While it makes for boring posting, things in the MoJo household continue to run smoothly. Quite clearly, Mo's depression is receding (for now). I asked him last night if he would consider taking something for it. He said "Maybe." He then tried to give me a little insight into it -- but was only willing to divulge so much. The thing is, I know what he's been through. He's had a hard life. I don't need the details -- I know what has happened, and that's enough. It doesn't excuse his behavior, but it does help explain it.
I also told him last night how I was scared that his depression would come back. Looking back over the past seven years, I can see the cyclical aspects of it. I'm even coming to believe, in my layman's lack of professional insight, that he may even be a bit manic-depressive.
The question I have now, then, is how do I help my husband -- while saving myself at the same time?
Sunday, November 22, 2009
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First, thanks for the comment.
ReplyDeleteSecond, E has had bouts of depression. I really try to get him off the couch and go for a walk/run. I got his grandma to buy him a bike so we also go bike riding. It is a completely self-serving purpose (if you know our back story). E went back into curling which really helps with his depression. I think he enjoys curling in the same way that I do skating- his mind can be on that instead of our iF (which in the case of MFI- he really takes it hard).
Stopping by for an ICLW visit...
No. 2: the unfair struggle (mfi, speedskating, nanowrimo)
Well, in my professional opinion, you can't help your husband. You can only help yourself and present him with the consequences of his behavior. He has to want to change and be better. I know you've heard this before. It is the truth, however. I know how badly you want this to work, and I can see you (not so much now as before) overlooking things to make them fit into your plan for perfection. Just watch yourself that you don't slide into your old patterns, k? Love ya, sweets.
ReplyDeleteMy older sister is bipolar. A therapist I saw for a while likened bipolar disorder to alcoholism, in that it is so easy to enable the person with the illness, etc. My sister has functioned better with clear boundaries from our family...not perfectly, but better.
ReplyDeleteSo basically, what Nina said.
*hugs*
I'm glad that things are going well right now, and that you are trying to enjoy the good times even though you are worried about when the depression part of the cycle will come round again.
ReplyDeleteNo advice, just know that I'm here.
Just peeking on over in the spirit of ICLW. Thanks for your comment today. :)
ReplyDeleteI've only read through some of your most recent posts, so I'm not sure if you've already gone this route...but I'm wondering if you've considered possibly attending a support group for family members of individuals with depression/bipolar disorder. It could be a great vehicle of support for you, an open forum to share some of your own frustrations/stress/etc. Just a thought. It's so important that you take care of yourself, too--it's hard to be there for others when you're not in your best form, you know? Sending my best to you...
Thank you so much for the incredibly thoughtful comment on my blog. And not one bit of it was assvice!
ReplyDeleteI didn't initially have any advice for you, but I think I agree with Trinity. Support groups are really underrated/underutilized.
Best wishes with your upcoming cycle. I look forward to following your journey.
Depression is such a tough, tough issue. I don't have any advice for you; just know that you are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteWishing you the best with this cycle!
ICLW
I totally agree with the boundaries comment above. You've started to do that and I think you have to continue. And I think you have to help yourself first in order to help Mo--because it doesn't do you both any good if you're both at the bottom.
ReplyDeleteAnd New Moon was awesome...mostly because of my jailbait crush! SO TEAM J all the way!
My hubby suffers from depression and it runs in his family. He's been on anti.depressants since HS. And I've had my bouts of depression too. I would recommend maybe your DH seeks professional help by seeing a therapist. Meds are good, but sometimes, it does wonders to talk through everything that is in your head.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I have no advice on the depression, but I hope you get the answers and support you need.
ReplyDeleteSending positive thoughts and prayers your way. I'm glad that things seem to be lightening up for you, and I hope that it continues. I also hope that Mo decides that he wants help.
ReplyDeleteICLW
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ReplyDeleteLisa said...
ReplyDeleteWhen you're married to someone with depression, and you love them, you do become an enabler. You find yourself justifying his behaviour to yourself and others, making excuses when there is no way to justify it. From the several posts I've read here, it appears that Mo at least recognizes that he has a problem. That's a huge step forward. The next step is finding help. From what you have said, it sounds like he needs a psychologist and you need a support group. It's better if he takes the steps to find his own doctor, has a consultation to make sure there is a good fit and agrees to make a second appoinment.
Sometimes you need to take matters into your own hands. You know this already because you asked the question "How do I save myself?" So, you are already aware that you can't be everything to him: wife, friend, lover, confidante, counsellor, etc... It will eat you alive. You will also become his crutch, making it easier for him to never explore those Issues with another person. Suggestions: Ask around for recommendations for a good psychologist. Get several, if you can, and then phone them up for the briefest information. 1. Do they have space for a new client? 2. What school of psychology do they follow (I liked person-centered counselling, but there are many.) 3. How much do they charge? and any other general questions. 4. Ask if they do initial, brief consultations over the telephone. Make a list. Sit down with your husband. Go through it together. Ask him to make the first phone call, with or without you present.
I know that you desperately want a child. It probably seems like the most important thing in your life now and has been for so many years because of your long-standing infertility. You are very open and straightforward about your marital problems, and you even discuss wondering what would happen to your embryos should the two of you divorce. I can't, and don't want to, judge you or your husband. Only you can know how functional he is and how strong your relationship is. But, having a baby, even if it is a mutual dream come true, doesn't fix relationships; it actually makes it harder. In a bad patch, your emotions will be stretched as far as they can go, between your child and your husband. Men often feel they are bumped down a level in your priorities when the baby comes along. My own experience is that the baby will always come first. Could he handle it?
I wanted to make a few positive comments before going: You write so well, about things that are so complicated, and without self-pity. You are incredibly fortunate to have a mother who knows that she doesn't need to solve your problems for you. She is wise to offer you her love, support and acceptance rather than judgment, opinion and an easy way out.
Lisa (ICLW #195 Your Great Life)