Its such an intangible, fragile thing: hope. One moment it's crystal-clear, so sharp you're afraid to touch it for fear you'll cut yourself on its glittering edges. The next, it fades gently into a mist that is impossible to grasp.
Each report from the RE strengthened my hope that THIS will be the thing that works. THIS treatment, THIS time. We've waited so long, been hoping and trying and begging God for so many years. THIS will work, because it has to.
Perhaps, in my hope, I set up unrealistic expectations. 9 out of 10 eggs fertilized -- on Day 3, all 9 were where they should be, give or take a few that were moving along a little quickly. I thought it wouldn't be unreasonable that we'd end up with 4 or 5 blasts on Day 5 to freeze.
We've got one.
Just one.
What intangibles made my perfect Day 3 embryos stop dividing? What chromosomal abnormalities, what genetic things that we were unable to see prevented my babies from continuing to develop?
And even more scary: how do I know that the ones inside of me are doing any better?
The hope -- the hot, pressing, happiness that flooded my chest on Sunday has been replaced by a feeling much, much more familiar. A feeling of hollow emptiness, of desperation, of knotted fear.
My hope, along with my embryos, has ceased dividing -- and now, what remains, is frozen in time, waiting for the moment when I can once again allow my heart to thaw, to allow plans and possibilities to take root once again.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
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Your one embie can keep ours company!! Our numbers were almost exactly the same, and it was disappointing. Try to remember that they won't freeze them unless they think they'll survive a thaw -- the "standards" are higher, as heartbreaking a concept as that is.
ReplyDeleteHang in there -- you'll go through a hundred ups and downs over this next week or so. Take care of yourself. Thinking of you.
I'm with Barefoot. That one is a perfect little guy (or girl) that is a survivor. And remember, it only takes one.
ReplyDeleteHugs, and thinking of you.
Really hoping this one is the perfect one. Fingers crossed...
ReplyDeleteTry to look at it this way: If they transferred your two best, and you still had one left surviving (which wasn't one of your best two), then your two inside should be doing as well as that little frozen one! Freeze standards are really high too- since it's common for some cells to not survive the thaw, they usually only freeze embryos that look like champions.
ReplyDeleteI completely get your fear though. COMPLETELY. I've had these exact thoughts post transfer after my first two IVFs. This time we had great freeze success, and I just found out that I'm pregnant with a beautiful baby!! But in a small and ridiculous way that idea that not both of my rockstar embies we transferred made it disheartens me about our frozen embryos and the success of future FETs. I try to kick that thought as soon as it comes and focus on the one I have growing inside.
I hope you can find the courage to make it through the rest of this 2ww. It's so hard, but it will be 'over' soon. The results will be in and I desperately hope with you that they set all your worries aside!!! :)
Oh, Jo. Thinknig of you. The ups and downs are so scary. Hold onto what hope you can. It does only take one. That's all you need - one.
ReplyDeleteOoohh, good luck, sweetie! Thank you so much for all your support! I don't know very much about IVF, other than it seems to require lots of prayer from both the participants and their sundry acquaintances. I'll help with the prayer, k?
ReplyDeleteI'll hold on tight to your hope for you! Keeping my fingers crossed.
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