my name. If I leave, I run the risk of losing both my credit and the house -- because how will I know if he's paying the note? I can't afford to continue to pay the mortgage AND pay for an apartment. And it doesn't seem fair that I should give up the house that I pressed so hard for us to buy, that I did all of the paperwork for, that we wouldn't even have if I hadn't pushed and pushed and pushed, insisting that this was the ONLY way we'd ever have enough money to finance our fertility treatments.
I know some of you are sitting there reading this (if you've bothered to get this far) and are thinking "What the hell is her problem? Why doesn't she just LEAVE already? My ass would have been long gone." And I get that. I really do. I just don't have the answer. Why haven't I left? Mo clearly isn't working very hard to keep me here. Sure, he makes promises and acts contrite for a few days, but then he is back to his old habits.
I need more. I need to know that he is willing to work to save this marriage. This weekend might not be the best time to tell him that, as I do feel a sort of obligation to be a good hostess to our guests (damn that Southern upbringing!) But I just don't think he truly GETS it that I am at my breaking point. Not only do I not want to live like this, I no longer think that I CAN.
I am emotional right now, I know. I always feel this way when he "ditches" me and goes out with his buddies late at night. When I'm emotional I tend to see only the bad and none of the good. But part of me wonders -- does the good outweigh the bad anymore?
When we were in therapy last fall, and I still wasn't ready to give up on our marriage, my mother told me that I wouldn't be able to walk away until I was sure I had done everything in my power to save it.
The thing is, I finally feel like I have.
Friday, July 3, 2009
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I often wondered why my mother didn't leave my father when he cheated on her. At that point they'd been married nearly 30 years. I told my mother I sure as hell wouldn't put up with it - I'd be gone. And she said to me "Honey, you can say that now because you've only been married a few years. Your father and I have a history together, a long one. I owe it to both of us to try and work this out." And she's right - it would be easy for any of us to sit here and wonder why you haven't left yet. But that's not our place, not our choice...and we can't really say what we'd do in the same situation. Oh we'd LIKE to think we'd leave in a flash, but until we're there...we can't. You and you alone can make your decisions; only you know when you've put forth all you have to save something, or know when something is worth saving.
ReplyDeleteTBH, it sounds like your post is about you trying to convince yourself of what you should do, or as if you are asking permission. IMO? Counseling just for you. Someone you can just TALK to, someone who will support you while you make your own decisions...not someone who will tell you what to do. Sometimes we know the answers, we just need to talk to someone.
I am sorry you are going through this. It must be tough. I would have to agree with Tigger. Counseling just for you can be a big help. It has gotten me thorugh some tough times in some of my family relationships. (And you cannot leave family, darn it!) Sometimes just getting it out to someone who is not in the situation can help. They can likely give you some perspective, which can be helpful.
ReplyDeleteHope things get better soon.
I think that Tigger's suggestion is an excellent one. It truly sounds to me like you know where your feelings lay and what your mind really wants to do, but it's your heart that needs convincing. I think a good way to get there is by talking it through with an objective person on YOUR terms, not on the terms of trying to "fix" things between you and Mo.
ReplyDelete(((HUGS))) I wish that there was something I could do to help.
They don't call me a fireball for nothing, you know.
ReplyDeleteI have to say I kind of agree with Nina...he has done nothing to make you feel like you are a priority so why should you keep doing that for him when you dont get the same in return?
ReplyDeleteMaybe counseling would be good but I dont think that you are the issue so why should you have to go to counseling and not him?
I am not going to be one of those that says, "what the heck is she thinking- just leave him already" because I COMPLETELY know how you feel and what a crappy place you are stuck in. you know you deserve more than what he is doing to you but you also know that you WANT him to be in your life and for him to pull his own weight and not make you have to feel like crap for the things he is doing!! I hate that he did that to you! I dont understand why men choose to suck all the time! You should ABSOLUTELY NOT leave that house though- It is in YOUR name! You, if I can conclude correctly, are the one who has made it a home and has worked hard to keep it running. If it were me, and you decided that you truly want him out, Id have all the locks changed while he is at work one day- That way, he is not able to refuse to leave when you ask! I wish I had the answers for you but unfortunately, I dont even have answers for myself. :( I'll keep you in my prayers. I hope that you follow your heart with whatever decision you make. Just know- you deserve more than what you are being served right now/ ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteHugs a million.
ReplyDeleteCheck that email you don't check very often, 'k?
Oh, man. What a mess. I really, really feel for you.
ReplyDeleteI don't really have any assvice to offer, except for a phrase that my mom ingrained in me when I was young, and has served me well in all of my relationships -- "fear of loss is the strongest motivator." The only times I've been able to accomplish any change in a relationship is when I've been willing to walk away. I don't know if it's the right answer for you, but it's been a powerful lesson for me.
Thinking of and praying for you.
Oh honey...I am so, so sorry it has reached this point. A big part of me says torch his stuff but I get the sense that you will be more at peace if you talk to someone first. All I can say is do what feels right because I can tell you've given it your all.
ReplyDeleteSweetie, I will never say, "why don't you just leave him?" It's just so much more complicated than that.
ReplyDeleteIt may be that writing a letter to Mo would help you to better express your feelings than talking about it.
Or do the standard marital therapy of changing language, so that you say, "Mo, when you X, I feel Y." Like, "When you stay out late with your friends several times a week, I feel lonely and abandoned." You can also add that it's not about him having to give up his friends or going out, just that you'd like to have some of his time too.
I just wish there was something that I could do or say to make it better. Here for you whatever you decide to do.