For Every Action. . . .

We had our first post-IVF fight last night, and boy, was it a doozy! In a nutshell: Mo went to eat dinner with some coworkers/friends after work (after bringing me a yummy eggplant Parmesan that one of his fellow teachers had made for me). This is a perfectly acceptable activity, and he came home at a perfectly reasonable hour. I, having spent the entire day BY MYSELF and IN BED and DOING NOTHING for the FOURTH FUCKING DAY IN A ROW, however, decided to throw an itsty-bitsy, teensy-tiny temper tantrum. (Don't be shocked. I said I wasn't perfect).

And Mo, being Mo, overreacted.

Ugly things were said.

Tears were shed.

In the end, nothing was really resolved, other than I think we both spewed forth some of the negative thoughts we have swirling in our heads about the IVF, our marriage, and whether or not things are really improving.

I came to an interesting realization, though.

Hold onto your hats, because this one is earth-shattering: Mo and I look at things differently.

I mean, WAY differently.

Sometimes, I wonder how in the world anyone's brain can be as fucked up as his.

And then I remember where he comes from.

And it makes sense, sort of. He's never had a role model for how to effectively deal with any sort of negative emotions. His father stuffed everything inside and ignored it. His mother, the drama queen, blew everything up out of proportion. And Mo learned how to run away.

He did say something interesting in our argument last night, something he's said before. For some reason, though, it finally clicked. He asked me what I expected from him. All actions have a reaction, he said.

Now, before you simply assume this is just a typical avoidance of responsibility (which it IS), think about it. It really DOES explain Mo's actions and mindset with a lot of things. Things don't happen because of him, they happen TO him, and he simply reacts as best as he can. In his mind, anyway.

I, however, am the opposite. I am a planner, a fixer, someone who makes things happen. Yes, I react to some of the shit that happens TO me, but I don't see my life (outside of IF, that is) as anything other than what I've made of it. I am where I am because of what I have done, not because of what was done to me. For Mo, it's the opposite.

Like I said, earth-shattering, right? Ok, maybe not, but I do feel lately as though I am beginning to understand my husband a little bit better. Perhaps because we are not currently in the middle of dealing with any of his Issues, or perhaps because the holidays allow for a lot of familial reflection, but I feel as though I am seeing him more clearly. Instead of being caught up in the "why the fuck is this happening" angst of months past, I finally feel that I'm removed enough from all that happened to gain a little perspective.

And what I'm realizing is that the lines I've been spouting here for months really ARE true: Mo is a good man, who sometimes makes bad choices. He and I still want the same things -- Mo just has no idea how to get them. He has been wallowing in all the Bad Shit that has happened the last few years, and in the process almost checked out completely. But, somehow, he fought his way out and came back to me. He re-joined the living, albeit in a world vastly different from the one he always dreamed of. He found a way to move forward, one step at a time, instead of becoming locked inside what might have been.

Hmm. Maybe we're not so different after all.